Last Saturday of August 2015.
I know I have neglected this blog most of this year and I can’t promise that it will change anytime soon.
However, I saw the need for some kind of update so I started to write this.
Life feels like it has never really started. Last night while trying to sleep I thought of how many times I wished things were different over the years.
I also thought of all the energy, time and money I have invested in the wrong efforts, while trying to find things I wanted or needed in all the wrongs places.
Then trying to accept that it all came to nothing at all and also deal with regrets and feelings of stupidity.
Anyway, my depression has slightly faded. I feel somewhat better now, even if some days are rather blah. My sleep is better, and the anxiety is almost all gone.
My life hasn’t changed though and I haven’t started to try to change anything.
I wait for the tests to start that will help to determine my diagnosis. Clearly I know I have a disorder but I need it to be confirmed so that I can request the support I need to make it less of a problem. Maybe then I can start to change my life around for the better. Or at least try.
Right now, while waiting, I don’t see any point to try to change much.
On the job front there is nothing new. Nothing happens. I don’t expect anything will happen.
In a few months time I have been unemployed for nine years, more or less.
I spend my time trying to feel as good as possible while working my way out of the depression.
I don’t think of suicide anymore. I know that is not the way out but back in January it seemed like a tempting alternative to the darkness I found myself in.
Lately I have started to be able to enjoy music and movies again. But I still get tired rather fast when trying to watch a whole movie.
Being outside a lot, enjoying the Summer, has also helped me to get better during the last few months.
Visits by family and relatives has been fun but at times too much for my brain to deal with.