May it be May

Hello!

Today was not the best day ever. Last night I got some trouble sleeping. I keep worrying about things that haven’t happened and about the future in general. Can’t stop worrying. Sometimes I keep it at bay, mostly during the days. Nights are worse. Also have a lot of very strange dreams and some scary nightmares. I’m tired of being me, living this life.  Tired of never getting anywhere. Tired of waiting for things.

I started painting. It has been fun. And it makes me stop thinking and worrying for a while. Still it can’t really change much.

Lately the weather has been great. But I feel like I have no energy. Doing things always feel too tiring. Hard to get started. Not much is fun. Wish I had someone to really talk to but have no idea who that would be.

How much longer am I supposed to walk through life all by myself?

No

No, I’m not happy with life. It could be worse, of course. It can always be worse, but the worst is that it could always be a hell of a lot better. But it never is. All I got is not so bad but not really good. I’m sick of it. Almost 50 years already gone, and what to show for it? Nothing. Almost nothing but that’s a thin almost. Sure I’ve had some moments where I thought life was actually good. Those happy times. I remember them vividly because there has been so few of them. The bad moments have been plenty, and those I also remember. Then there is life. Not that it makes me smile a lot. I get by.

Lately, I find myself not in the best of moods. I sleep a lot or not at all. I don’t get out much. There are things to do, I just don’t feel like doing any of it. Most of the time I’m thinking about how it is that I never get to where I would like to be no matter what I do or say. Or not. I have decided I have no clue how anything works. No matter how I try to figure it out, I end up in the same place.

So I do what I’m not supposed to do – I give up on it all. No more trying. Someone else can try now and let me rest and relax. Let my brain get some vacation.

Peace.

Back to normal

First day at the office after a nice holiday feels like I’ve never been away.
I woke up tired from not having slept very well, but as soon as I hit the fresh air I started to feel awake.
The commuter journey was the same as usual. I spent the time thinking of things to do today.
Luckily the pain I felt yesterday isn’t as bad today. I hope it stays that way.

Tired

Tired of myself. Tired of life. Tired of things going wrong. Tired of people. Tired of things turning out to be something other than I thought. Tired of things turning out to  be like I thought. Tired of disappointments. Tired of being poor. Tired of dreams that won’t come true. Tired of stupidity (my own mostly). Tired of being the nice guy who nobody notices. Tired of living in the shadow of life. Tired of rain. Tired of pain. Tired of waking up to another empty day. Tired. Tired. Tired! Tired of crimes. Tired of lies. Tired of empty promises. Tired of being last in line. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of feeling sad. