But I’m back to tell the world I’m alive. Also that the text I have been struggling with for months is now very,very nearly all done. I have only to add a few details and then this nightmare will be over. Then I hope the text will be approved by the teacher at the university so that I can collect my degree. At last. Only 10 years overdue. It certainly feel good to be able to look for work with a degree from the university. Might open some other roads to travel along. So this was the first good news of the day.
The second good news is that the car is repaired and will be ready to use in just a few weeks. I do look forward to drive again. Will make life easier around here.
So today has been a pretty good day so far. My only hope is that things continue to be good. It would be nice to have some days of good news now.
Even though the clouds have gathered and the rain has started to fall I feel pretty good. I have things to be happy about. Not just the good news of today. So it means my blog posts will not be very good but I don’t care. I prefer to be happy if there is a choice to be made. The best would be to have both. Don’t know what the odds are for that happening.
Yes, I slept four hours or so. Woke up. Then it hit me. And writing was the only option. Well the only sane option. Not that I didn’t feel the tears burning my eyes or the choke of my throat trying to swallow a sob but yes writing is the only sane option in a world of insanity.
So I wrote about my feelings at the moment. In the moment. Managed to make it a text. Bypassing the perfectionist usually lodged in my brain trying to get me to stop or take another route or change a word, delete a sentence. Scrap the whole post and start over. Not so this time. Not so.
I write to keep myself alive when all I want to do is die. No, all I want to do is feel dead inside so I don’t have to feel anything anymore. Not having any luck with that though so all I’ve got left is writing. At times of trouble the writing steps in and saves the day. Not really. It saves my sanity, it keeps me thinking and lets me deal with my feelings like they are not mine at the same time as they are. If you don’t know what I’m saying. Why would you?
Anyway, this is supposed to be about my week.
I’ve been having a real struggle writing the text at the office. The one text to rule them all, it seems. It has not let itself be written for months. But this Thursday I finally got somewhere with it. Friday I started to see how it would all fit together. So tomorrow – Monday – I hope to be able to finish it. This would mean a lot. It would be the final step towards finishing my studies. Of getting a degree. Be able to look for other types of work. Maybe open the door to a better tomorrow. A future with more than nothing to look forward to. That would make it all worthwhile.
Most days the weather was ok. Some rain here and there and on Friday and Saturday a lot of rain. I had a pain in my stomach all week and almost couldn’t do anything. It didn’t help my mood and it didn’t help my writing.
At home I slept a lot.Had nothing better to do. Or actually I had some chores and I had some other things but I didn’t feel like doing anything.
All I did was miss someone. Not true but my mind was sometimes drifting away daydreaming of someone. Not as often as before but often enough. Dreams.
What else? I watched movies. Some of those I have written some reviews of but there are still more to be written. Will do that next.
I feel my feelings starting to relax again. I guess I worked through them again without hiding from them. So I guess I don’t really want to feel dead after all.
Today I don’t know what I’ll be doing, got no plans. Perhaps watch another movie. Only know one thing for sure. I will be alive. Anything can happen.
How do you like the title of this post ? Is it good ? Does it draw attention to itself ? Does it make you interested in reading the blog post ? No ? I thought you’d say that. I know, that’s what you pay me for. What ?! I’m not paying you for anything – you do not exist ! Don’t make me laugh ! Of course I exist. You invented me. Or should I say created me. I did not ! You most certainly did ! Can you prove that ? Can you prove you didn’t ? OK – you’re right let’s not discuss this any further. No problem, pal. I’m not your pal. OK – fair enough. So let’s get on with today’s post shall we ? Sure, you’re the boss ! Thanks. I’m glad you remember that. How can I forget ? Don’t start… OK – I’m sorry.
Today I’m going to write about something different and as soon as I figure out what that will be I’ll continue writing. While you wait you are welcome to check out my excellent ability to change the subject and just keep typing random words until I run out of space. How I developed this ability is something of a mystery since I’m not a very creative writer. The ideas I have are often pretty boring and very normal. Nothing wild ever gets typed when I’m around that’s for sure.
My day today has only been bad news so far. First, the weather is bad – rain and wind. Second, I didn’t get the job I was interviewed for about a week ago. So back to square one. Nothing is going the way I wish or hope or want. No matter what – there’s always something going wrong. Nothing is easy anymore. Life is boring. Only a few moments of joy here and there keep me from painting it all black. Only a few friends make it all worthwhile. However – I’m not giving up. Onwards! The future is waiting …
First there was snow… then there was sun … and now there’s rain. Really boring Sunday weather. Been out for a quick visit to the grocery store after I woke up at around 10 or 11. I think I got three or four hours of sleep but I feel good. Not sleepy, not tired. Spent all night writing and later visited a chatroom to hang out and have fun.
Nifty title for a blog post…. Nah. Guess imagination is not exactly flowing at this point. The real problem is that I’m typing this when it’s already Friday. Which means I’m ahead of myself or I dunno maybe I’m just tired after sleeping too little and being awake all day having to go to rather pointless gatherings at government agency offices just to keep an income in the early morning or … something I guess. So anyway my Thursday has been a long day and not ended yet even if it’s past midnight and my internet is giving up for the xxth time today. Dunno what’s wrong with it. Very annoying. Oh and the weather has been dull and rainy and cloudy and made for staying out of. Almost empty fuel tank in the car and not enough money to buy some to fill it up until next week. Oh and got a letter telling me to get into town next week for a job training program that will teach me to work in logistics and warehouses – if I’m lucky enough to pass the first weeks testing of my ability. Well might be better to have someplace to go and having to have a really normal schedule but still I never like to have short notice. I need time to adjust to new things. However if there’s a chance to get a job at the other end it might be worth a try. At least I’m going to give it a try. That’s for sure. What else is new – not a lot. Had a very nice Wednesday in case I forgot to mention it. Enjoyed myself a lot. Had been even better if didn’t have to go sleep in order to get up in the morning. Well not much left to add to this post so I’ll let it go.
I know Monday was yesterday but I haven’t posted anything new here for a long time now so I’m going to make an effort. Actually my Monday was rather nice. There was good company and I got things done that I should have done a long time ago. One could say I found some energy and motivation from having a nice time. Anyway the weather was good most of the day but during the night it rained again. Today the weather has been mostly cloudy, not too warm and a sudden rain. Tomorrow looks like more of the same. I’ve seen my longtime friend and it was nice to chat a bit. Everybody else seems to be busy elsewhere but that’s ok. Tomorrow I’ll be elsewhere too for a while. Tonight will be an early night because I need to get up early. I’ve seen ads for some jobs , and I’m writing the applications for them to have them ready to mail tomorrow morning. So it’s just another day in the life of MoonieZ. Next time I hope to be able to post something a bit more interesting for you all to read.