Published 01/30/2015 by MoonieZ

Hi, I’m back.

For a long time I’ve been feeling very low, useless and without hope. The long years of unemployment and other issues of worry have all added up to this point of me not being able to bear it alone any longer. A few days ago a thought sailed through my mind. A thought about opening the window in the room I sit in at the office and just step out. At 7 floors above the ground that’s not a normal thought, not a good thought and not a thought one should even think, or try to act on. I didn’t open the window, I got scared of myself instead.

I suddenly had a moment where I could see how far down I had gone. And I knew I could not let myself get any further down. I needed help. So I started to look into symptoms of depression and also where to turn for professional help and medical aid.

Never having had any mental problems that I needed help to deal with made me anxious to reach out for help. For a day or two I thought maybe I was making too much out of this sudden thought of suicide, this impulse to end my life, but soon I decided I would let the doctors decide if I was really in need of treatment or not. Better to be safe than sorry. Still, taking the step wasn’t easy at all.

First I told the people in charge at the office of “work”  when I called in sick on Wednesday that I thought I had some kind of depression. They told me that they had noticed a change in my behavior and they also thought I ought to talk to someone about how I feel and about my problems and frustration about my situation. After that call I emailed my contact at the Employment Office and told her that I suspected I was suffering from depression.

Then I checked out the local doctor’s office online to see when I could go there to talk to a doctor. But I felt I needed a day to collect myself before seeing a doctor.

On Thursday in the am I went to the doctor and told him about how I’m feeling and about all my troubles, including the scary thought about stepping out of the window. He asked me if he could let me go home without any risk of me trying to kill myself and I said that I didn’t have any such plans. I told him I was there to get medical help because I was afraid to think of suicide again and that I was sure I would not be able to feel better without treatment.

The doctor decided to let a Psychiatrist evaluate my status, so he got me an appointment at the local hospital later in the evening.

I went back home to have some lunch and some rest and then a few hours later I went by bus to the hospital. I was feeling a bit nervous but also thinking that this was the first steps for me to eventually start feeling better.

The office where the patients with  psychiatric illness are examined is heavy on security and at first it made somewhat anxious. Lots of looked doors and other security measures but the staff was very friendly and soon made me feel welcome and at ease. I was given a lot of questionnaires to answer and then I talked to a nurse for about one hour. She asked me a lot of questions and I found it easy to answer even though I sometimes felt I was giving too many details about some things.

Then the doctor came and asked me to tell her all about why I was there I why I was feeling the way I am. So I started many  years back, at the time when my leg problems started and then I worked my way through to the present day. Also made some detours even further back and sometimes side-tracked about stuff not really important to my depressed state of mind.

She listened, asked questions and then went out to talk to another doctor for a few minutes. When she returned she told me that in her opinion I was suffering from depression and that she wanted me to start taking medication asap. And she also told me that if I got the suicide thoughts back I must call the hospital immediately.

I became a bit anxious when she told me about the pills she wanted me to start taking, especially when I heard about the side effects. Also the pills would not have a full impact until after few weeks have passed so at first they could even make me feel worse but I was still to take them. However, if I experienced serious side effects I should call the hospital straight away and then they would decide on changing the pills to another kind.

The doctor wanted me to return to the hospital for a follow-up and further examination in two weeks and gave me an appointment. She told me that they wanted to check if there were other problems than depression that I might need their help with. I have no idea what those other problems could be so I’m kind of curious to find out and also a little nervous about it.

After more than two hours, I could return home. On the way home I bought a pizza to have for a late dinner. I felt tired and kind of empty after all the talking but also kind of relieved that I’m going to get better eventually and that I wasn’t going to have to go on forever feeling low and not being able to sleep and be tired and drained of all energy and motivation all the time.

The day after, that is today, I still woke up early and without getting enough sleep, but then for most of the day I have been feeling strangely light-headed and almost like I have no depression at all but i still lack the energy and I move slowly when I go out walking. I also can’t handle too much stress. I avoid it at all cost. I also notice I still feel like I want to turn the world off until I feel strong enough to deal with it, then I want to turn it back on again.


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