Sum up Summer

My summer 2016:

First half: great.

Second half: not so great.

Done.

Elaborate? Nah.

Better to not say too much

Sometimes, it serves one better to not say too much.

I learned that lesson again today. The news reached me that things I had counted on would not happen in the time I had been sure of before. I had to regret previous statements and feel pretty bad about it all.

On the other hand, this news was also good, because it confirmed that eventually what I have planned will actually happen. This made me stop worrying about the whole thing. Now I will only feel bad about it not happening the way I had hoped and planned.

Another thing: the weather. Been like the very height of Summer this week: warm and sunny. Almost like July and it’s only early June. There’s cold weather and rain on the way, so tomorrow (Friday) will be the last of the really great weather for a few days at least.

As much as I like the sun and warmth, it has been hard to sleep and not easy to get much work done without feeling exhausted. Still, there are not many days like these in a year so I should not complain too much. Soon the winter darkness and cold will return. Then I will miss these warm bright days.

On the other fronts, not much to report. Still looking for work, still having no luck. Still waiting for various authorities to make decisions and get things started. Still learning to live with knowing I have a disorder. At least I’m now getting some help to sort that out.

Life is starting to get back to some kind of order.

Changes

Yes. Change is all around. Summer has given way to Autumn and Winter is around the corner, ready to arrive.

A few weeks ago, I suddenly had to stop going to the place of “work” I have been at, also known as the office. The Employment Agency had decided to close the whole business there due to reasons only they know. It all happened from one day to the next.

So, I had to make a choice of a new place of “work” from a list of providers of such services.  After a few days of thinking I found one place but they had no room for any more people so that was not an option. Then I found another place and decided to go there to check it out and then sign up for it.

But the Employment Agency wanted me to meet with people at another place, to see if that would be suitable for me.  I didn’t really like it because it was too far to travel there and back every day but I went to the meeting anyway.

Early this week I finally signed the paperwork to start at the place I wanted. Then the person in charge at  the Employment Agency seemed to be in no hurry to approve of  my choice which resulted in a lot of stress and confusion.

When I called to get some information, I was told I could “most likely” start at the new place on Monday, but I still have no paperwork to confirm this and the people at that place of “work” has not confirmed it. Still, I will go there on Monday morning and see how it all turns out.

The project I was working on at the old place, is now in the wind. Nobody will miss it, as it seems nobody really cared what came out of it.

At the new place I will not be working on my own choice of project, I will only be doing work assigned to me.  I suspect I will not like it as much as the things I used to do, but I might learn some new skills about how to make digital copies of photographs, maps and other old documents.

Whatever happens next, I still have only limited control of my own situation. Most of the power to control my life are in the hands of others. I follow the orders I get.

However, the newly elected government has promised to change the way the whole Employment Agency works, including the kind of service it provides to the unemployed. I have some hope things might get better once that happens.

Not much else to hope for. My job hunting still results in nothing.

August is back

So, readers, I just spent 30 minutes typing something for this blog that will never be published here for you all to read. At the last minute, I had second thoughts. The thing was about a personal matter but I started to worry it might offend some readers so I decided it wasn’t important enough to publish. Instead you get this harmless text.

Sorry. I’m a coward sometimes.

This summer has been a mixed bag. First half of June was pretty bad, weather wasn’t that good but the end of June and most of July has been great. Very warm weather the last few weeks. Very little rain. I have enjoyed some extra days “off” for the first time in years and I have really felt myself recharged for every day “off” I’ve had.  Time to think, to sleep and to get away from some of the stress of being unemployed. Really been good for me. I needed it more than I knew.

Now I’m at the end of it. Next week I’m back at doing five days a week at the office and all is back to the normal grind. At least I have some new energy to find ways to move ahead. Not so long ago I had none of that. I guess all I needed was time away from the daily monotony.

I have been talking to some friends and that also helps my mood.

So the short story is: I feel good or at least a lot better than before.

Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers – American Dream Plan B 

July 2014

Hey!

So the Summer refuses to warm up. Instead it offers chills, clouds and rain. I guess you can’t always get what you want.

Same goes for my life. It offers very little to be happy about but at least it isn’t all depressing. My present “work” is, though.

