The outside world

All posts in the The outside world category

End of a decade

Published 12/28/2019 by MoonieZ

Hey!

What to write about my decade?

Not much.

A decade of unemployment. Depression. Thoughts about suicide. Learning I have autism. My mother passed away. I moved away from the place I called home for almost 50 years. Settled in a new home in a new town. Started over in many ways. Wasted a lot of money on a fantasy when I wanted to escape the pain and sorrow in my life . Learned I have to live through it and with it. No one can run away from it. Useless to try.

Looked for happiness in the wrong place. Anxiety. Episodes of feeling really down and out. Trying to get on with life and finding the energy to cope with everything. Sadness and longing. Wanting to return to the place I used to be in.  Crying a lot. Had a few laughs also. Here and there. Wondering when I will find a job. Have a sense of meaning. Belong to something. To contribute. Make use of my talents and knowledge. Get to use all those years of education.

Love?

A decade of one step up and two steps back. Over and over.

Over and out.

April 2018

Published 04/08/2018 by MoonieZ

Hey readers, Its been a long time.

Been doing a lot of thinking. Not much news.

I have stopped bothering with people who only play me around. Say things they don’t really mean. That aren’t serious even if it sounds like it. People who tell me to never leave and then have no problem leaving me. From one day to the next. No more of that. Not for me.

I’ve been used and abused enough. Played the fool for the last time. Rather be alone forever  than trusting anyone again, or like.

Also, never again will I look for the things I miss in the place they can’t be found. Just because I found it once, but that was one lucky exception. I wish that one had not ended. I miss that person so much. However, I miss other people too, despite what I feel about some of what they said and did.

I can only change me. So if I want things to change I must change my ways.  And I have.

The money is lost but that’s not the end of the world. It would be wrong to say I didn’t enjoy any of it. What I regret is what I expected it would bring. Wrong to believe in words on a screen. It was a fantasy, an illusion, a dream I let myself dream because real life was too much pain and still is. I wanted to escape it. Only made a fool of myself and ended up in more pain.  Now I work on getting ahead, on making my present better. Try to stop looking back and stop beating myself up about things I can not change.

See you further on up the road.

Stupidity

Published 02/17/2018 by MoonieZ

I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On  the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.

Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.

Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.

Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.

I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.

Still alive

Published 01/21/2018 by MoonieZ

Yes, I know. You all thought I had passed on to the great beyond. Not yet, readers, not yet.

But, I sometimes wonder if I’m living or only just alive.

*+So the start of the year hasn’t really been that great. Sure, some good moments, laughs and happy times but also a lot of worry, struggle and depressive feelings of doom and gloom.

I’m currently just spending my days waiting for messages to arrive that will inform me of whats next concerning jobs and other matters. And I’m also totally broke. Hardly got money for food. I did this to myself because I wanted to spend time with someone. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. Now, I wonder how I could go so crazy but on the other hand I regret not the hours of great fun I’ve had. Still have but not in the same way.

Though, I wouldn’t do it again in the same way. Twice is once too many times, and three times would be downright insane. I must be more responsible. So, I have a plan for this year. A simple plan through which I aim to regain control over my life and actions.

It may be disappointing and dull for some but for me its the only option left.

2018

Published 01/04/2018 by MoonieZ

Hey readers,

the new year started.

I was going to write about the old year but I don’t really like to look back too much anymore.

However, there are some things about the old year that I should mention.

