Soon, maybe next week, I will know. I will have the answer to the question of my potential disorder.
Right now I’m in a state of anxious anticipation. Part of me want to know, part of me would rather not know. Despite all the time I have waited for this answer, I’m not sure how to handle it if the outcome isn’t the one I hope it will be.
If it isn’t, I’m back to square one again, and I don’t think I will be able to cope.
So many years of struggle on my own, not knowing why things haven’t worked out. Years of feeling like a failure. Emotional pain and suffering. Anxiety and stress.
I don’t want any more of that. I want to be able to have some hope for a better tomorrow. Right now, I don’t even know if I will survive if the outcome isn’t what I hope it will be. The last year has been a struggle to get back on my feet, to fight my way out a depression that could have killed me, had I not asked for help. Now, I feel myself slipping back into depression but I manage to keep it at bay. There are so many things to sort out in the coming months, I haven’t got time for a depression to drain my energy.
My future will be decided very soon. I try to be positive but deep down I feel alone and scared. Afraid of what will happen next. That’s how I am. I wish I wasn’t thinking that all the best is behind me. I want to look forward to something better.
But I see the same things happening again and again. The problems of me not knowing how to function like a normal person would. I do too much or too little. I say the wrong things, I misread people. I get it wrong, when trying to get it right.
Well, I’ll be back with the results when I have them.