Christmas is upon us

Run! Run! If you want to live!

Ok, maybe not that bad. However, Christmas is here and with it are all the past Christmases – whether good, bad or indifferent. This will be my third Christmas without any of my parents, and it feels strange. Still.

You’d think the first one would be the worst but that one was the easiest since the idea of never seeing my parents again had not fully dawned on me yet. Oh, Mom will be here next Christmas, was the subconscious thought I had.

Last Christmas was kind of worse and this one, after having moved away from everything I’ve known and loved will be worse yet. All I can do is move on though, there is no going back.

I have almost no decorations at home, and no tree. Ever since my father passed we stopped having a Christmas tree and I will continue that tradition. Also I have no room for a tree in my small apartment.

What I do have are all the memories of the way it used to be. Lots of people, good food, presents, decorations, tree and Christmas music.

But, also how stressed out and tired my parents used to be around that time. Especially my mother who had all the cooking and baking to do from early December and all the way through Christmas. She hardly had time to rest and now when I look back I feel a bit guilty for not helping out more. On the other hand, she liked to bake and to cook and I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to do it.

Dad’s job was to get the tree. Usually he got it from the woods surrounding the airbase where he worked. It was a bit of a thrill to go tree hunting with him when I was a kid. He made it out to be a bit dangerous but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t at all. Just became more fun that way.

Of course Dad did other chores too around the house for Christmas but somehow I got the feeling Mom always had a lot more to do. This can be because I was usually around my mother more than my father so I probably never noticed all the things he did.

No matter what I remember or how it actually was, it’s all history now.

I just know I liked Christmas a lot better then.

My 2013: another wasted year

Yep, boys and girls, you did read that one right.

No sense in any false optimism. This year has pretty much gone by and been a total waste of time.

I started it being unemployed and poor and in pain. I end it mostly the same. No job, no money but with a lot less pain. Only good thing about it. My stomach isn’t giving me as much pain as it did at the start of the year.

During the year I have applied for hundreds of jobs, not even getting in for an interview for any of them. Of course I’ve spent hours and even days going over what I’m doing wrong, what can be improved and I have changed things around, tried new ways to express myself in my applications. Also looked at more types of work to see if that will help. Still no results to show but I keep on working on it.

At the office I’m now down to my last weeks of my stay there. I have to find another place to be at, because those are the rules of the unemployment game that have been set by our present administration. They believe in putting all the pressure of resolving unemployment on each individual and making it a simple case of it being only a matter of trying hard enough and it will be solved. Instead I prefer to think of unemployment as problem for the whole society to solve at the level of policy rather than at the level of each individual. However, what I think is not relevant. All I can do is follow the rules and keep working on not being out of work.

For the last few months I have been involved in the new office newsletter and have contributed  a few texts about cinema related topics. It has been a really fun experience and I’m sad it will soon end. My blog project has not made a lot of progress but I have lots of unfinished texts still around for it.

The most important result from my three years the office has been that I was able to finally finish my degree at the university. It only took 12 years longer than I had planned, but it doesn’t matter now that I have it. And I didn’t work toward it during most of these 12 years. I gave it up for a long time and without the help from the staff at the office I would never have got it done. But all of that happened in the first year. The second year was kind of a downhill ride into unfocused “work” and then all the stomach pains that stopped me from a lot of things I could have been doing better.  This third year started kind of dark and negative but through the summer I managed to find a new focus and motivate myself to get back into the game again. Then the newsletter project came along and I jumped on it.

Now I have to start the new year with finding a new place to be before my time at the office is up. I have no idea what will be available but I wish to find a place where I’ll have some control over what I’ll be doing and which will be suitable for developing the knowledge and skills I have so that I can use it to find a job.

Still, to have few days “off” for Christmas and New Years is very good for me. I feel the need to relax and find some new energy in order to get back on track for the new year and all the changes happening.

A really good thing during this year is all my friends from the internet. Don’t think I would be as strong without people to talk to and care about. Also my family and relatives have been there most of the time.

Music and movies and some television have provided distraction, entertainment but also ideas and renewed motivation to keep on going.

Good food has kept me alive and sometimes made life a little easier to live.

But, still the bottom line is that this year is another year wasted for me. Another year on the sidelines waiting to get back into the game. One more year on hold while everything and everybody rush on by leaving me behind.

Poverty is now a reality. Yes, I’m poor. I survive but that’s all I do. I have a budget for every month, I stick to it. What little room for anything extra there is, I use to take my mind away from my situation at times. No, I’m not taking drugs, I don’t smoke, I never touch alcohol and I don’t gamble. But I do what I do keep myself going.

So, that’s that.

