Midsummer eve, a day of celebration only second to Christmas in Sweden. I’m not going to explain it. If you need to know more, search the internet.
The Boss – Bruce Springsteen – is in Gothenburg with his band for shows. Kind of a midsummer tradition in a way. And the weather is kind of great even if it rained during the night and this morning.
I’m celebrating kind of low-key this year. Not that I mind. I’m used to being by myself. Not good in large groups, takes too much energy away from me to try to handle all the information when I can’t sort it out.
The news this morning of the British having voted to leave the European Union was a shock to me. And I believe a much greater shock for the 48,1% of the British people who voted to stay in the EU.
It took away much of my wish to celebrate Midsummer but I wouldn’t have been celebrating much anyway.
Talked to my brothers on the phone and then my aunt. All seemed to be fine and having a good day. Was good to know.
I struggle with getting things done that I know I have to do but don’t have any motivation for doing. After so many years it gets harder to find any ways to freshen it up and keep me motivated. Of course I know I’ll get it done anyway but it feels so much of a burden lately. No way out of it though.
Still, my life is kind of getting better lately. Not any major change but small steps adding up. No luck in finding a job, no luck in finding a suitable place to live and no luck in finding that love that keeps eluding me. Might be because I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places or perhaps I don’t know how to look for any of it. No idea.
But I enjoy life the way I know how. Have started watching Orange Is The New Black again and still find it fun and interesting to see where all the characters will end up.
Same goes for Game of Thrones. Those are the only shows I watch now. Sometimes I watch some movies but not as much as earlier this year. I find that there aren’t a lot of really good movies around anymore. Or perhaps I’ve grown out of the genre movies. I keep returning to the “old” movies I already know because they are still good.
My internet friends also keep me smiling. Without them, I’d be lost.
Have you ever been in a situation where you have done something and immediately started to regret what you just did?
Happened to me earlier this week. I made a choice to do something I started to regret the same moment I did it. It was simply something I could have been better off avoiding. My only reason to do it was that I was kind of excited and I felt like getting off, fast and simple. Instead I almost didn’t enjoy the moment due to thinking about why I did it, when I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted and not what I had planned. My regrets made me feel almost sick. The rest of the week I have been thinking a lot about why I suddenly slipped and gave in to an urge I’m usually able to control. Why this sudden weakness now, after years of control? Perhaps the simple reason is I was feeling so lonely that a few minutes of this thing was something that seemed like it could help me forget my lonely feeling. Or perhaps it was just stupid. I had the means and I did it. I shouldn’t have but I did it anyway. Bad decision.
The last few days I have been binge-watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. I started to watch the first episode a while ago but never got the idea at that time. This time around I found myself hooked almost from the first minute.
Perhaps I can relate to the setting of a prison because my current place of “work” feels a lot like a prison, except I don’t know when I’ll be set free. And of course I’m not locked up in there at night. However some character in the series thinks prison is like highschool in some ways and I can relate to that too. All of the drama and the gangs and the ones who are “in” or “out”, the winners and the losers. All there. The feeling of not being in control of your own destiny.
Anyway, I like the show. Some of the characters are written in a really great way while others aren’t. The main character I don’t like much as a person but she’s pretty to look at. I find myself liking some of the ones who aren’t featured in the foreground. I also like that the reasons for the characters being in prison are revealed a piece at a time. Makes me think about how many ways there are to trip yourself up during a lifetime.