Last day of November

Published 11/30/2014 by MoonieZ

Yo, I’m still standing.

However, while typing this I’m sitting down. I find it easier, as I’ve become somewhat heavy through the years. Yes, I know there are ways to change that fact but I have decided against those ways so far. If  – and when – I ever change my mind, maybe you, my dear readers, will be the first to find out. Well, I will be the first, but you will all be second. Ain’t that good to know?

I’m listening to Don Henley songs while typing this. Why I type this now is because today is the last day of November and I didn’t want the whole month go by without updating this blog.

Life goes by and I follow along like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream. Yet still waiting for life to start before it ends. Somehow hope against hope.

I had a nice afternoon/evening at my cousin’s birthday party.  She turned 50 and had managed to make room for 35 people in her apartment’s livingroom. All seated for dinner and able to move around. Not bad

When I turn 50, I doubt there’ll be even 10 people coming. That’s my own fault for not being able to maintain any friendships or form any relationships.  If you want to know more about this sad subject just read this blog. I don’t wish to tell the story again and again.  I’m a loner.  When I was younger it didn’t bother me. Now it makes me lay awake at night wondering where I went wrong and why I can’t get it right.

The older I get the less I like being alone/lonely. I fear having to live my last years without anyone to talk to, without anyone around at all.

Maybe I ought to go out more. I never liked that idea but I understand I have to push out of my comfort zone if I want to really make a change.

On the other hand, I’m too poor to be able to go out a lot. And I have no idea where to go. I like it best at home, always have.  Even in the days when I did go out, I didn’t often talk to anyone, which often made the whole thing rather pointless.

Anyway. I don’t much enjoy the place I’m at now. To learn how to use photo editing software is interesting but deep down I’m fed up with having to get up early every morning to go to a place I have to be at just because. Not because I want to. I don’t want to do things just to have things to do, I want a real job that I actually like  and want to do. It seems impossible to find one though. I keep trying. Time runs away. Life runs away.

Ok, I’m getting into the same old story again so let me finish.

Days are short and most of the time its dark this time of year. It doesn’t help my mood.  I just want to get through the days.

I go to the place, I go home, I eat dinner, I surf the internet, or watch TV or a movie or fall asleep on my old couch. Then sleep, then wake up and repeat all again. Weekends I sleep most of the time. Always tired.  Never enough time for things I really like to do.  Not enough energy. And of course I look for work.

Too depressed to go on.


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