Marched into March

Hello,

Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.

However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.

In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.

Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.

Over & out.

July

I lie…

No, I don’t lie, July is here. Hot and humid. Rainy and wet. Lovely Swedish summer. At last. At least.

Not much to report. My endless search for a job continues. My search for a new home also continues. No results yet. No ideas.

So, no reason to dwell on those things. Time will tell.

I find it no easier to live but I get by with  a little help from my friends.

I see what you did there.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I do!

No. You. Don’t.

Fine, be like that. No wonder no one likes you! 

I’m not being like anything. And there are people who like me.

Oh yeah? Name one. 

No, I won’t. And you ought to shut up!

Make me! I dare you! 

Ok, have it your way.

You know that’s a slogan that…. [Silence]

I told you.

 

Midsummer

Midsummer eve, a day of celebration only second to Christmas in Sweden. I’m not going to explain it. If you need to know more, search the internet.

The Boss – Bruce Springsteen – is in Gothenburg with his band for shows. Kind of a midsummer tradition in a way. And the weather is kind of great even if it rained during the night and this morning.

I’m celebrating kind of low-key this year. Not that I mind. I’m used to being by myself. Not good in large groups, takes too much energy away from me to try to handle all the information when I can’t sort it out.

The news this morning of the British having voted to leave the European Union was a shock to me. And I believe a much greater shock for the 48,1% of the British people who voted to stay in the EU.

It took away much of my wish to celebrate Midsummer but I wouldn’t have been celebrating much anyway.

Talked to my brothers on the phone and then my aunt. All seemed to be fine and having a good day. Was good to know.

I struggle with getting things done that I know I have to do but don’t have any motivation for doing. After so many years it gets harder to find any ways to freshen it up and keep me motivated. Of course I know I’ll get it done anyway but it feels so much of a burden lately. No way out of it though.

Still, my life is kind of getting better lately. Not any major change but small steps adding up. No luck in finding a job, no luck in finding a suitable place to live and no luck in finding that love that keeps eluding me. Might be because I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places or perhaps I don’t know how to look for any of it. No idea.

But I enjoy life the way I know how. Have started watching Orange Is The New Black again and still find it fun and interesting to see where all the characters will end up.

Same goes for Game of Thrones. Those are the only shows I watch now. Sometimes I watch some movies but not as much as earlier this year. I find that there aren’t a lot of really good movies around anymore. Or perhaps I’ve grown out of the genre movies. I keep returning to the “old” movies I already know because they are still good.

My internet friends also keep me smiling. Without them, I’d be lost.

Better to not say too much

Sometimes, it serves one better to not say too much.

I learned that lesson again today. The news reached me that things I had counted on would not happen in the time I had been sure of before. I had to regret previous statements and feel pretty bad about it all.

On the other hand, this news was also good, because it confirmed that eventually what I have planned will actually happen. This made me stop worrying about the whole thing. Now I will only feel bad about it not happening the way I had hoped and planned.

Another thing: the weather. Been like the very height of Summer this week: warm and sunny. Almost like July and it’s only early June. There’s cold weather and rain on the way, so tomorrow (Friday) will be the last of the really great weather for a few days at least.

As much as I like the sun and warmth, it has been hard to sleep and not easy to get much work done without feeling exhausted. Still, there are not many days like these in a year so I should not complain too much. Soon the winter darkness and cold will return. Then I will miss these warm bright days.

On the other fronts, not much to report. Still looking for work, still having no luck. Still waiting for various authorities to make decisions and get things started. Still learning to live with knowing I have a disorder. At least I’m now getting some help to sort that out.

Life is starting to get back to some kind of order.

The end is near

Goodbye to 2015.

What a year, If I had known this time last year what 2015 would be like, I would have stopped time one minute before midnight and let 2014 repeat itself.

My 2015 started with serious suicide thoughts and a depression that needed medical attention. After that long struggle through the Winter, Spring and Summer I had my 48th birthday in September and started to have some hope of a better end to the year.

As soon as I started to think that things could start to be better, however, the next blow came around.

In October my dear mother suffered a major brain hemorrhage she couldn’t recover from and passed away after spending a week at the hospital.

Suddenly my whole life turned upside down and inside out. I’m still trying to get myself back to working order.  I know it happened, but at times it all still feels unreal. Like a long dream I’m waiting to wake up from.

I spent Christmas with one of my cousins and her family and other relatives. Not being alone on Christmas eve was nice. But it didn’t really feel like Christmas. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as it was before.

On the employment front there is not much to tell. I’m still looking for work.

The examination to determine my possible neuropsychiatric disorder will start soon and when that is all over and done, I hope I will be able to get some more help and support in order to find some work and to sort out my life.

I still hope 2016 will be a better year and the start of a happier life for me.

