Sunday morning

Published 07/10/2011 by MoonieZ

Nothing special. Just another day.

Sometimes I start to think why I still bother with some things. Like the writing I have been struggling with for months now and still haven’t reached the end of. Why do I bother? Well I have this hope that it might be way to something better if I can only get it done. So I keep on working on it to reach my goal and find out if it indeed will be the first step to a better tomorrow.

There are other things I do even though my inner voice sometimes tell me it is useless to go on, that it is already too late and that I would be better off if I simply let it be. However, I can’t stop, not yet. I’m not ready to give it up. Not ready to face the pain of another failure. So I hold on to hope. That one more day will be what it takes to turn the ship around and maybe reach the destination. Even though the facts are against me. What else is there? Not much.

Woke up early this morning. Have slept rather long for a change. Feel kind of alone in the world and have time to think things over one more time. Not that it helps much.

When I look at the future I see more of the same problems I already have. I see no end to things I want to change for the better but seem unable to even start.

I’ve had a dream for a while. Once I even believed it could be something more than a dream but lately it has faded and now I have abandoned it. Not without resistance but still I had to let it go. It wasn’t for me. It has never been for me to have a dream come true. I guess I’m not the kind who has that kind of luck or ability or whatever it takes to get there.

I can accept that. I have to accept it since the reality of matters are what they are. But I can’t deny that it hurts to do so. On the other hand – pain is nothing new to me. I’ve had enough of it in my life and still I’m getting more of it. Did I bring it on myself? I must have. Some of it I probably did.

But I guess some are made to suffer and others are made to be happy. It’s the way of the world, the law of the land, nothing to do about it.

Anyway, I will continue to do what I can to be good to others and maybe one day I’ll be happy too.

I know I should just laugh it all off and keep a my sense of humor. Have a positive attitude and all that but show me somebody who can keep smiling through every kind of challenge or in the face of the most severe adversity and I will tell you they are faking it. I don’t want to fake anything or hide myself so I will tell the world that I can’t smile and be happy about things that hurt . Sure, I’ve heard I can choose how to feel about everything but even though I try not to feel sad about certain things I still do. I guess it’s because I care about it enough to feel anything at all.

This Sunday will probably be like the others. Then a new week at the office awaits. I am glad to be there working away at things I can have some control over myself and perhaps that will help me forget some things for a while.

When I started there I had a lot of hope that I would be getting out of my unemployment fast. It seemed the projects I would involve myself in had the potential to lead me to a job, and even to a job I would really like. Not without hard work but anyway that’s what I hoped. Now I’m twenty weeks in and it seems things aren’t moving as I thought they would but it’s all up to me to change that. Just find it hard to find the energy to go on sometimes. When there’s not enough light at the other end of the tunnel I get this feeling it’s better to give up and not do anything. Usually I snap out of that pretty fast but not lately. That feeling of uselessness clings to me even when I try to shake it off.  I’ve been applying for a lot of jobs and they say the market for employment is growing again but so far I’ve had no luck at all. I keep trying because it’s all I can do but I often ask myself what’s the use?

My old internet friend has not replied to my last email and it seems she won’t. I guess that it means we’re going our separate ways at last. Will still be friends but I guess not active friends anymore. Another loss that hurts a bit even though I’ve seen it coming or sensed it would happen due to her situation and mine as well.  Still to not have the close friendship that once was is hard to accept.

There are other things happening recently I don’t understand too but I’ve finished talking about them because nothing will change if I go on whining anyway.

When I read this post back I see it is kind of depressive and sad all over but since that’s how my life looks at the moment I can’t really write it any other way and still be true to myself.

Even though things aren’t good right now I haven’t given up all hope yet. I still have my will to be a good friend and to do what I can to make things better for others and for me.

After all, tomorrow is another day, and all I can do is go on living no matter how it feels.

But I understand why the clown is crying behind the smiling mask.

Peace.

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