Dream

All posts tagged Dream

Life in review

Published 09/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life. How I ended up where I am.

I know one thing – if I could go back and change some of my actions, I would. In fact, I wish I could.

But of course I know I can’t. All I can do is live on and learn from the past mistakes so that I will not repeat them again down the line.

I also question some of the choices I’ve made.

For so long I had the dream of becoming a writer. Yet, all I did was to write things that nobody ever saw or got to read. The dream, I carried in my head. Kept to myself while I worked with the “simple” tasks at my job in the grocery stores. For decades.

I did go to the University after having worked for more than ten years and when I did, I had many bold plans, hopes and dreams. Filled with motivation and energy I set out to study and then advance from my low-level job to a better one. At the University I did well – most classes I passed with the highest grades. I had fun, and really enjoyed my life as a student.

Instead of a degree and a better job came illness. After that unemployment and on top of that – financial collapse.  Of these three the first two were not my fault and the third is to a large degree my own doing.

Now I suffer the consequences of my actions. Still I haven’t given up. I keep looking for ways to move forward.

However, I have more days now, when I question how long I will be able to keep going without getting anywhere.  The temptation of giving up and letting it all go grows stronger.

If only there was a way to go back and make some changes.  If only.

 

 

All that

Published 08/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

All that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed.

At some moments I stop to think about what I got. And about what I didn’t get. What I haven’t got. What I will never have.

True, I don’t know what will be. I can’t turn back time and change the past. All there is, is the here and now. For better or worse.

Still, when I happen to see what could be and know what could have been, I can’t help to wonder why it didn’t happen. Why it can’t be. What it could be instead. What can be if what I want can’t be? Can I accept what there is and not feel like what there isn’t is always better? Be happy in the here and now with the way it is – why does it seem more and more like a challenge I do not want?

Probably because I have no – or very few – options. I have to be where I’m at because that’s all there is.

I do my best to see a way to get to where I want to be but that road is a long and winding one at best and at worst no road at all.

Holding my head high is not always easy or even possible. Still, I feel no shame when I don’t. I feel no shame to want what I can’t have or wish things would change to make the impossible option possible. I dare to dream the impossible dream. Still. It keeps me going. That little dream. Against reason.

What if I stopped. Can’t. If I let the dream go, I will have nothing. Perhaps I have nothing now but without the dream of something, I will truly have nothing at all.

My life is the way it is. Serves me not to look at life around me and wish it was mine when it isn’t. Wishes are only wishes. What’s real is what counts.

I’ve never known any other life than the life I have. The loner’s life. For a long time I convinced myself it was as good a life as any. Not sure anymore. I wish the years I have behind me would have been years I had shared with someone.

Sure I have experiences shared by others but not with anyone really close. That special one that I can’t seem to find. All I think of lately is time running out. Time having run out. While I’m still in the same spot and looking at time running. Wishing I could run along with it. Or rather wanting to stop it so there’ll still be time left for me to find what I’m still looking for.

NO. All is a mess. Better to leave it alone.

 

 

Dream a little dream

Published 07/05/2012 by MoonieZ

Is it allowed? That’s  a serious question, no joke. Is it allowed to dream?

I have a little dream, I still keep dreaming. One little dream left. One dream I refuse to let go of. One little dream.

Once, long ago, I had plenty of dreams to indulge in. Big dreams, bold dreams. Shiny and glittering, bombastic and proud.

As the years went by, however, that thing we call reality started to chip away more and more of those dreams. Then one day, there was nothing left. The dreams had all been reduced to dust. All except one. One little dream remained, sheltered deep in my heart and my mind.

Reality has tried to attack this dream too, of course, but so far, I’ve fought back, defended this one little dream, kept it alive.

Why?

Why not? is my answer. Everyone should be allowed to have at least one dream. Even against all odds. Even if the dream will most likely never come true.

One little dream can be the difference between holding on or letting go, between finding the will to get up and work through another day or staying in bed and turning your back to the world.

One little dream.