Happy New Year, readers! May 2016 be a wonderful year for all of us!

Late August

Hi there,

Last Saturday of August 2015.

I know I have neglected this blog most of this year and I can’t promise that it will change anytime soon.

However, I saw the need for some kind of update so I started to write this.

Life feels like it has never really started. Last night while trying to sleep I thought of how many times I wished things were different over the years.

I also thought of all the energy, time and money I have invested in the wrong efforts, while trying to find things I wanted or needed in all the wrongs places.

Then trying to accept that it all came to nothing at all and also deal with regrets and feelings of stupidity.

Anyway, my depression has slightly faded. I feel somewhat better now, even if some days are rather blah.  My sleep is better, and the anxiety is almost all gone.

My life hasn’t changed though and I haven’t started to try to change anything.

I wait for the tests to start that will help to determine my diagnosis. Clearly I know I have a disorder but I need it to be confirmed so that I can request the support I need to make it less of a problem. Maybe then I can start to change my life around for the better. Or at least try.

Right now, while waiting, I don’t see any point to try to change much.

On the job front there is nothing new. Nothing happens. I don’t expect anything will happen.

In a few months time I have been unemployed for nine years, more or less.

I spend my time trying to feel as good as possible while working my way out of the depression.

I don’t think of suicide anymore. I know that is not the way out but back in January it seemed like a tempting alternative to the darkness I found myself in.

Lately I have started to be able to enjoy music and movies again. But I still get tired rather fast when trying to watch a whole movie.

Being outside a lot, enjoying the Summer, has also helped me to get better during the last few months.

Visits by family and relatives has been fun but at times too much for my brain to deal with.

Maybe May may be

Howdy….

No I’m still alive. Sorry.

Working my way through a depression and some other things that are going to be checked out eventually.

Still on medication but not feeling much of anything from it anymore. The first months were terrible though.

Sweating, headaches, dryness of the mouth, tiredness and total impotence. Those side effects on top of the depression almost made me doubt if medication was the way to go. Then one day the side effects were almost all gone like they had never been there at all.

Suddenly I couldn’t feel any effect at all from the medication, except a strange calm. No more of the anxiety or stress. Well almost none. Still have some trouble sleeping, sometimes have very strange nightmares and also some mild anxiety attacks from time to time.

And the situation behind my depression still remains. Still I’m unemployed and still I feel worthless, useless and without much hope for a better tomorrow.

I’m going to be checked out for a possible autism spectrum disorder but I fear the waiting will be long before that process begins.

My lack of updates of this blog is due to me being tired and in need of rest a lot of the time since starting treatment. Only the last few weeks have I been feeling less exhausted.

Snow of December

Hey there people….

So this is December and what have I learned? Another year over and a new one waiting  in the wings ready to begin.

Lots of changes this year. Well, perhaps only a few but still changes.

Changed place of “work” twice. Not for the better but still I hang on because there is nothing else I can do.  I’m learning some Photoshop for the time being. Not the most fun I’ve ever had, I’d rather be working on my own projects or at least be writing like I did at the beginning of this year.

Been unemployed now for six whole years since my last employment. Counting all the time of unemployment I’m at a total of seven and a half years and still running. No change in sight but I still keep my hope against hope, I will get lucky one of these days.

I can hear some people say, Hey dude you’re doing something wrong! It can’t be that hard to find a paying job, not even for a loser like you! 

You might be right. Then again, I can’t tell because all I know is that I have been trying for all these years and the results are what they are, regardless of how I or you feel about it or what we might think is the reason behind it all. Looking back is useless. I’m going to go on. I can point my finger at myself and say I’m to blame but does it really help in the long run? I’m still stuck where I am and I’m the one who has to get me unstuck. Do I do that by constantly blaming myself for not getting unstuck fast enough or by actually using my energy to continue to try getting unstuck? You be the judge, I know what I think.

Enough is enough.

I still live like a loner. No change there. Nobody fell in love with me this year too. I didn’t fall in love with anyone. Not that there has been a great number of possible lovers around. I have to get out of my comfort zone for anything to change in that department. I’ve known that a long time but I still do nothing about it. Maybe I’ve given up. Or perhaps I just think it takes too much time and energy away from this job hunting thing.

Anyway I’ve had plenty of dates with Miss Righty, she’s always available for a bit of fun. Luckily she has never refused my invitation after all these years.

Pathetic. Still the truth. Laugh it up. It’s on me.

Sons of Anarchy ended the only way it could. Inspired by Shakespeare tragedy as it was. A very entertaining piece of television drama. Even if all of the seven seasons weren’t really all great the final ride was one hell of a ride from start to finish.

The fifth season of The Walking Dead has been a bit of hit and miss even of it is still better than most of season four so far. Will return with a final verdict once the whole season is finished.

