Personal stuff

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Friday November 17, 2017

Published 11/17/2017 by MoonieZ

Excuse me. I couldn’t think of any headline for this ramble so picking today was the easiest way out of that predicament.

Woke up early today after sleeping almost the whole night through. Still felt tired and not much in the mood for getting out of bed but eventually I made it up.

Not more than an hour later I was at the bus stop waiting to catch a bus to the next town to attend a meeting with a study group to learn more about ways to manage time, energy and activities for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I arrived at a reasonable time this time because I almost didn’t go at all. However, once I arrived I started to feel better about the day. And the two hours went by fast. I like the fact that there are only four people in the group and that all are nice and friendly. It makes it all better and more interesting to take part in. Also, I like to meet other people with the same disorder. Just to know I’m not alone helps a lot. The funny thing is that I don’t find any of them strange, to me they all seem “normal”.

Anyway, no matter how interesting it was to be there, I was still very tired when I got on the bus back to my new hometown. Almost fell asleep several times along the way.

My brain is tired. The rest of me isn’t, but since the brain controls the rest of the body its hard to find the energy to do much.

I got home though, and had a nice walk in the sun through the park where the ducks along the canal greeted me with the usual “quack” sounding a bit like laughter.

At last, back in my humble apartment, I heated some food, had some drinks, and sat down to eat. Feeling exhausted.

Is this going to go on much longer? Well, I was wondering when you’d show up, figment of my imagination. You can always trust me to show up when you write boring pointless stuff like this. I know I can because you are a figment of my imagination. Are you sure? Why wouldn’t I be? Not the first time you show up.  And not the last! Well, that depends on if I let you. What do you mean? I make my own destiny! You think so? What if I simply stop typing, where will you be then? I will be right 

Well that’s the end of that. Back to the story of my day. Or perhaps not.

My Friday is rolling along at a slow pace. Pretty good but rather boring. Not much to add.

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Brain

Published 11/16/2017 by MoonieZ

Yesterday I wrote about the feeling of missing someone more than expected. I don’t know how well I managed to explain it but it made me feel better to write about it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is good or bad to be honest and upfront about how I feel. Some things might be better not told. Or am I wrong? I can’t keep it hidden though. Not for long.

Also, my brain is a mystery to me sometimes. When there are no major problems I don’t notice it much but when problems arise that’s when I notice how my brain don’t work the way I wish. Probably sounds strange to those who don’t have the same kind of  problems  I have. Or difficulties rather.

Right now I feel like I’m creating problems out of nothing. Instead of taking it easy and going on like usual, I keep getting worried, stressed and having sudden anxiety attacks. I don’t even know why it happens. Not really.
That’s why I feel my brain is a mystery to me.

Then I keep forgetting the people I care about, and one of them in particular. Instead of being calm and collected I act very anxious and nervous lately.

Expecting more attention when I know the person is very busy and has stated not having time for much else than their business at hand for a week. Instead of understanding and respecting this like I set out to do, I find myself being clingy. Not how I am or how I want to be.

Guess it boils down to that old deep-rooted fear of not being good enough. That thought or feeling I should have done away with years ago. It keeps popping back up in my brain and I fight it over and over. I really wish I could let it go for good and just be happy.

Feels like a mission impossible most of the time  but I have to keep working on ways to handle it.

So this week I’m not being how I wanted to be. I’m not being the person I know I am and can be. I’m letting those same old fears get the better of me. I write strange things early in the morning,  I go quiet for hours and almost days, I keep feeling sorry for myself, I write about my sadness on Twitter, listen to a lot of music that only serves to make me feel even more miserable instead of making me feel better about myself.

I feel I’m letting myself down and also that person I miss. I know I can be so much better. How did I lose all of that so quickly?

I’m trying to stop feeling sorry and do things to feel better instead. Also stop making excuses and start making changes instead. And I’m trying to forgive myself instead of thinking I’m useless just because I can’t be the way I want to be at all times.

Somehow I keep getting back to the same spot. Better end this here. For now.

Away

Published 11/15/2017 by MoonieZ

Away.

Funny how much one small word can affect your whole world.