 

Coincidences

Not sure, but this evening I was riding the bus to do some grocery shopping and while on the bus I was thinking about writing a parody of The night before Christmas.  Then when I got home and checked my twitter I found out one  of my friends had posted a video of a reading of The night before Christmas. I’d say that’s pure coincidence. What else could it be?

With that very short story I leave you to it.

 

12 days to Christmas

I sometimes think I’d be better off dead.

No, don’t worry, I’m not thinking about killing myself.

Only this: sometimes I find it so difficult to live I wish I didn’t have to. That there was a switch so I could turn off life a bit. Take a break and then switch back on again.

I’m sure I am not the first one to feel this way. In fact I’m sure there are lots of people feeling this way every single day.

Now to the good news. Or perhaps the above was the good news.

12 days to Christmas. I haven’t bought one single present this year. I don’t plan to do any shopping. No reason to spend money on stuff to give away to people who already have too much stuff they don’t have time to use. I would rather give a gift of time.

Time seems to be a luxury these days. Not having enough time seems to cause a lot of stress. Also having too much time but nothing or nobody to spend it on or with seems to be a cause of stress too.

How to solve the time problem? Stop spending money on stuff and start using money to gain time or something to spend the time on. Consume less, work less. Turn the stress levels down in the world.  Spend the time gained with people you care about. Do things that matter to you and to them.

Or play video games.

I’m not the solution to the problems I see. I’m not even the solution to my own problems.

This Christmas I only wish for time to be.

Confusing? Sorry, I often manage to confuse myself.

On the other hand, I’m writing again.

Can’t have it all at once.

Last but not least – so happy to see Led Zeppelin added to Spotify.  Which means this song could have been the headline for this post.

Led Zeppelin – Dazed and Confused

(source: Spotify)

Hello December!

Last month of the year. Not much remains of 2013. What is there to say about this year of my life? Not a lot. Unless something happens during these last days. Been a year very much like the previous year. A lot of struggle and very little to show for it. Perhaps a new strategy is what I need for the new year. A new approach to the same old troubles. Just might help.

No snow on the ground yet in this part of the country. I hope it stays that way into the new year. Last winter almost killed me from all the snow I had to shovel. Not to mention the snow and cold killed a lot of the plants and trees in the garden, or at least damaged them.

I wish for a mild winter. Maybe some light snow at Christmas but only for a few days. Enough to have a white Christmas.

Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians – Air of December (from the album Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars, 1988)

Christmas is coming

Hi there everyone!
I’m finding the time to update this blog again. Tomorrow is the start of my Christmas holiday and I hope it will be a nice time.
Of course it isn’t really a holiday but I won’t be at the office every day for the coming weeks.
This has been a year of mixed blessings so far and I have had many moments of both joy and sadness. I will return to this subject later. Before the end of the year.

The weather continues to be snowy, but right now the snow is not so heavy. Lots of it on the ground though.

Wishing all my readers a happy holiday season!

New Year’s Day

Woke up in the afternoon after going to sleep late. Had a wonderful fun night in a chatroom of a friend. Not often I get to celebrate both Christmas and New Year‘s Eve with friends online.  I am very happy for the way this holiday season turned out. Only have a few minor regrets.

I forget myself sometimes and express myself a bit too freely and without thought. I guess I’m only human and can’t always keep a lid on my feelings even though I try to remember what it’s all about and that I have made up my mind about it already. Still, can’t deny there’s a part of me who will always wish it was different. Against all logic and reason. I think that’s only human too. Without hopes and dreams where would anyone be and what would the world be like? Not a place I’d want to be in, that’s for sure.

A new year means a fresh start  – or at least a chance to make a fresh start. I will try to take that chance once more. Not that I have any real specific resolution but I have made a kind of promise to myself to make the best of everything and try to always find a way to move forward instead of giving up when the road seems dark or when a goal seems out of reach.

Plans for the new year include getting a hair cut, some better style of appearance and a more active approach to job searching. I also want to put a lot of effort into my writing projects so that they may help me find a job I would really like to do.

On the more personal level I have to say that being the eternal lonely single guy is making me crazy. However, after having tried so many times in so many ways over so many years to change that fact and always seemed to fail, I’m frankly scared of even mentioning any kind of  wish to change my status but I know that deep down that is still my most sacred dream and one that I would like to make come true if I could only figure out how. I have probably used the wrong ways to do it and in a lot of wrong places and with a lot of wrong words and actions over the past 25 years but I never thought it would be such a chore, that it would be so difficult.

For a long time I thought it was only because of my social awkwardness and shyness I had such trouble but then I started to suspect I had other problems. Not being able to understand communication the right way. Not able to pick up signals. Not willing to take enough risks. Not enough confidence and courage.