Game of Thrones still keeps me wanting more even if I have trouble with the author’s habit of killing off all the interesting characters every now and then, with a few exceptions of course.

Out of all the cooking shows starring the great Gordon Ramsay, I still like MasterChef USA the most. Even though Hell’s Kitchen is a strong contender for the number one spot.

I have made an effort to start watching other shows during the year but not really been hooked by any as much the ones I mention above.

Many movies have passed by my eyes also. Thanks to Netflix and HBO Nordic.  Too many to mention any titles.

Then, last but not least,  the music. Spotify keeps me listening to all my favorites old and new. I still have my one big playlist that I keep editing as the tracks come and go. I add and subtract and still it stays like a portrait of my soul. The soundtrack of my life.

Oh yeah, it snowed today.

Last day of November

Yo, I’m still standing.

However, while typing this I’m sitting down. I find it easier, as I’ve become somewhat heavy through the years. Yes, I know there are ways to change that fact but I have decided against those ways so far. If  – and when – I ever change my mind, maybe you, my dear readers, will be the first to find out. Well, I will be the first, but you will all be second. Ain’t that good to know?

I’m listening to Don Henley songs while typing this. Why I type this now is because today is the last day of November and I didn’t want the whole month go by without updating this blog.

Life goes by and I follow along like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream. Yet still waiting for life to start before it ends. Somehow hope against hope.

I had a nice afternoon/evening at my cousin’s birthday party.  She turned 50 and had managed to make room for 35 people in her apartment’s livingroom. All seated for dinner and able to move around. Not bad

When I turn 50, I doubt there’ll be even 10 people coming. That’s my own fault for not being able to maintain any friendships or form any relationships.  If you want to know more about this sad subject just read this blog. I don’t wish to tell the story again and again.  I’m a loner.  When I was younger it didn’t bother me. Now it makes me lay awake at night wondering where I went wrong and why I can’t get it right.

The older I get the less I like being alone/lonely. I fear having to live my last years without anyone to talk to, without anyone around at all.

Maybe I ought to go out more. I never liked that idea but I understand I have to push out of my comfort zone if I want to really make a change.

On the other hand, I’m too poor to be able to go out a lot. And I have no idea where to go. I like it best at home, always have.  Even in the days when I did go out, I didn’t often talk to anyone, which often made the whole thing rather pointless.

Anyway. I don’t much enjoy the place I’m at now. To learn how to use photo editing software is interesting but deep down I’m fed up with having to get up early every morning to go to a place I have to be at just because. Not because I want to. I don’t want to do things just to have things to do, I want a real job that I actually like  and want to do. It seems impossible to find one though. I keep trying. Time runs away. Life runs away.

Ok, I’m getting into the same old story again so let me finish.

Days are short and most of the time its dark this time of year. It doesn’t help my mood.  I just want to get through the days.

I go to the place, I go home, I eat dinner, I surf the internet, or watch TV or a movie or fall asleep on my old couch. Then sleep, then wake up and repeat all again. Weekends I sleep most of the time. Always tired.  Never enough time for things I really like to do.  Not enough energy. And of course I look for work.

Too depressed to go on.

And now: the news

Hi,

Dark outside. Raining. After midnight, so Sunday has begun.

In the archipelago outside Stockholm the Swedish Navy is chasing what they claim to be a foreign submarine of some sort.

The tabloids and news headlines are talking about a new cold war situation. I prefer to stay calm until I see more proof with regards to this ongoing incident.

I’m old enough to remember how it was during the ending decades of the Cold War. The Navy used to chase suspected foreign subs then too, but they never found any and could not present much proof of anything. Don’t get me wrong: I take this new situation seriously and I trust the Swedish Navy to know what they’re doing but I don’t like the big headlines and the feeling of hysteria in the media.

The media is painting a picture of a new “Cold War” when no one knows for sure what results the current chase will end up with or even if it will give us any conclusive proof of this still only suspected foreign military submarine activity inside the archipelago.

On a more personal note, I have started “work” at the new office. I’m learning how to use some photo editing software in order to be able to work with making digital copies of old photos, maps and other documents from various institutions, museums and such.

I like the new place.

This past week I have had a cold. It started already on last Sunday but I managed to be at the office for three days before I had to call in sick. Headache, light fever, runny nose,sneezing and a cough was too much for me. Not until Saturday have I started to feel mostly ok again even if some of the cough remains and my nose is congested.

On job hunting front much remains the same. Nothing much happens. However, this Wednesday I had a job interview over the phone with one employer. I didn’t get the job but at least they wanted to talk to me. A good sign. The first interview I’ve had in a really long time. It made me feel a bit more motivated.

On the more personal front. I still enjoy seeing friends and taking part in the social media networks. That’s about all there is to say.