I’ll be moving in the coming months. Not yet sure to where or exactly when but it will happen. First time in 43 years I move to a new home so I’m a bit rusty on the whole thing. Not sure how I feel about it all or how it will be to forever leave the house built by my parents, but I guess I will know for sure when the day arrives.
Until then I have a lot to do to get where I’m going. I just hope I will have the energy I need to get it all done.
So, I might not be able to update this blog a lot in the coming weeks but I’ll be back, just like the Terminator.
I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.
Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.
I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.
So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.
The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.
I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.
First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.
Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.
Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.
In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.
Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.
Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.
Well, that’s all folks!
My summer 2016:
First half: great.
Second half: not so great.
to see the future. No.
Regrets? None. Not anything I done but things I haven’t done or didn’t do. What else is there to regret?
I did what I did and I’m happy with my choices. Most of them. Some I could have done better, but regret? No.
It comes and it goes the feeling of meaning or the lack of it. Yet the sun rises and then sets and one day gives way for the next and most beings don’t even reflect about the inevitable end we all race towards. 30 years ago I didn’t care much about the end. It seemed it was so far away it didn’t even count. Now – I don’t want to look forward. I feel like my time is running faster than I can live it. When I look back, I wonder where it all went. What did I do with all this time, all these years of days followed by days.
Next year I’ll be 50. With very little to show for it. Not for lack of trying but for lack of understanding how the world works. For many years also a lack of understanding of how I work.
And now it feels like too late to keep on trying. Go on living is all there is.
The question most frequently asked by my readers. No, I’m kidding. I have no idea what my readers would ask me. Sometimes I think I would like to know but then I don’t. The thing is I never wrote this for any readers…Well, not entirely true. There were a few people I hoped would read this back when I started. I hoped they would read and be impressed by my genius. And by my writing skills. Maybe they were impressed, maybe not. They never really told me except for a few very good and valid comments.
Where this is going? As usual, I have no idea. It all started with a headline. Then I keep writing for as long as I like and that’s what the post will be.
My focus groups all agree with this strategy. If I had any or a strategy. The point is that this is pointless but still has a point. Something to waste time with.
Now that I’ve got your attention I will proceed with some interesting facts about my mental state of mind. As if.
Ok, so this is a pointless row of words. My world, why a word has to have a point. Can it not just be a word finding its place in the great sentence of things and still have value?
The truth is out there. The truth is not out there, the truth is inside our minds. Where else would it reside? The out there can’t keep it alive or make any sense of anything. That’s what thoughts are for. Not saying that thoughts can’t go astray, because they can and they do. Like right now. Who can tell if a thought is true or false? What about thoughts about the out there then? Good question, next question.
Yeah, I’m back.
Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.
I know you think I ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.
And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.
Have I then lost the right to write about the struggle my life is? No.
I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.
Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.
This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!
So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.
Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.
Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.
No, I’m not happy with life. It could be worse, of course. It can always be worse, but the worst is that it could always be a hell of a lot better. But it never is. All I got is not so bad but not really good. I’m sick of it. Almost 50 years already gone, and what to show for it? Nothing. Almost nothing but that’s a thin almost. Sure I’ve had some moments where I thought life was actually good. Those happy times. I remember them vividly because there has been so few of them. The bad moments have been plenty, and those I also remember. Then there is life. Not that it makes me smile a lot. I get by.
Lately, I find myself not in the best of moods. I sleep a lot or not at all. I don’t get out much. There are things to do, I just don’t feel like doing any of it. Most of the time I’m thinking about how it is that I never get to where I would like to be no matter what I do or say. Or not. I have decided I have no clue how anything works. No matter how I try to figure it out, I end up in the same place.
So I do what I’m not supposed to do – I give up on it all. No more trying. Someone else can try now and let me rest and relax. Let my brain get some vacation.