Dream

All posts tagged Dream

Life in review

Published 09/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life. How I ended up where I am.

I know one thing – if I could go back and change some of my actions, I would. In fact, I wish I could.

But of course I know I can’t. All I can do is live on and learn from the past mistakes so that I will not repeat them again down the line.

I also question some of the choices I’ve made.

For so long I had the dream of becoming a writer. Yet, all I did was to write things that nobody ever saw or got to read. The dream, I carried in my head. Kept to myself while I worked with the “simple” tasks at my job in the grocery stores. For decades.

I did go to the University after having worked for more than ten years and when I did, I had many bold plans, hopes and dreams. Filled with motivation and energy I set out to study and then advance from my low-level job to a better one. At the University I did well – most classes I passed with the highest grades. I had fun, and really enjoyed my life as a student.

Instead of a degree and a better job came illness. After that unemployment and on top of that – financial collapse.  Of these three the first two were not my fault and the third is to a large degree my own doing.

Now I suffer the consequences of my actions. Still I haven’t given up. I keep looking for ways to move forward.

However, I have more days now, when I question how long I will be able to keep going without getting anywhere.  The temptation of giving up and letting it all go grows stronger.

If only there was a way to go back and make some changes.  If only.

 

 

All that

Published 08/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

All that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed.

At some moments I stop to think about what I got. And about what I didn’t get. What I haven’t got. What I will never have.

True, I don’t know what will be. I can’t turn back time and change the past. All there is, is the here and now. For better or worse.

Still, when I happen to see what could be and know what could have been, I can’t help to wonder why it didn’t happen. Why it can’t be. What it could be instead. What can be if what I want can’t be? Can I accept what there is and not feel like what there isn’t is always better? Be happy in the here and now with the way it is – why does it seem more and more like a challenge I do not want?

Probably because I have no – or very few – options. I have to be where I’m at because that’s all there is.

I do my best to see a way to get to where I want to be but that road is a long and winding one at best and at worst no road at all.

Holding my head high is not always easy or even possible. Still, I feel no shame when I don’t. I feel no shame to want what I can’t have or wish things would change to make the impossible option possible. I dare to dream the impossible dream. Still. It keeps me going. That little dream. Against reason.

What if I stopped. Can’t. If I let the dream go, I will have nothing. Perhaps I have nothing now but without the dream of something, I will truly have nothing at all.

My life is the way it is. Serves me not to look at life around me and wish it was mine when it isn’t. Wishes are only wishes. What’s real is what counts.

I’ve never known any other life than the life I have. The loner’s life. For a long time I convinced myself it was as good a life as any. Not sure anymore. I wish the years I have behind me would have been years I had shared with someone.

Sure I have experiences shared by others but not with anyone really close. That special one that I can’t seem to find. All I think of lately is time running out. Time having run out. While I’m still in the same spot and looking at time running. Wishing I could run along with it. Or rather wanting to stop it so there’ll still be time left for me to find what I’m still looking for.

NO. All is a mess. Better to leave it alone.

 

 

Dream a little dream

Published 07/05/2012 by MoonieZ

Is it allowed? That’s  a serious question, no joke. Is it allowed to dream?

I have a little dream, I still keep dreaming. One little dream left. One dream I refuse to let go of. One little dream.

Once, long ago, I had plenty of dreams to indulge in. Big dreams, bold dreams. Shiny and glittering, bombastic and proud.

As the years went by, however, that thing we call reality started to chip away more and more of those dreams. Then one day, there was nothing left. The dreams had all been reduced to dust. All except one. One little dream remained, sheltered deep in my heart and my mind.

Reality has tried to attack this dream too, of course, but so far, I’ve fought back, defended this one little dream, kept it alive.

Why?

Why not? is my answer. Everyone should be allowed to have at least one dream. Even against all odds. Even if the dream will most likely never come true.

One little dream can be the difference between holding on or letting go, between finding the will to get up and work through another day or staying in bed and turning your back to the world.

One little dream.

Living in the real world

Published 06/28/2012 by MoonieZ

Not always easy. So much more fun to indulge in illusions and fantasy. Escape into dreams of things that will never be. I’ve spent a lot of my time chasing dreams and living in a fantasy. Even when the real world came stomping in I didn’t give up my effort to hold on to the fantasy against all reason.  Sometimes the reality and the dream seemed to be one and the same. Those were happy times. The impossible seemed not only possible but within reach. Had I only reached out long enough. I didn’t. At the same moment as the dream could have become real , I backed away from it. Why? I got scared it wouldn’t be what I dreamed and most of all that I wouldn’t be like I was in my dreams. In the light of reality, I didn’t like who I saw when I looked in the mirror. So, I discarded myself from being good enough to deserve a chance to see a dream become real. It was safe to dream as long as the dream remained a dream. Then I had control. Control is the key word. In the real world, I had to give up all control  and let things be what they may. For better or worse.

Domination dream

Published 05/24/2012 by MoonieZ

I woke up from a dream this morning. No, not a nightmare this time. Perhaps it was a bit of a strange dream but it didn’t really scare me as much as it excited me. On the other hand I often wake up feeling rather excited in the early mornings. That’s another story though.

What I remember of the dream is that I was being dominated by a certain woman who used me as she pleased and that it was a very satisfying feeling to submit to her will and actions.

I have to admit I have these dreams from time to time and also find myself daydreaming about scenarios of the same kind.

Being submissive and rather helpless, sometimes being tied down and forced to surrender. Sometimes just letting myself be used even when I could easily avoid it  by refusing to submit.

However, this is not my only daydream or fantasy. What the others are? If I feel like sharing them, I will, but not at this time.  I am not too interested in sharing all my sexual fantasies with the world. Actually I’m rather shy about these matters. Perhaps not the typical Swedish approach but I’ve never been much of the typical type of person.

 

Nightmare

Published 05/19/2012 by MoonieZ

Woke up early from a nightmare this morning.
I was in a submarine deep down in some ocean and getting into a diving suit. When I was ready the suit filled up with water and I drowned inside the suit. That’s when I woke up.

What does this mean? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? That I’m in too deep? In over my head? Out of my depth? Or was it just a dream.

After thinking about it  a bit, I managed to fall asleep again. Which was just as well, because I have a cold and my head feels like its full of snot. Less of  sore throat today but more sneezing instead. I hope I will be ok by Monday. Somewhat spoiling my long weekend though to be ill.