Since I had to leave the nice place I had been at for three years and start a new place, I haven’t been very happy about much. There is no real structure to that new place. Everyone is doing their own thing every day and its hard to find the drive to keep on going without any clear framework to hold everything in place. I have an official project to work on but no deadline and in fact it is already more or less a finished project,  but I still have to kind of pretend to be working on it. Most of my time I divide between job hunting and reading about the job market or topics related to things I’m interested in – like politics, food. cooking, television, history,  books, movies and music.

I miss what I used to do and where I used to be,  so much.

In a way everything about these government projects for the unemployed are on hold awaiting the outcome of the  general election in September. There might be a change of policy if the current parties in power are replaced by some of the opposing parties.

Outside of this “work” I find myself having little energy to do much of anything. I used to be able to do things around the house but not so much now. Still, I know have to do some things but they leave me exhausted more than ever before. I also had a certain momentum this past Winter to exercise more but after I changed places of “work”, I have lost that drive too. Probably I suffer from depression without really wanting to admit it. Maybe I ought to get some treatment for it even. Just that it scares me to even talk about mental problems. I’m afraid of the whole concept and also about how some people around me will react to it. They already think I’m lazy because I take longer to do things I used to do fast and easy and that I seem to lack interest and motivation to do much of anything.  Nobody seems to think I might actually be depressed or that it could be a reason behind my lack of energy.

Enough of the negative things.

Positive? What would those be these days? Some time to sleep. Some time to enjoy some television. movies and music. Time to be outdoors and relax. Good food. A few friends to talk to from time to time. That’s it.

This blog is now more than 9 years old. I know I have been mostly quiet lately and I doubt I will be more active unless something unexpected happens – like a new real job – or that I suddenly fall madly in love with the right person and find the feelings to be mutual.

 

One more for August

Summer has been amazing.

Relax, I’m talking about the weather.  June was ok, July awesome and August has been amazing.  Not at all like last summer when it rained every other day and some day in June was colder than Christmas or perhaps New Year’s Eve.

This year, after a really long snowy and mostly cold winter followed by a short spring, summer grew to become really wonderful. Just what this nation needed. Maybe all the sun and warm weather is the reason I haven’t been writing much on here. Maybe also the fact I haven’t had much to write about, but let’s stay on the positive side of things this time.

This week my brother the chef/drummer is coming to visit me. Been a year since last time so it’ll be nice to catch up on things.

A part from that, there’s not much going on. I’m still trying to find some work and I’m still spending my days at an office where I work on project that might help me find a real job.

Next month, I’ll be a year older again.  Later in September, my oldest nephew turns 40 years old. Soon he’ll catch up with me. Anyway I’m really proud of him because he’s running his own business directing and producing music videos and other projects while also taking care of his baby daughter.  From very early on he seems to have known what he wanted to do and then he simply followed his dream.

I wish I had some more of that kind of determination. However, I’ve never been able to really decide what I really want to do. I’m too easily distracted if I find something interesting while I’m already doing something else.

New week

Hello, I’m back.

Yesterday was a cloudy Monday. I didn’t do much good with it. Rather average day.

Today is Tuesday and I expect to have a better day. The weather is warm and sunny and I feel sweaty without even moving from my seat.

Looking out at the local lake and see people swimming. Wish I could go swimming too.

Feels kind of empty at home after my niece and nephew have gone back south, but it was fun to have them visiting for a few days.

On Saturday night we played The Game of Life board game. It was the first time in decades I played that game but it was a lot of fun.

Yesterday evening I watched a few movies: one Russian  and one Chinese war movie. They were both set during the Second World War and also shared other similarities in terms of how they portrayed the main characters and how the plot was played out. A lot of heroism, patriotism and sentimentality. Never rising above the standards of the genre.

Shoes

Never been much of a shoe person. If I could go without shoes everyday of my life, I’d be very happy. I can’t, though. Not in the climate where I live. Also it isn’t socially accepted to walk without shoes on in most situations in our culture. So, I wear shoes because I must. In order to be accepted and in order to protect my feet from the hazards of the environment.

Now, I also have very sensitive skin so that wearing a new shoe is always bringing blisters, sores and other skin problems. Finding a new pair of shoes that feel good from the start, have always been nearly impossible. Only after wearing them for long enough to make them softer and better shaped for my feet, can I walk in them without any discomfort or pain. This means, when a pair of shoes fit and feel really good to wear, I wear that pair for as long as possible. Until the shoes are beyond worn out and should have been discarded.

That also means there can be years and years between the breaking in of new shoes which in turn probably makes it more difficult than it needs to be, if it was done more often.