Living in the real world

Published 06/28/2012 by MoonieZ

Not always easy. So much more fun to indulge in illusions and fantasy. Escape into dreams of things that will never be. I’ve spent a lot of my time chasing dreams and living in a fantasy. Even when the real world came stomping in I didn’t give up my effort to hold on to the fantasy against all reason.  Sometimes the reality and the dream seemed to be one and the same. Those were happy times. The impossible seemed not only possible but within reach. Had I only reached out long enough. I didn’t. At the same moment as the dream could have become real , I backed away from it. Why? I got scared it wouldn’t be what I dreamed and most of all that I wouldn’t be like I was in my dreams. In the light of reality, I didn’t like who I saw when I looked in the mirror. So, I discarded myself from being good enough to deserve a chance to see a dream become real. It was safe to dream as long as the dream remained a dream. Then I had control. Control is the key word. In the real world, I had to give up all control  and let things be what they may. For better or worse.

Domination dream

Published 05/24/2012 by MoonieZ

I woke up from a dream this morning. No, not a nightmare this time. Perhaps it was a bit of a strange dream but it didn’t really scare me as much as it excited me. On the other hand I often wake up feeling rather excited in the early mornings. That’s another story though.

What I remember of the dream is that I was being dominated by a certain woman who used me as she pleased and that it was a very satisfying feeling to submit to her will and actions.

I have to admit I have these dreams from time to time and also find myself daydreaming about scenarios of the same kind.

Being submissive and rather helpless, sometimes being tied down and forced to surrender. Sometimes just letting myself be used even when I could easily avoid it  by refusing to submit.

However, this is not my only daydream or fantasy. What the others are? If I feel like sharing them, I will, but not at this time.  I am not too interested in sharing all my sexual fantasies with the world. Actually I’m rather shy about these matters. Perhaps not the typical Swedish approach but I’ve never been much of the typical type of person.

 

Nightmare

Published 05/19/2012 by MoonieZ

Woke up early from a nightmare this morning.
I was in a submarine deep down in some ocean and getting into a diving suit. When I was ready the suit filled up with water and I drowned inside the suit. That’s when I woke up.

What does this mean? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? That I’m in too deep? In over my head? Out of my depth? Or was it just a dream.

After thinking about it  a bit, I managed to fall asleep again. Which was just as well, because I have a cold and my head feels like its full of snot. Less of  sore throat today but more sneezing instead. I hope I will be ok by Monday. Somewhat spoiling my long weekend though to be ill.

Weekend that was

Published 05/09/2012 by MoonieZ

This is something I have had on my mind to write for days now.

It’s really a simple story but somehow I haven’t wanted to write it down.  Been thinking about how to tell it, what words to use.  As usual when I think too much, nothing gets done, so now I’m typing without much thinking and we’ll see how it goes.

Friday afternoon I returned from a rather dull day at the office expecting nothing more than to get home and have some dinner and relax.

Well, in my mail was a very big envelope from a University. I could almost guess what was in it: a degree certificate.

The final proof that my struggle to finish my education was over had arrived. Now I had the result in my hand. I felt very happy but also relieved. To finish had taken a long time.

I had at times thought that it would never happen. I had been ready to give up along the way. Especially during the break that lasted 10 years , when I didn’t study at all. Yet, deep down inside I did want to finish. I didn’t want all the work to be in vain.

It also had to do with the memory of my father. When he passed away I decided that life is too short for not trying to live one’s dreams. There may not be a tomorrow so today has to be made the most of.

Before my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer I thought I had plenty of time and that there was no rush to do anything – “I’ll do it later”. I liked my life and my work and I thought higher education wasn’t for me anyway. Besides, I had already turned down a chance to go to the University and had started working instead.

However, when one of your parents die your perspective changes. At least my perspective changed.

I realized life can end at any moment and I knew that when my parents are gone, I’m next in line so I better have lived a full life before the day comes when it all ends.

My father was happy with his life – he said he had lived his dream. So I asked myself – if I die tomorrow will I be able to say the same about my life? The answer was NO.  Why? Because I still wanted to do more, learn more and work with something where I could make use of my talents and education. So a year after my father died, I decided to go back to school and try to make my dream real.

To be honest there were other reasons as well but I will not mention those here.

Anyway, this Friday I reached the end of that story. Now the next chapter will begin.

Needless to say this event stirred a lot of emotions which kind of messed up my weekend plans and interactions. I wasn’t at my most balanced self so I think I may have seemed more weird than usual. However by Monday I was back to my normal self and now I feel fine. I’m very happy to have my degree of Bachelor of Arts and I’m glad I didn’t give up on it.

