I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.
Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.
Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.
Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.
I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.
One thing I keep learning is to not get stuck thinking about things you did that can’t be changed. Its better to move on and look ahead towards what can be changed.
However, I get stuck in thinking of the past very easily. Mostly when I feel I could have done something in a different way. At times I regret doing what I did but not very often.
The past week had me thinking a lot and also feeling lost and downhearted.
Yesterday, after a walk, I more or less broke down and felt totally without any hope about anything. I cursed myself and even started thinking I don’t know how to keep on living.
After a while I started to calm down though, and then I somehow found new strength and determination. I wrote down a few things I want to change and also a few major goals for the coming year. When I did that, I got a message from a friend and shortly after that she was online and I went to chat. Then the rest of the day and evening I was in a good mood and had a lot of laughs.
Woke up today feeling good and thinking about what I can do to get myself moving forward towards my goals and how to make the changes that will make my life better.
I’m going to hold on to the positive thoughts and turn them into actions.
And remind myself I got through a lot of difficult times already in my life. I can do it again. Even if I will stumble sometimes along the way.
Every day, I seem to return to the past, to the time that has been. The time that will never return, no matter how long I think about it.
Why do I do this?
Is it because the present and the future seems scary or less promising than the happy days of old times long gone? Probably.
Yet, I know that getting stuck in trying to stay in the past is a sure way to destruction. The logical, sensible part of my mind tells me this but I decide to ignore it, time and time again. Instead, I listen to the call of the memories and follow them back to the times when life was so much better than it will ever be again. Or so I keep telling myself while I walk down memory lane and look into the same old windows, at the same old comfy scenes of happiness, peace, security and love.
Sure, this is a very powerful torture of the soul at the same time as it brings some escape from the worries of the present and the uncertainty of what will be tomorrow or next week or next year.
Almost anything can trigger my escape to the past: some scent, a sound, an image, a film, a melody, some lyrics, voices, a comic strip, a taste….the list is endless. Maybe it all has to do with me having too much time to think?
If I kept myself more busy doing stuff, I wouldn’t have time to long for the past. Not that I don’t try to keep busy, thoughts of the past invade my mind at any time anyway. There’s no escape from escapism. Or so it seems.