I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.
Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.
Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.
Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.
I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.
One thing I keep learning is to not get stuck thinking about things you did that can’t be changed. Its better to move on and look ahead towards what can be changed.
However, I get stuck in thinking of the past very easily. Mostly when I feel I could have done something in a different way. At times I regret doing what I did but not very often.
The past week had me thinking a lot and also feeling lost and downhearted.
Yesterday, after a walk, I more or less broke down and felt totally without any hope about anything. I cursed myself and even started thinking I don’t know how to keep on living.
After a while I started to calm down though, and then I somehow found new strength and determination. I wrote down a few things I want to change and also a few major goals for the coming year. When I did that, I got a message from a friend and shortly after that she was online and I went to chat. Then the rest of the day and evening I was in a good mood and had a lot of laughs.
Woke up today feeling good and thinking about what I can do to get myself moving forward towards my goals and how to make the changes that will make my life better.
I’m going to hold on to the positive thoughts and turn them into actions.
And remind myself I got through a lot of difficult times already in my life. I can do it again. Even if I will stumble sometimes along the way.
Every day, I seem to return to the past, to the time that has been. The time that will never return, no matter how long I think about it.
Why do I do this?
Is it because the present and the future seems scary or less promising than the happy days of old times long gone? Probably.
Yet, I know that getting stuck in trying to stay in the past is a sure way to destruction. The logical, sensible part of my mind tells me this but I decide to ignore it, time and time again. Instead, I listen to the call of the memories and follow them back to the times when life was so much better than it will ever be again. Or so I keep telling myself while I walk down memory lane and look into the same old windows, at the same old comfy scenes of happiness, peace, security and love.
Sure, this is a very powerful torture of the soul at the same time as it brings some escape from the worries of the present and the uncertainty of what will be tomorrow or next week or next year.
Almost anything can trigger my escape to the past: some scent, a sound, an image, a film, a melody, some lyrics, voices, a comic strip, a taste….the list is endless. Maybe it all has to do with me having too much time to think?
If I kept myself more busy doing stuff, I wouldn’t have time to long for the past. Not that I don’t try to keep busy, thoughts of the past invade my mind at any time anyway. There’s no escape from escapism. Or so it seems.
Done some more thinking and decided it’s better to look at the future and live in the present than keep looking back and wish things would have been different.
At the place I am now, I’m actually rather happy with most things. My life is not the best but some parts of it are good. So I will keep my focus on the here and now and continue the struggle to move forward.
It’s a very cold day, or at least the morning was. At the office I have so far managed to get some things done and somehow feel a new surge of energy where recently there was none to be found.
I know who to thank for this. There’s one person who makes me find the will to go on even when I don’t know why I should. It’s not easy to explain how it happens but it does. That’s good enough for me.
Looking forward to the weekend and hope this freezing cold weather will go away eventually.
Should have updated ages ago. After this weekend’s outburst of posting I’ve been kind of exhausted from writing and thinking. Not to mention feeling. I feel better now. Have cleared most of the issues bothering me lately. Decided that there is very little I can do about anything so I will let it all be and get on with my life.
However, as I’ve written elsewhere it’s easy to start longing for the old days when the here and now looks like nothing and the future like even more of the same. Still it’s the wrong thing to do. The same goes for thinking other people will change because of how I feel. Only one person I can change and that’s me. I’m starting right now.
Seriously. This week and a lot of time I’ve spent thinking about the past, the present and the future. And I haven’t been trying to learn the grammar of some foreign language I’ve simply been thinking about my life. About my future the most. My Thursday post informed you all about the changes coming. Next week I’m about to start something new. I’m going to learn a trade sort of. At least the basics of working with warehouse storage and logistics. All paid for by the government… well in the end it’s all paid for by the tax payers (myself included) so I really have to make an effort to learn and be as good as possible. That won’t be a problem I am not afraid of working or of learning something new. Only thing I’m afraid of is starting something new without knowing if I will be good enough. See I always underestimate myself. That’s always been my problem. Well not always. As a happy five year old I had no fear. I climbed mountains, I learned to ride a bicycle and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. Then I started school and along the way my courage became replaced by more and more fear. Replaced by the feeling of not being good enough… and Oh stop it ! Nobody wants to hear that same old record again. Change it ! Yes I think I’d better. Well at least this year I did do something good and brave. I learned how to drive. Not even that accident before I finished learning made me stop before I reached my goal and now I am feeling free as a bird every time I get in the car and drive off on my own. Never even dreamed it would feel that good. Never even dreamed I’d like it as much as I do. So I still know how to reach my goals and learn new stuff and risk failure to get where I want to go. So I should hold on to that and use the energy and drive to really get my life going, get back on the tracks because I’m not getting any younger and I haven’t got all the time in the world anymore. Never had – just thought I did. Well I’m starting to feel better about myself now. Even happy to be here alive and well on a cold and foggy October night. Actually it’s Saturday now, after midnight again and I should probably not be sitting here typing away my time when there is other fun to be had elsewhere. At least I won’t spend anymore time whining and feeling sorry for myself. I do that enough to last two lifetimes anyway. So I’m going to leave you now dear readers and promise I’ll be back with good news later on. No more of the depressing pathetic self-indulgence I usually produce when I try to be serious in my posts. Sure it’s been a long time since I wrote something about my romantic nature also but followers of this blog know that there isn’t much to report in that department. Sad but true. Better go now or I never know where this will go.