  1. My old home, the house that was built by my parents and owned by my mother until her death, was sold by me and my brothers.  So, I had to move. First I had to find out where to. After a time I did decide on a small town to the north and in February I moved. It caused a lot of stress. Anxiety. Nightmares. I honestly spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I missed my old home. I missed all that was gone.
  2.  A positive thing about moving to a small town: things aren’t so far away. I can walk to every place I need to go to. Only rarely do I need to take the bus.  And also hardly any stress. Quiet and peaceful most of the time. It has really lowered the level of stress in my life.
  3.  There was good hope of a better life during the old year. The local employment agency started me in a program to get into job training. And it all looked good for a long time but in the end nothing became of the nice plans. Starting over with other plans this year.
  4.  I made some foolish things during the old year because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I hoped it would lead to something better for me in the long run. Now I don’t know and I think I should have been a lot more sensible. All I can do is to learn from it to not repeat it again. On the other hand, while it lasted I had fun and escaped some worry, stress and anxiety. And the lonely feeling of being all alone in the world.
  5.  I got to know someone online. Someone I quickly grew to care about a lot more than I first thought. From early September to the end of the year I had such great good feelings and so much fun. And I wasn’t all alone. Still a feeling of doubt was beginning to emerge. Now I’m starting to wonder how I really feel.
  6.  Spent time with my uncle, my father’s only brother and my living link to the past on my father’s side of the family.
  7.  Continued to play a lot of games. Mostly Grand Theft Auto Online on the Xbox.
  8.  Turned 50 years old. Started to feel depressed about how little I’ve done with my life.
  9.  Learned about ways to handle my disorder during some classes I took part in.
  10.  Continue to hope to find someone to love who will love me too.

That’s all.

Learning

Published 12/11/2017 by MoonieZ

One thing I keep learning is to not get stuck thinking about things you did that can’t be changed. Its better to move on and look ahead towards what can be changed.

However, I get stuck in thinking of the past very easily. Mostly when I feel I could have done something in a different way. At times I regret doing what I did but not very often.

The past week had me thinking a lot and also feeling lost and downhearted.

Yesterday, after a walk, I more or less broke down and felt totally without any hope about anything. I cursed myself and even started thinking I don’t know how to keep on living.

After a while I started to calm down though, and then I somehow found new strength and determination. I wrote down a few things I want to change and also a few major goals for the coming year.  When I did that, I got a message from a friend and shortly after that she was online and I went to chat. Then the rest of the day and evening I was in a good mood and had a lot of laughs.

Woke up today feeling good and thinking about what I can do to get myself moving forward towards my goals and how to make the changes that will make my life better.

I’m going to hold on to the positive thoughts and turn them into actions.

And remind myself I got through a lot of difficult times already in my life. I can do it again. Even if I will stumble sometimes along the way.

Not a clue

Published 12/09/2017 by MoonieZ

I feel like I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like what I do or say doesn’t work out as it used to. Probably because I don’t understand what to do or say.

It bothers me, and makes me anxious and nervous and sad. I try my best to stay positive and work my way through  all the negative thoughts and feelings that grab hold of me. Never wanted more to understand things and people the right way so I won’t fuck up but it feels like it’s not possible for me. I feel so lost and useless and small. All I wish is to be happy for myself and for others. When I can’t be, I feel like a big fail.

All the things happening lately has made me so weak and scared. There is someone I don’t want to lose but my inability to communicate properly is making me afraid I will.

Today, or yesterday, has been so exhausting that I hardly have any energy left. My brain is tired and thinking is slow.

I’m going to sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. Still holding on to that positive thinking. Trying to. at least .

Chaos

Published 12/06/2017 by MoonieZ

[Started this 5 days ago. Edited and published today]

Is in my brain. Driving me nuts. I’m so confused by everything. Feel lost. Like all I do is futile.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else is playing a game I don’t know how to play? Aren’t words meant to mean something or is it just me who believes that they always do? Am I wrong for believing it or am I missing some piece of the puzzle? How will I know?

Yes, I have trouble to identify a joke sometimes, and take it seriously when it’s not intended to be.  I don’t always detect irony or sarcasm even if it doesn’t happen a lot that I misunderstand. So, I believe that words spoken (or written)  to me are honest and true and should be taken seriously. Maybe that is where I fail?

I’m also easily confused if the meaning of what is said to me is not clear and to the point. So often do I find it impossible to figure out a vague message that it melts my brain to even try. If I can, I ask for clarification.

Some say actions speak louder than words and I find that to hold some truth. At least when the words and actions no longer match up.

Like when you say someone or something is very important to you and then you hardly make any time for them in your life. Of course there can be times when its impossible to find the time but not all the time. Not if they really do matter.

Or when you send messages but almost never have a reply of any kind. Then you can’t help but wonder why and also start to doubt if it means anything to the other person that you try to communicate with them. At least if there is no reasonable explanation given.

I often think I ought to ask why when that happens,  but I rarely do. Somehow I think that if it really mattered the other person would reply at some point.  That’s why I think asking why they don’t will probably not change anything. Except perhaps give me a reason why not.