Don’t know about your world but that word ‘away’ surely has an effect on my world. My whole being. Didn’t think it would when I first learned you were going away for a week. I thought I would make it without any major difficulty. Perhaps miss you not being around but surely I would be OK. Not so easy, it turned out.

Now three days in, not counting last Sunday, I’m more or less a wreck from missing you.  For two months there was only one day you weren’t around and even that one evening was tough so I should have known this week wouldn’t be a piece of cake.

However, I never figured I’d feel like a part of me had been torn out, that there’d be this empty space, this void in me, where you used to be. That it would hurt to not see you, is something I didn’t count on.

Still, I try to manage. Just finding it hard to fill all this time each day that I used to spend with you with something equally satisfying. Haven’t found anything yet, though. Doubt I will.

Sleep a lot more, eat, drink, play video games, listen to music, think, write – all of it only helps so much when my soul only miss you and long for your return.

I feel bad for feeling this way when I want to be brave and strong and show myself that I can live without seeing you every day. But it seems I can’t. Trying to learn. Slowly.

 

The unexpected

Published 11/05/2017 by MoonieZ

Most of the time I have no clue where I’ll end up when I start to write. Sometimes that works very well but at other times the result is just a mess of unfinished ideas.

What this will end up being is impossible to tell at this stage.

Same feeling of not knowing what will be or even happen next is what I’ve got when I see my new friend online.

Even as I like the constant status of never knowing what will happen next , it doesn’t always sit well with my anxiety and worry about not being able to predict what will happen. At times I succumb to a lot of emotional stress but I do my best to fight it.

The overall feeling is happiness after all. Perhaps even a level of happiness I have never experienced before. So spending time with my friend is most likely only good for me. Despite the fact that I sometimes worry a lot.

However, I think I’m also learning to handle my fears and worries about the unpredictable unknown through the interaction with my friend. So, I’m positive about the whole experience. Even if it drains a lot energy from me it also gives me energy and makes the rest of my life easier to handle.  I’m not feeling all alone anymore.  I have something to care about – and someone to care about. It takes me away from only thinking about my problems and worrying about them. Instead I can focus on others, and on having fun.

Surely, I could do this without the internet and the online world but even if it’s a mediated experience it’s still about social interaction and dealing with real thoughts and feelings so I do think it’s all good in the end.

Still I’m sometimes surprised about all of this and find myself wondering if it’s just” a dream I will eventually wake up from,  but then I remember it is actually really happening here and now.

Some more

Published 11/05/2017 by MoonieZ

There comes a time when you…. know the time has come to raise….your keyboard and start to type yet again.

What about, is not entirely clear.

The reader might remember a previous update about a new friend I have been spending a lot time with for the past two months. If the reader can’t remember that update, it doesn’t matter.

To spend all this time keeps me on my toes, as I’m constantly learning a lot of things about myself, about her and life in general.

Often I find myself going outside of my comfort zone to try things I never thought I would ever consider doing. I find it to be more fun than I expected.

All of this makes me feel so much more alive.  The only worry I have is that it won’t last forever.

 

Names

Published 11/04/2017 by MoonieZ

Well, I’m not sure to bother with this anymore but I feel the need to give my side of the story without distortion by people who don’t know me but seem to think they know how I feel and why I do what I do or don’t do.

It began after I had met a very nice person online and started spending a lot of time with this person.

One evening I got a message from someone I had been seeing now and then before I met the person I am now spending my time with.

This message insulted me and ended with a laugh. I didn’t respond and thought that was the end  of it.

I also got an email from someone else who claimed to know the person who sent the insulting message  was very upset with me not being around as much as I used to. I didn’t think much of it until recently I got more emails with a very insulting language accusing me of hurting a persons feelings and not caring about it. Also, I got told I was wasting my time seeing the new person for various reasons I won’t mention because I’m not sinking to that low level of name calling and insults.

I replied to let it be known I didn’t care for the language used and that the person writing to me had no idea about how I feel or who or what I care about.

This will be the end of it for me as I don’t care for drama.

If the idea behind these messages and emails was to get me to return they really didn’t do any good. Instead they made me certain to never ever return. So, not a good strategy.

 

 

I like where I am now

Published 10/28/2017 by MoonieZ

Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.

A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.

I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.

First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.

Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.

Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.

On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.

I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.

So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.

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