Unrealistic reality

Published 01/01/2012 by MoonieZ

To think I have everything under control. When I don’t control anything. Almost not even myself.  To think the unreal could be real just by a will to make it so. To think a dream could be made real just through trying enough times.

I’ve had an unrealistic approach to reality. To what is possible and what’s not. To know what is there and what’s only in my mind. To see the difference and accept it. So many times my mind has wanted me to interpret reality in an unrealistic way to better suit my dream of how it ought to be. For too long this has been going on. For too long I’ve allowed myself to indulge in my illusions of reality in an unrealistic way. I’ve gotten lost in that world. Lost my sense of what is really real. My sense of what’s possible and what’s only wishful thinking. I guess if you have had a dream or a wish long enough it becomes a very powerful force in your life so that it even makes you lose your sense of what’s real and what’s not. Make your expectations unrealistic instead of realistic. Even though I think I’ve got myself out of that , I still slip back into it and have to make another effort to get back out.

Not that it’s wrong to dream or wish or hope for things to happen, but it might be wise to make a reality check from time to time to make sure the dreaming is not distorting one’s perception of reality so that you stop seeing what’s really there in favor of what you wish it to be.

I’m not sure this makes any sense to anyone but I will post it anyway because it’s what I’ve been thinking of lately.

New Year’s Day

Published 01/01/2012 by MoonieZ

Woke up in the afternoon after going to sleep late. Had a wonderful fun night in a chatroom of a friend. Not often I get to celebrate both Christmas and New Year‘s Eve with friends online.  I am very happy for the way this holiday season turned out. Only have a few minor regrets.

I forget myself sometimes and express myself a bit too freely and without thought. I guess I’m only human and can’t always keep a lid on my feelings even though I try to remember what it’s all about and that I have made up my mind about it already. Still, can’t deny there’s a part of me who will always wish it was different. Against all logic and reason. I think that’s only human too. Without hopes and dreams where would anyone be and what would the world be like? Not a place I’d want to be in, that’s for sure.

A new year means a fresh start  – or at least a chance to make a fresh start. I will try to take that chance once more. Not that I have any real specific resolution but I have made a kind of promise to myself to make the best of everything and try to always find a way to move forward instead of giving up when the road seems dark or when a goal seems out of reach.

Plans for the new year include getting a hair cut, some better style of appearance and a more active approach to job searching. I also want to put a lot of effort into my writing projects so that they may help me find a job I would really like to do.

On the more personal level I have to say that being the eternal lonely single guy is making me crazy. However, after having tried so many times in so many ways over so many years to change that fact and always seemed to fail, I’m frankly scared of even mentioning any kind of  wish to change my status but I know that deep down that is still my most sacred dream and one that I would like to make come true if I could only figure out how. I have probably used the wrong ways to do it and in a lot of wrong places and with a lot of wrong words and actions over the past 25 years but I never thought it would be such a chore, that it would be so difficult.

For a long time I thought it was only because of my social awkwardness and shyness I had such trouble but then I started to suspect I had other problems. Not being able to understand communication the right way. Not able to pick up signals. Not willing to take enough risks. Not enough confidence and courage.

Then I thought about it again and started to doubt those reasons too.  Wrong place, wrong time and wrong approach are what I think are the reasons now for my lack of progress in this area.  Too high standards and unrealistic expectations play a part. Also my total lack of experience in anything other than failure makes it hard to know what to do to succeed.

I’ve had help from some friends over the years but without much result. Still, I’ve been happy for the help and advice I’ve gotten. In all honesty I must also confess to having given up on the whole idea for long periods of time. Many times I’ve spent countless hours of thinking about it only to end up with giving it all up and letting things be even though the wish, the dream to change it has always remained in the back of my mind.

Lastly, my very romantic and unrealistic view of women as goddesses to be worshiped has most likely not helped me much either. I may have mostly abandoned this notion for the last 10 years but even after having a more realistic view of women as simply equal and regular fellow human beings, I’ve not gotten any closer to making my dream real.

Yet at the start of each new year I hope that this will be the time when I figure it all out and manage to make my dream real. Not having to spend another year alone is what I keep hoping for.

There’s one more thing I’d like to change.  My financial status. Right now, it’s poor. With hard work and some luck I wish to change that. I hope to do it during this year but I don’t know how long it will take. I only know I want to change it for the better.  To do it I have some ideas.

Today I will spend what remains of the day relaxing and keeping my mind off of all these things though.

Peace.

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