What? To write.
I do it when I feel happy, and when I’m sad or angry. Or when I worry and my anxiety stops me from being productive, while my thoughts and feelings chase each other throughout my mind and being. The only way to bring some order back to that chaos is by writing about it. Like right now.
For a while my mind is focused on the writing and not on the chaos. It brings me peace.
About an hour ago, I had a peach cider to drink.
Not sure what that has to do with anything but there it is.
Why worry. Things are starting to work out. Old problems are being solved one after the other. Life is progressing. Even if I find it hard to see that my life is moving at all, I guess it is. Time is certainly flying. I have no idea where the weeks disappear to but they certainly go there in a hurry. I can’t keep up. So, why worry?
I don’t like that I can’t communicate the things I really want to express. Many times I make no sense, or I just make silly jokes or avoid the subject. While I have a lot of things on my mind that I don’t know how to throw out there without wanting to hide instead.
Probably this worrying is due to the disorder making it hard for me to read people. I simply don’t understand them very well. From time to time I think I do but then I start to worry that I don’t. Very annoying. I try to deal with it the best way I can.
Also, I do have trouble to speak my mind when I really care about who I speak to. It makes me uneasy without me knowing why.
Other times, I worry about speaking too much about everything and use too many words while I speak. Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up.
So I worry. A lot. At times.I try to keep it at bay. Not always lucky though. Like today.
On the other hand I know why I worry right now. Been a week of much stress and things happening that make me have to change my normal plans, which always makes me a bit anxious.
There is also the matter of worrying about being seen as a joker even when not joking. I’m always afraid of that. Yet I can’t seem to avoid setting myself up for it. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much about everything but I can’t really help it. The world is a confusing place that I always struggle to make sense of.
How much sense this makes is another thing to worry about. That’s why I end this with some music by Talking Heads:
Talking Heads – Road To Nowhere