Words at random

Evening! Or night. rather, as it is past midnight when this is written – or typed.  Best to be honest, never know who might be reading this. That’s the beauty of a public blog. I never know who reads it or when or where they do it. Of course I know of some who reads it  – the ones who lets me know about it by leaving comments or sends me tweets or email. But those aren’t that many, and I know I have some followers of this blog so I suppose they read it – at least from time to time. Then there are those who arrive at my blog at random, from all over the world. I never know who they are but I notice they have been here.

Funny, when I started back in the summer of 2005, I didn’t think anyone would bother to read anything here. Or at least not many and not a lot. In fact, I only started because of one person asking me if I was doing anything creative. She’s still around the internet, I still see her online from time to time. Probably I have written this before but I’ll do it once more just to say thanks for the inspiration to get me started. Who knows if I’d still be here typing almost nine years later if I had never entered that chat room over at that site and started talking.

Lately, I have found my blog to be lacking in good writing. I don’t post a lot, and when I do I find my texts to be short, shallow and mostly pointless parades of random words. Not like it used to be. Over the years I have published some very personal texts dealing with my life in many ways.

Dreams don’t come true if they’re not pursued. Dreaming it is not enough. You have to chase the dream. Catch it and make it real. I have just been dreaming my life away, never getting started. Probably my fear of failure is to blame, which means the only person I can point my finger at is me, myself and I. My fault. All my fault.

Never got going, never wanted it bad enough to run after it and risk not catching up to it. Rather just keep dreaming while time runs away.

Same story about almost everything.  Like love. Don’t even get me started on that topic. Endless row of failures, of maybe I ought to but what if I fail type of moments.

Been chasing love in all the wrong places with all the wrong tools. In fact, have yet to figure out how to chase it down at all. How the damn game is played.

So, stuck at watching John Hughes old movies and let my thoughts shake hands with my memories of youth while my dreams of romance slips its damp hand into mine and takes me for a stroll in dreamland.

Yeah, at least there’s one genius in the family: my oldest nephew – the music video director.  Below this text of mine you’ll find a new directing and editing effort of his.

So damn proud of him. When we grew up, he was like my little brother more than he was my nephew and I always knew he’d get where he wanted to go. Wouldn’t let anything stop him. Unlike me he seems to have managed his fears of failure, been courageous enough to keep on going no matter how long or how hard the road.

Veronica Maggio – Hela huset (ft. Håkan Hellström)

Some people

Some people have that ability to always leave me feeling happier than I did at the start. Whenever I see them. Every time.

I could write a long story about it but what is said above is all that needs to be said. Also this:

Thank you.

Something good

 

Looks like I’m doing something right on this blog.

Food

I like food. Everyone who knows me and have seen my full figure knows I like food. It shows. It’s very obvious.

What kind of food? The kind I should not like. The kind I should not eat a lot of. That’s the kind I like the most. Don’t get me wrong. I like lettuce too, just not on a daily basis.

I do like cheese, bread, meat, chicken, fish, vegetables and spices and combinations of them all.

Food, in my opinion, should be easy to cook and easy to eat. Also it should taste great. Be delicious. If not, I’m not eating it. Unless I’m forced to for some reason or another.

I like to cook. As long as it isn’t a too complicated dish. And as long as the recipe is short and to the point. The best cooking I know involves opening of tin and operation of microwave oven. No, not really. Seriously, the best cooking I know is the cooking done by others: like my mother or even better by my brother the chef (sorry, mom).

Sometimes I wish I could cook as good as they do but I know my limitations. I do not have the passion or motivation to spend that much time to learn and practice cooking. I wish I had but that’s not how I roll.

Same thing about baking. My mother grew up in a bakery, she is the daughter of a baker who in turn was the son of a baker. That means that what she doesn’t know about baking is not worth knowing.  I have learned what little I know about baking from her, obviously. Not that I do a lot of baking. Not that I know why I don’t.

What I know about food I learned from my mother but mostly from my brother the chef. Also I am and always have been curious about food from different parts of the world and wanted to sample various cuisines and dishes or food items that happen to come my way.  If any of my friends mention some food or recipe or anything food related that they like, I make a note of it and often try it out (if possible) to see if I like it too.

I read about food, I read recipes and I read about restaurants. Often look up restaurants online to look at the menu and find out what dishes I would like to try.  I also like photographs of cooking, dishes and food items.

When I go grocery shopping I almost always look for new items to try or at least I make a list in my mind of things I’d like to try later.

Having worked in grocery stores for many years, I have to admit to having a bit of an interest in how food is presented in stores and how the stores look and feel to the consumer. Also I am interested in how food is produced.  It all boils down to the passion for eating good food though. That’s where it all begins. For me, at least.

“I’ve Been Waiting Such A Long Time”

(Source: Spotify)

This song makes me think about You.

Out of the dark and into the light

No, no, no. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against darkness. Nothing against the dark. Nothing against the concept of darkness. Nothing at all. Just that what I am thinking of right now is the way writing works when it works. When it really works.

Writing points the way out of the dark and into the light. Reading a really good book, a really good story, a really amazing text, has the same effect upon my being.

Of course – a good film, a great play or a poetic piece of music and lyrics can work the same magic but to me the most effective magic are the written words, the words I write or the words of others.

Only rarely do I reach the light through the writing. When it happens, I’m more than happy. I find a happiness only equaled by the one love, real love can bring about.

I keep searching, I keep trying. Rarely do I succeed. Words are not always my best friends. Many times there is a struggle to get them where they end up to be. Sometimes, they never find their proper order.

But when they do. Oh, when they do.  Those rare moments are not possible to define in words, they have to be experienced, felt, lived.

Once it happens, that’s when you really know. Until then, all you can do is guess what it might be like but your guess will never be anyway near the true, real feeling.

The light

Not long ago, I posted some updates on here about how depressed I was feeling. I had reason to feel depressed. I still have reasons to feel depressed, but I feel much less depressed now. Somehow some people have the ability to make me forget about trouble and focus on the good things, the fun things, the things worth living for.

Thanks.

Terrific Tuesday

Actually I have no idea if today is terrific or not but since I lack  a better word I’ll go with this and see where it takes me.

Last night I watched a few football games (soccer) on TV and the first one was a bit of a sleeping pill while the other one was a thriller that ended in defeat for the proud Swedish national team. They didn’t believe in victory enough to win. The didn’t know they could play a better game than the Ukraine. They lacked confidence and didn’t have enough determination. They acted somewhat the same way as I do in too many situations. Instead of pushing on I back away and become passive. Instead of going for what I want I let it slip out of my hands.

Anyway, there are two games left to play and there’s still a chance for the team to advance to the quarter finals but to do that they now have to win both of the remaining games. I doubt they can do that. England and France are both better teams than the Ukraine so the Swedes will have to be at the very top of their game to win. I wonder where they will find the courage and will power to do that.

On the other hand, I have found new courage and determination after a few days of doubt and depressive thinking. Simply because I was inspired by something I read on Twitter thanks to it being retweeted by a friend:

No one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

— Idil Ahmed (@idillionaire) June 10, 2012

This made me change my way of thinking about the whole thing I was depressed about and I suddenly knew I still have the power to influence what will happen and how it all will end. So I stopped thinking I was done for and decided to keep going and do what I do best.

Never give up

(Source: Tumblr)

I have to learn to never give up.  Maybe then things will one day go my way too.

Never settle for less