Trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life. How I ended up where I am.
I know one thing – if I could go back and change some of my actions, I would. In fact, I wish I could.
But of course I know I can’t. All I can do is live on and learn from the past mistakes so that I will not repeat them again down the line.
I also question some of the choices I’ve made.
For so long I had the dream of becoming a writer. Yet, all I did was to write things that nobody ever saw or got to read. The dream, I carried in my head. Kept to myself while I worked with the “simple” tasks at my job in the grocery stores. For decades.
I did go to the University after having worked for more than ten years and when I did, I had many bold plans, hopes and dreams. Filled with motivation and energy I set out to study and then advance from my low-level job to a better one. At the University I did well – most classes I passed with the highest grades. I had fun, and really enjoyed my life as a student.
Instead of a degree and a better job came illness. After that unemployment and on top of that – financial collapse. Of these three the first two were not my fault and the third is to a large degree my own doing.
Now I suffer the consequences of my actions. Still I haven’t given up. I keep looking for ways to move forward.
However, I have more days now, when I question how long I will be able to keep going without getting anywhere. The temptation of giving up and letting it all go grows stronger.
If only there was a way to go back and make some changes. If only.