Hey readers, Its been a long time.
Been doing a lot of thinking. Not much news.
I have stopped bothering with people who only play me around. Say things they don’t really mean. That aren’t serious even if it sounds like it. People who tell me to never leave and then have no problem leaving me. From one day to the next. No more of that. Not for me.
I’ve been used and abused enough. Played the fool for the last time. Rather be alone forever than trusting anyone again, or like.
Also, never again will I look for the things I miss in the place they can’t be found. Just because I found it once, but that was one lucky exception. I wish that one had not ended. I miss that person so much. However, I miss other people too, despite what I feel about some of what they said and did.
I can only change me. So if I want things to change I must change my ways. And I have.
The money is lost but that’s not the end of the world. It would be wrong to say I didn’t enjoy any of it. What I regret is what I expected it would bring. Wrong to believe in words on a screen. It was a fantasy, an illusion, a dream I let myself dream because real life was too much pain and still is. I wanted to escape it. Only made a fool of myself and ended up in more pain. Now I work on getting ahead, on making my present better. Try to stop looking back and stop beating myself up about things I can not change.
See you further on up the road.
I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.
Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.
Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.
Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.
I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.
Yes, I know. You all thought I had passed on to the great beyond. Not yet, readers, not yet.
But, I sometimes wonder if I’m living or only just alive.
*+So the start of the year hasn’t really been that great. Sure, some good moments, laughs and happy times but also a lot of worry, struggle and depressive feelings of doom and gloom.
I’m currently just spending my days waiting for messages to arrive that will inform me of whats next concerning jobs and other matters. And I’m also totally broke. Hardly got money for food. I did this to myself because I wanted to spend time with someone. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. Now, I wonder how I could go so crazy but on the other hand I regret not the hours of great fun I’ve had. Still have but not in the same way.
Though, I wouldn’t do it again in the same way. Twice is once too many times, and three times would be downright insane. I must be more responsible. So, I have a plan for this year. A simple plan through which I aim to regain control over my life and actions.
It may be disappointing and dull for some but for me its the only option left.
the new year started.
I was going to write about the old year but I don’t really like to look back too much anymore.
However, there are some things about the old year that I should mention.
- My old home, the house that was built by my parents and owned by my mother until her death, was sold by me and my brothers. So, I had to move. First I had to find out where to. After a time I did decide on a small town to the north and in February I moved. It caused a lot of stress. Anxiety. Nightmares. I honestly spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I missed my old home. I missed all that was gone.
- A positive thing about moving to a small town: things aren’t so far away. I can walk to every place I need to go to. Only rarely do I need to take the bus. And also hardly any stress. Quiet and peaceful most of the time. It has really lowered the level of stress in my life.
- There was good hope of a better life during the old year. The local employment agency started me in a program to get into job training. And it all looked good for a long time but in the end nothing became of the nice plans. Starting over with other plans this year.
- I made some foolish things during the old year because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I hoped it would lead to something better for me in the long run. Now I don’t know and I think I should have been a lot more sensible. All I can do is to learn from it to not repeat it again. On the other hand, while it lasted I had fun and escaped some worry, stress and anxiety. And the lonely feeling of being all alone in the world.
- I got to know someone online. Someone I quickly grew to care about a lot more than I first thought. From early September to the end of the year I had such great good feelings and so much fun. And I wasn’t all alone. Still a feeling of doubt was beginning to emerge. Now I’m starting to wonder how I really feel.
- Spent time with my uncle, my father’s only brother and my living link to the past on my father’s side of the family.
- Continued to play a lot of games. Mostly Grand Theft Auto Online on the Xbox.
- Turned 50 years old. Started to feel depressed about how little I’ve done with my life.
- Learned about ways to handle my disorder during some classes I took part in.
- Continue to hope to find someone to love who will love me too.
One thing I keep learning is to not get stuck thinking about things you did that can’t be changed. Its better to move on and look ahead towards what can be changed.
However, I get stuck in thinking of the past very easily. Mostly when I feel I could have done something in a different way. At times I regret doing what I did but not very often.
The past week had me thinking a lot and also feeling lost and downhearted.
Yesterday, after a walk, I more or less broke down and felt totally without any hope about anything. I cursed myself and even started thinking I don’t know how to keep on living.
After a while I started to calm down though, and then I somehow found new strength and determination. I wrote down a few things I want to change and also a few major goals for the coming year. When I did that, I got a message from a friend and shortly after that she was online and I went to chat. Then the rest of the day and evening I was in a good mood and had a lot of laughs.
Woke up today feeling good and thinking about what I can do to get myself moving forward towards my goals and how to make the changes that will make my life better.
I’m going to hold on to the positive thoughts and turn them into actions.
And remind myself I got through a lot of difficult times already in my life. I can do it again. Even if I will stumble sometimes along the way.
I feel like I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like what I do or say doesn’t work out as it used to. Probably because I don’t understand what to do or say.
It bothers me, and makes me anxious and nervous and sad. I try my best to stay positive and work my way through all the negative thoughts and feelings that grab hold of me. Never wanted more to understand things and people the right way so I won’t fuck up but it feels like it’s not possible for me. I feel so lost and useless and small. All I wish is to be happy for myself and for others. When I can’t be, I feel like a big fail.
All the things happening lately has made me so weak and scared. There is someone I don’t want to lose but my inability to communicate properly is making me afraid I will.
Today, or yesterday, has been so exhausting that I hardly have any energy left. My brain is tired and thinking is slow.
I’m going to sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. Still holding on to that positive thinking. Trying to. at least .