Hey, it’s Monday.
I’m spending my lunch writing this post. Thoughts have been on my mind all night and morning. I didn’t manage to sleep much. There’s someone I miss a lot and wish to see again.
I’m also thinking about what to do now that I have finished one long overdue project and have all the time in the world to start something new. I don’t know what I would want to do. Always this same problem occurs. No matter what I never seem to know what to do or what I’m doing at all. It drives me crazy.
Not knowing what I’m doing is always the reason I doubt I’m doing anything at all even when I’m doing all I can. There should be a manual to consult to find out what’s the best thing to do in any given situation. That would help a lot. Seems there is no manual when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve heard there is supposed to be some kind of rules but I’ve never seen them anywhere and never learned them. Never known what I should learn but always wished I could read those rules and apply them to avoid the agony of never knowing what I’m doing and avoid feeling like a fool for not knowing what I’m doing and still doing it the only way I know how – by following my instinct. So far I’m not sure I’ve reached much of a result but I keep on going because that’s all I know to do.
The weather is foggy, cloudy and gloomy. Not as cold as last year but I’m glad as long as it isn’t. Even if the darkness is depressing.
I try to focus on the present and the future and I try to keep going even though I sometimes just want to hide away and do nothing. Escape the world. Is escape possible?
Must do something about my eating as well. Been gaining weight and had trouble sleeping from eating too much. Food is a way to handle the stress but not a good way. Better to face the fears and try to solve the problems. But what do I do about the impossible dreams?
I had a good thing going but it seems I’ve let it slip away or perhaps I blew it by not knowing what I’m doing. Not sure which. Or maybe I’ve not done enough or not the right things or any combination of the two. All I know is that I know nothing.