Then I thought about it again and started to doubt those reasons too.  Wrong place, wrong time and wrong approach are what I think are the reasons now for my lack of progress in this area.  Too high standards and unrealistic expectations play a part. Also my total lack of experience in anything other than failure makes it hard to know what to do to succeed.

I’ve had help from some friends over the years but without much result. Still, I’ve been happy for the help and advice I’ve gotten. In all honesty I must also confess to having given up on the whole idea for long periods of time. Many times I’ve spent countless hours of thinking about it only to end up with giving it all up and letting things be even though the wish, the dream to change it has always remained in the back of my mind.

Lastly, my very romantic and unrealistic view of women as goddesses to be worshiped has most likely not helped me much either. I may have mostly abandoned this notion for the last 10 years but even after having a more realistic view of women as simply equal and regular fellow human beings, I’ve not gotten any closer to making my dream real.

Yet at the start of each new year I hope that this will be the time when I figure it all out and manage to make my dream real. Not having to spend another year alone is what I keep hoping for.

There’s one more thing I’d like to change.  My financial status. Right now, it’s poor. With hard work and some luck I wish to change that. I hope to do it during this year but I don’t know how long it will take. I only know I want to change it for the better.  To do it I have some ideas.

Today I will spend what remains of the day relaxing and keeping my mind off of all these things though.

Peace.

Christmas Day 2011

Woke up late on Christmas day after a good night’s sleep. I had the good fortune of going to bed with a smile on my face and a good feeling after a mostly not very happy Christmas eve. Last thing I did before going to sleep was to spend a little time online in a chatroom of a friend. This managed to change my mood for the better and listening to a Christmas story also helped.

After breakfast which was more like lunch I spent my Christmas day in a relaxed manner. While it was still daylight I went for a drive around the neighbourhood and got some groceries. Then I watched some movies – Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan and Step Brothers. I also started to read the book I got from my brother for Christmas.

In the afternoon I sent a text message to a friend I had not had any news from for at least 6 months. It was only a Christmas greeting and I didn’t expect any reply. However a few hours later I got a reply – a Christmas greeting. This made me smile. Then I thought about sending another message to find out how things are going but I didn’t. Not sure if I should or not. Sometimes it might be better to hold off.

Late in the evening a heavy storm swept  across the countryside. Power went out during the night and most of the following day. Trees fell across the roads, on cars and buildings.
Spent most of my Monday by the window to get enough light to read and heated some food over the fire in the fireplace downstairs. When darkness started to fall, the power came back on and I decided to update my blog.

Will probably spend my evening reading, watching movies and listening to music.

Peace.

 

Christmas dinner 2011

MoonieZ’s traditional Christmas dinner table 2011.  There was boiled ham, sausage, meatballs, pickled herring, mustard, prunes, apple sauce, herring salad, beetroot salad, stockfish, potatoes, bread and Edam cheese.

Christmas 2011

Hello.  It’s Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all my readers and followers of this blog. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

I’m not having a good day today, but I will survive.

Have had a lot of arguments with my mother and I feel somewhat depressed. Have felt depressed for a long time.

I thought I had sorted things out at one point but it seems I’ve only imagined I had. My life is not happening and I no longer know what to do. I just want to get away from myself.

Woke up today very early after sleeping badly and having a dream I thought was real. Had a lot to do to prepare for Christmas dinner with my  mother and my oldest brother and his wife.

While I was busy with this and feeling stressed and unhappy I remembered how Christmas used to be when I was growing up and when I was younger.

For many years I looked forward to Christmas. I used to really love seeing my brothers and their families and enjoyed all the food and presents and every other tradition.
Since my father’s death, however, I’ve had a growing feeling of not enjoying Christmas as much. Things changed, people have changed but still everyone seems to cling to the idea of Christmas always being the same traditional celebration as ever before. Only nobody really like it as much anymore. It’s so obvious that its more of a chore than a celebration. No matter that most of the food is no longer cooked from scratch and that we no longer give presents or even have Christmas tree indoors.

Still, I feel bad for not enjoying Christmas as much as before and for not feeling happy but only stressed and tired. Most of all I wish to spend my holiday relaxing and just enjoy some good company, talk, read, listen to music, watch some TV.

I got a book as a Christmas present from my brother the chef/drummer. A book about the leader of the band my brother used to be in during the late 1970’s.  It’s a nice , heavy book and I’m happy to have it but at the same time I feel guilty for not having anything to give in return.

My oldest brother gave me a book for Christmas too. A book about depressions and how to deal with such feelings and problems. I know he cares but still I feel like I’m only a burden to everyone and that I should just cheer up and at least pretend to be happy and without any worries.

The food was good though and I’ve had a lot of it as usual. Same story every year.

Now I hope to enjoy some Christmas peace and then go to sleep.

Don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. As little as possible is my wish.

Peace.