[First draft written August 15, 2010. Published March 9, 2011]
Not sure there is such a word in the English language but there ought to be because that’s where I belong. Definition of creep in the dictionary: “Slang. a boring, disturbingly eccentric, painfully introverted, or obnoxious person” (dictionary.com). At least if I may say so myself. The reason behind this outburst of self-flagellation is not to achieve some kind of erotic sensation (or perhaps it is) but to admit to my guilt so that I may be forgiven. [ Note to self : for being an atheist you express yourself in a most religious way. I know. I blame the line of priests among my maternal ancestors for this. Here we go again – blame ? Ok there’s no way around it I guess.]
Anyway – the point is I get carried away so easily if and when I like somebody or something. My instincts take over and I let myself go on and on until I’ve ruined whatever it was that got me started in the first place. This I thought was a problem of the past due to recent events in my life but these last months it has returned in force. So last night I was forced to apologize for my lack of self-control and my grumpy behaviour. Needless to say I now woke up today feeling very ashamed of myself and very aware that I have to change for good. The problem is how to make it a permanent change.
If you have followed my blog for a while nothing of this is new. I have been writing about my shortcomings from day one – almost. Why do I return to the subject again and again. Well, maybe I do find some kind of satisfaction in it ? Perhaps I am a closet masochist ? I doubt it but the idea is worth exploring further.
There are solutions and I am working on making the changes I have to make.
One last note in connection with being carried away is the shifting views upon the phenomenon known as fandom. Definition of a fan in the dictionary: “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc.” (dictionary.com). To be a fan can be a positive thing and/or a negative one. A fan can get too carried away, too devoted to the object of the fandom and become obsessed with the thing or the person. Fans can develop into stalkers if they let themselves get too enthusiastic. I am a fan of many things, pastimes and people. I have to admit to having been too devoted to some of them. For a long time I was obsessed with movie collecting and managed to ruin myself because of my fanatic urge to build the perfect collection. During a period in my teenage years I became somewhat obsessed ( “continually preoccupied with a particular activity, person, or thing”) with some celebrities in the music and movie industry but it never went as far as any kind of stalking (” engaging in a course of conduct directed at a person that serves no legitimate purpose and seriously alarms, annoys, or intimidates that person”) . Later I’ve admired and still admire some authors, artists, singers, songwriters, directors, actresses, actors, bands and other celebrities, but again never gone as far in my devotion as my obsession for movie collecting went, not even close. I consider fandom to be a harmless and positive thing unless it goes too far and becomes obsessive and turns into stalking. I’m not a fan of letting anything go too far or to even hint at going too far.
So what’s the point. Probably only what the Romans managed to express so eloquently: Errare humanum est.