Even if I don’t like wearing shoes, I still want the shoes I have to wear to look good. At least, they have to look good to me.

My everyday shoes for the last few years are a pair of really worn out L.A. Gear sport shoes. I could post a picture of them, to let you all see what I wear these days. I’m not sure many would approve of someone being seen in public with a pair of shoes like that, but on the other hand no one else has to wear them.

I used to have a few pairs of really nice walking shoes from Ecco before  but they are now beyond working order. So worn out that I can’t use them even though at first glance they still look somewhat decent.

For the winter and snow season I wore mostly the same pair of winter shoes I’ve had for the last decade. They are getting near the end of their life but I hope to be able to wear them for one more winter season before I have to replace them. Also made by Ecco  they have been very useful for both walking, travelling to the office and when shovelling snow.

Last but not least, I also have my Ecco sandals, which I bought in San Diego, California in 1995. They are still in very good condition and have served me well through the summer seasons since 1995. I don’t wear them a lot but, I have made use of them both in the city streets and out in the countryside.

Midsummer 2012

Naked.

I woke from a dream of walking out on the lawn naked and letting the morning sun warm up my body .  Tweeted it, then added that this only works in movies and not in real life. Certainly won’t work for a middle-aged rather over weight Swedish man.

That same moment was when I decided once and for all that posting nude pics in my twitter feed will not get me any more followers. Instead I will most likely lose the ones I have gained so far. Now, had I been a woman instead, it might have been worth a try. Odd, how gender matters in this situation and would make a difference.

Gender issues are often discussed in Sweden. I also notice it being discussed in my twitter feed. When I was in college, gender was an issue in every class, regardless of subject. Gender could never be avoided. It is a dimension to be taken into account at all times. Even when writing a simple analysis of a mainstream movie. Or of a magazine cover. The rather surprising fact that a magazine attracts more buyers when there is an attractive woman on the cover, regardless if the magazine is aimed at men, women or both.

Anyway this is not going to be my two cents about the gender discussions.

Instead I will focus on the fact that today is Midsummer Eve in Sweden. This holiday is very old and very firmly upheld by Swedes in general. It’s a celebration but most of all its a time for drinking and eating. As I’ve already described in a previous post most Swedes prefer to leave the big cities and go to summer houses or camping sites  in the countryside or out in the archipelago to celebrate this holiday with family and friends.

This holiday is the last during the first half of the year and after these two days there is only one major holiday late in the fall  to look forward to before Christmas. Maybe that’s why Midsummer is celebrated so fiercely.

I will not be going anywhere. My oldest brother and his family is at his summer-house and my other brother is probably going to be at home with his family in the city where he lives. I’ll be with my mother and have some traditional food and relax and have a nice weekend.

Last weekend my oldest nephew visited with his daughter and it was a nice day for them and for my mother and for me too.  Especially for my mother who is still recovering from the minor stroke she suffered earlier this year, but which wasnt detected until months after.

Yesterday I took a free test online to find out my “real” age, and the result made me a bit worried. According to the test my real age is 49.6 years, even though my actual age is 44 and will be 45 later this year. I’m aging too fast, which brings me to want to change some of my bad habits.  Of course this test should not be trusted to be accurate but it is still an indication about my overall health status.

This week I spent a lot of time looking for jobs. I also followed the last days of the 10 weeks long trial against the terrorist in Norway who killed 77 people last year in July.  The prosecution pleaded that he be sentenced to mental treatment instead of prison, since he is believed to be mentally ill in some fashion. The defence will plead that he is not mentally ill and that he should go to prison instead. It will be interesting to see what the court will decide.

Summer is here!

The past weekend and all of this current week the weather has been fantastic here. Warm and sunny. Only a few stray clouds. To not be able to go out and enjoy the nice summer days due to being trapped in an office is not the most fun I’ve had but I can’t say I would rather sit outside unless it is in the shade. I have never liked to be in the sun for too long. Always had a problem of being burned by the sun very easily.

What I like about this time of year is not only the sun and warm weather but the fact that the days are long and the nights are short. It only gets really dark for a few hours. Sadly the days will start getting shorter again in just a few weeks.

Anyway, I enjoy the beautiful Swedish summer no matter how short it is.  The summer is the reward for enduring the long dark winter and it’s not a bad reward. Far from it. On the best days there’s no place I’d rather be than right where I am.