My birthday 2015

What’s another year…..

My birthday came and went. All the usual suspects showed up and some congratulated via Facebook. Some didn’t do anything at all. Just as every year.

I made the sandwich cake myself this year instead of buying one from the store. Just to show the world I can get things done – if I really want to.

I got a nice pair of shoes from my uncle, and a fine sweater from one of my cousins.My oldest brother brought flowers.  Not that I really need any presents at this age. Still nice that they made the effort to get me some things. The best was that they showed up.

Yesterday and today

Yesterday I was at my oldest brother for my nephew’s belated birthday  party.  It was a nice evening. Not so many people but good home-cooked hamburgers and fun conversation.

Today I’ve spent most of the day resting and relaxing. Been online for a bit to see a friend.  Spent some time reading and watching TV.  Listened to some music. Wrote some new updates for this blog.

Soon I’ll be having some dinner and then probably wash my hair and take a shower.  Maybe watch some more TV or a movie before going to sleep.

Tomorrow I’ll have to get up early.

Man in the mirror

Sorry, no pictures.

I have a feeling the headline might draw you in to read this. Don’t be alarmed if it seems random. That’s how most of my thinking works. If thinking is the right word for what goes on in my brain. Maybe sometimes.

Anyway, this update was born out of the horrific experience I had a few days ago when I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a big blob with a head attached. This blob also had arms and legs. It looked human. Sort of. It looked like a man. Maybe. It looked like me. A  lot like me.

Could this be me? I mean, I know I’m 45 years old. I know I eat a lot of things I shouldn’t be eating. I also eat a lot. But seriously, I had no idea it was this bad.

Before you start saying I can do something about it instead of crying about it on my blog, let me tell you that doing something about it isn’t the point of this text that you’re reading right now. Ok?

So, let’s move on. There I was, looking at myself looking at me and not liking what I saw. Still, I knew I was looking at the result of decades of self-loathing and lack of confidence.  Decades of trying to satisfy the need for human interaction, intimacy and love with excessive amounts of all kinds of food and beverage. Without success. The only thing gained has been weight and more loathing.

At times I managed to break the circle just to fall back into it again after a certain amount of time. Old bad habits die hard.

What I’m trying to say is that even though my appearance in the mirror is a result of eating a lot of food, the process has never been about food or eating in itself but about trying to satisfy a lack of other things in life.

Solution: satisfy the feelings by finding humans to interact with, form friendships, perhaps someday find some love and intimacy somewhere out there.  Until then, eat less and more healthy if possible.

Not rocket science but sometimes not so easy to do just because it seems simple enough.

Anyway, I’m done.  I can’t remember what else I wanted to share about this experience as I forgot to write down the thoughts flying through my brain at the time.

Nope, I’m not getting into any negativity here.  Simply being honest about things. Still have the positive in mind.

Later.

Late in the evening

Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.

Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense.  Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.

Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.

The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a  visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.

In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up.  Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.

Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.

Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.

Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.

At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.

Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.

When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.

 

Food

I like food. Everyone who knows me and have seen my full figure knows I like food. It shows. It’s very obvious.

What kind of food? The kind I should not like. The kind I should not eat a lot of. That’s the kind I like the most. Don’t get me wrong. I like lettuce too, just not on a daily basis.

I do like cheese, bread, meat, chicken, fish, vegetables and spices and combinations of them all.

Food, in my opinion, should be easy to cook and easy to eat. Also it should taste great. Be delicious. If not, I’m not eating it. Unless I’m forced to for some reason or another.

I like to cook. As long as it isn’t a too complicated dish. And as long as the recipe is short and to the point. The best cooking I know involves opening of tin and operation of microwave oven. No, not really. Seriously, the best cooking I know is the cooking done by others: like my mother or even better by my brother the chef (sorry, mom).

Sometimes I wish I could cook as good as they do but I know my limitations. I do not have the passion or motivation to spend that much time to learn and practice cooking. I wish I had but that’s not how I roll.

Same thing about baking. My mother grew up in a bakery, she is the daughter of a baker who in turn was the son of a baker. That means that what she doesn’t know about baking is not worth knowing.  I have learned what little I know about baking from her, obviously. Not that I do a lot of baking. Not that I know why I don’t.

What I know about food I learned from my mother but mostly from my brother the chef. Also I am and always have been curious about food from different parts of the world and wanted to sample various cuisines and dishes or food items that happen to come my way.  If any of my friends mention some food or recipe or anything food related that they like, I make a note of it and often try it out (if possible) to see if I like it too.

I read about food, I read recipes and I read about restaurants. Often look up restaurants online to look at the menu and find out what dishes I would like to try.  I also like photographs of cooking, dishes and food items.

When I go grocery shopping I almost always look for new items to try or at least I make a list in my mind of things I’d like to try later.

Having worked in grocery stores for many years, I have to admit to having a bit of an interest in how food is presented in stores and how the stores look and feel to the consumer. Also I am interested in how food is produced.  It all boils down to the passion for eating good food though. That’s where it all begins. For me, at least.