The feeling that you might be starting to matter less to someone is hard to deal with though. Especially when it happens without any real reason. At least no reason I can think of.

Sure, I’m not perfect myself. Far from it. I make lots of mistakes and misunderstand things. All I can do is to try to learn to communicate better.

 

Bad news

Published 12/05/2017 by MoonieZ

Yesterday I woke up early from a text message informing me that the trial work I had looked so much forward to start would not happen at all.

This news broke me down. I wanted to hide in my bed, not see a single soul again. But what I really wanted was for someone to comfort me and tell me everything will be ok.

After a few hours I got myself out bed, dressed and vented a bit on Twitter before heading out for a walk before it got dark outside.

The daylight, fresh air and exercise helped a little but I was still feeling like an eternal loser. Wondering why nothing ever seems to go my way.

When I got back home I had some food and then I went on Twitter again for a while. However I felt so unhappy I soon went back to bed to try to sleep away my sadness.

It didn’t work very well. Instead I decided to go online and see a friend and that worked. After a short time talking and laughing I started feeling much better about myself and forgot about the bad news.

After all, life goes on, and all I can do is keep moving until the end.

Living on my own

Published 11/27/2017 by MoonieZ

I had no idea it would be so hard to adjust to life after my parents passed.

When my father passed away , after a long battle with cancer, I was devastated for years. I was sure nothing would be as painful as that experience.

Little did I know.

Twenty years later, and two years ago, my mother passed away after suffering a massive stroke. This blow didn’t feel as bad at first but now I find it gets worse by the month.

As it dawns on me I’m now alone. To live the rest of my days without anyone to ask for advice, help, support, comfort or whatever. No one to turn to. Wake up and go about my days alone. Come home to a silent apartment. Cook my meals and eat alone.

Sleepless nights scared, miserable, overcome by anxiety and crying my heart out – alone.

Significant other, you might ask? None. Never had one and not likely to ever find one as it seems to be the hardest thing to do for me. Connecting with other people is the most difficult thing I know. Partly due to the autism spectrum disorder I have but didn’t know for sure until last year, and partly due to not having a clue to how. Not for lack of trying various ways over the years.

Same to be said about friends. As a kid and up through my teens I had only a few friends and none was really close. As an adult I’ve had one real friend outside of family and relatives. But that friendship didn’t last.

However, while it lasted it was a great feeling to have someone to share live with – the highs AND the lows. Burdens became less heavy to carry and the joys felt greater when shared with her. Of course it worked both ways, I was as much her support as she was mine. I learned a lot about life and human interaction and also grew as a person during those years. I even learned to have arguments and how to make up afterwards.  My confidence also developed and I started to feel more secure in my daily interactions with other people.

When it all ended, or rather slowly faded away, I was very sad. For several reasons. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find a new friend to be that close to and I knew I would find it hard to be alone again. Desperate search for a new friend ended in some sad disappointments and other failures. A limited success was good for a year or two until I realized some facts that did change my attitude to it all. Since then I’ve been afraid to get my hopes up and not looked around for friends at all. Until very recently.

During the last years of my mother’s life, my life was filled with problems I had created for myself and one I was only partly responsible for. There were a lot of arguments and hard feelings at times but still also the comfort of having someone to talk to and share things with. Although not all things. To do that I would have needed a friend and/or significant other.

Still those years were better because we could help each other and keep each other company at times even if most of the time was spent at separate ends of the house.

The topic is life after the parents passing though. And as I have already stated, it’s not  getting better. At least not for me. I’m only just now learning to live all alone and I don’t like it much. I don’t mind about doing chores and such, it’s the being all alone thing I don’t find myself at ease with.  To have time but no one to share it with. To have joys and troubles and no one around. Well, I do have someone I talk to but I’m probably not patient enough about it and I feel I have lost a lot of my confidence and have to learn to build all of that up again. It takes time and I feel like my time is running away from me.

Go out! Yes, yes, I know but there aren’t many places where people gather I feel like being at. Due to my disorder I feel uncomfortable in large crowds and I tire very fast trying to cope with all the impressions coming at me as sights, sounds and smells.

Is it hopeless? No, I don’t think so. Must try to learn how to cope with life alone.

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