All posts tagged Depression

Still alive

Published 07/10/2013 by MoonieZ

Hey girls and guys, I’m sorry for the lack of updates here lately. My blog is still very much alive but I haven’t been wanting to write much for a long time now. Not sure about why but I think I have suffered a bit from mild depression and also from other problems that have kept me from my keyboard and my writing.  Many times I have thought about writing here, many times I’ve had the usual old urge to write but it has only been in my mind. Somehow I haven’t been able to keep the thoughts long enough to put them into writing.

Still, here I am, back at it again. Lord knows why.

No, I don’t.

Oh, sorry, I forgot I’m not one of your believers. Won’t happen again.

Right! Back to business then. Whatever that means. Around here it could mean just about anything or not. That’s what I like about this blog thing. Freedom. The freedom to write whatever enters my mind as I’m writing. Not having to care about what anyone thinks about it. Not having to care about if it makes any sense to anyone (including me). A freedom like that is as good as a freedom can be in my book.

My first thought for this post was to write it under the headline I just wasn’t made for these times, and only include a song by Brian Wilson (of the Beach Boys), but I changed my mind at the last minute. Instead I give you this just to tell you all that I’m still around.


Starting my day by eating American style fried chicken is probably not good for me but it tastes rather delicious.


Dream on

Published 03/13/2013 by MoonieZ

It will happen. Yeah, right.  Tell me some more stories.

All I know is that nothing I dreamed of has happened but plenty of what I haven’t dreamed of has happened. Explain that, if you can.

So, back to the business of today.

For a time I have been feeling somewhat depressed. I lack energy, motivation and interest.  Nothing makes me really happy and nothing really excites me. Mostly things seem dull.

At the office things keep changing but there’s no structure. Projects are started but not finished. Instead there are new projects coming up. People come and go and suddenly they’re gone for good.

I try to focus on the things I need to do to get out of the situation I’m in. Same situation for years. No job.  I work my project also. Write. Try to write. Read a lot. Try to stay in touch with the real world out there where people have real jobs and income. Follow the news media to see where society is going and what’s happening in politics.

The rest of my time, I mostly want to sleep because I’m always tired and I want to escape this place I’m stuck in.

I miss people to talk to. I miss friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss life. I miss having a life. I miss having things to look forward to. I miss having a future. All I have is a past I can’t return to. The more I try not to think of the past good life, the more I do think of it. The more I miss it.

Yes, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I know it’s not attractive. Just the way it is now.

I don’t know

Published 11/07/2012 by MoonieZ

Sometimes when I encounter a situation where I don’t know what to do or say, I don’t do or say anything. Somehow, I think that’s the best option.

Btw, everything isn’t so bad. I actually had some fine moments last week and weekend, but most of the time I didn’t feel too good about myself. It happens sometimes.

However, I’m picking myself up from the ground again and I feel better about myself now. The way I usually feel. Only thing is that these times of feeling really bad will return. Because they always have in the past. Never know when or for how long but I know they will.

But, I have already covered that ground so this will be all for today. I had planned to write more but my internet is not working  and its late  and I’m kind of tired so it will have to wait until tomorrow.



Published 11/05/2012 by MoonieZ

I spent the better part of last week and today revisiting some old demons. Or maybe they revisited me. I’m not sure it really matters who revisited who, I only know that I know these demons very well by now and they know me. Same old ones all the time and they all know how to come back to haunt me.

Insecurity, self-hate and pain. Are just a few of them.

For most of my life they have been around. Sometimes far away in the background and sometimes right in my face. I fight them off, they come back. I surrender to them, they have a party in my lost soul while my mind is blown away or simply asleep.

They bring me nightmares. Make me tired, depressed. Ruin my sleep by waking me up every two hours. Invade my hope and desires, only to laugh at them.

Yet I know they never stay for very long. After a few days or maybe a week they get bored and decide to take a vacation.

So then they stay gone long enough for my tormented soul to recover and almost forget the agony of their last visit. Somehow they sense when this happens and decide to return in force.

Well, sometimes I invite them over and they are always happy to accept. Except ‘happy’ isn’t exactly how I’m feeling when I invite them.  Why do I keep on doing it? Good question. Been asking it myself many times over.

Always telling myself this is the last time, never again will I let this happen. Next time they come knocking, the door will stay closed.  Not so easy. I can’t help to let them back in. Even though I feel really sad and depressed by their visit, they do keep me company in my misery.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

Late in the evening

Published 10/22/2012 by MoonieZ

Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.

Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense.  Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.

Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.

The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a  visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.

In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up.  Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.

Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.

Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.

Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.

At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.

Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.

When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.


This is Thursday

Published 10/11/2012 by MoonieZ

Been a long time without any news from yours truly.

Reason? You mean you need me to have a reason for not updating this blog? Yes. Ok.

Reason: not having anything to say. Good enough? No.


I haven’t been feeling…or rather…I don’t feel too good. I feel depressed. I don’t see my life going anywhere I want it to. I struggle on but I can’t say it helps much.

Most days I don’t want to wake up and when I do, I wish I could go back to sleep.

However, not even my dreams are any good lately. Except daydreams. Those I can still control. At least most of  them.

Nothing happens. I look for work, I apply for jobs, I work on my blog project to market my skills towards employers but the results are slim to none.

Not that I expect any sudden success but all of this not getting anywhere is wearing me down. To motivate myself to keep  going gets harder every day.

The rest of my time I spend on watching movies, TV and listen to music. I also read some books now and then. Try to educate myself and stay in touch with what goes on in the world around me.

Actually the state of the world affairs only adds to my depressed feeling. Wars, famine, poverty, conflicts and economic crisis everywhere I look. I fear the world is in a very bad state. And I fear it will get worse before it gets better.

Solution? I don’t have any. That’s what the politicians are for.

Yesterday, while I was calmly waiting for my bus and reading a newspaper at the bus stop, I was attacked. Or provoked, rather, by a gang of teenage girls of obvious foreign descent. They all spoke with very loud voices, “sang” out loud, smoked, shouted, spat on the ground  and acted like they hade never been taught any manners at all.

I thought to myself, why haven’t their parents taught them anything about how to behave?  Not long after that thought they started blowing smoke in my face and asked me why I looked angry. I told them it was none of their business and when they said they wanted everyone to be happy instead of angry, I told them to not shout, scream and run around so much because that would help make me a bit happier. Of course that was the wrong suggestion, and they ignored it.

Didn’t make my day, to put it mildly.


Published 09/21/2012 by MoonieZ


Is how I feel. Often. Does not mean that I think I’m an idiot, I only feel like an idiot a lot.  Not sure why this feeling keeps returning but it does. Many times I wish I didn’t feel so idiotic. Many times I wish I didn’t behave like an idiot. Other times I wonder why.  Like I do right now.

Perhaps it’s the time of the year, autumn coming and summer being gone, that brings out this depressive feeling of being idiotic. Could be. I have no idea. One day maybe I’ll find out.

Anyway, life goes on. Another Friday, another weekend. Enjoying it as much as possible. Well, mostly I only eat too much and daydream of better days.  For sure, I could be doing something else but I can’t seem to get around to it. As if all the energy is gone.

Before this turns all depressive, I will end it.


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