Not what I had in mind

This isn’t what I had in mind to write today, but the update I’m writing about spices and spicy food will have to wait. I’m not happy with how it turned out. Somehow I can’t seem to tell the story of that topic in a simple straight forward way. At least not today.

I know what I want to tell but I can’t get the words right. Will have to work on it some more and just let it sit for the moment. Maybe I’ll finish it after some editing or I might start over and write something else. Time will tell.

I’m feeling better again. Last week was, as I posted earlier, not anywhere near my best week ever, but every week can’t be great. Neither can every day.

When I got up this morning, I thought today was going to be another day filled with pain but luckily it wasn’t so bad.

Started with pain but it wasn’t as bad as yesterday and it went away after a few hours. Then it returned in the afternoon but not too bad then too.

After I got home, rested and had dinner I could actually get some work done around the house without being bothered by too much pain. Now I don’t feel any pain at all and I hope it remains that way until I go to sleep, which will be soon. I feel rather tired even though I slept well during last night. Suffering from pain is mentally exhausting though.

Christmas dinner 2011

MoonieZ’s traditional Christmas dinner table 2011.  There was boiled ham, sausage, meatballs, pickled herring, mustard, prunes, apple sauce, herring salad, beetroot salad, stockfish, potatoes, bread and Edam cheese.

Christmas 2011

Hello.  It’s Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all my readers and followers of this blog. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

I’m not having a good day today, but I will survive.

Have had a lot of arguments with my mother and I feel somewhat depressed. Have felt depressed for a long time.

I thought I had sorted things out at one point but it seems I’ve only imagined I had. My life is not happening and I no longer know what to do. I just want to get away from myself.

Woke up today very early after sleeping badly and having a dream I thought was real. Had a lot to do to prepare for Christmas dinner with my  mother and my oldest brother and his wife.

While I was busy with this and feeling stressed and unhappy I remembered how Christmas used to be when I was growing up and when I was younger.

For many years I looked forward to Christmas. I used to really love seeing my brothers and their families and enjoyed all the food and presents and every other tradition.
Since my father’s death, however, I’ve had a growing feeling of not enjoying Christmas as much. Things changed, people have changed but still everyone seems to cling to the idea of Christmas always being the same traditional celebration as ever before. Only nobody really like it as much anymore. It’s so obvious that its more of a chore than a celebration. No matter that most of the food is no longer cooked from scratch and that we no longer give presents or even have Christmas tree indoors.

Still, I feel bad for not enjoying Christmas as much as before and for not feeling happy but only stressed and tired. Most of all I wish to spend my holiday relaxing and just enjoy some good company, talk, read, listen to music, watch some TV.

I got a book as a Christmas present from my brother the chef/drummer. A book about the leader of the band my brother used to be in during the late 1970’s.  It’s a nice , heavy book and I’m happy to have it but at the same time I feel guilty for not having anything to give in return.

My oldest brother gave me a book for Christmas too. A book about depressions and how to deal with such feelings and problems. I know he cares but still I feel like I’m only a burden to everyone and that I should just cheer up and at least pretend to be happy and without any worries.

The food was good though and I’ve had a lot of it as usual. Same story every year.

Now I hope to enjoy some Christmas peace and then go to sleep.

Don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. As little as possible is my wish.

Peace.

 

Looking for the next best thing…

Hey, it’s Monday.

Again.

I’m spending my lunch writing this post. Thoughts have been on my mind all night and morning. I didn’t manage to sleep much.  There’s someone I miss a lot and wish to see again.

I’m also thinking about what to do now that I have finished one long overdue project and have all the time in the world to start something new. I don’t know what I would want to do. Always this same problem occurs. No matter what I never seem to know what to do or what I’m doing at all. It drives me crazy.

Not knowing what I’m doing is always the reason I doubt I’m doing anything at all even when I’m doing all I can. There should be a manual to consult to find out what’s the best thing to do in any given situation. That would help a lot. Seems there is no manual when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve heard there is supposed to be some kind of rules but I’ve never seen them anywhere and never learned them. Never known what I should learn but always wished I could read those rules and apply them to avoid the agony of never knowing what I’m doing and avoid feeling like a fool for not knowing what I’m doing and still doing it the only way I know how – by following my instinct. So far I’m not sure I’ve reached much of a result but I keep on going because that’s all I know to do.

The weather is foggy, cloudy and gloomy. Not as cold as last year but I’m glad as long as it isn’t. Even if the darkness is depressing.

I try to focus on the present and the future and I try to keep going even though I sometimes just want to hide away and do nothing. Escape the world. Is escape possible?

Must do something about my eating as well. Been gaining weight and had trouble sleeping from eating too much. Food is a way to handle the stress but not a good way. Better to face the fears and try to solve the problems. But what do I do about the impossible dreams?

I had a good thing going but it seems I’ve let it slip away or perhaps I blew it by not knowing what I’m doing. Not sure which. Or maybe I’ve not done enough or not the right things or any combination of the two. All I know is that I know nothing.

Confused. Scared.

 

Dinner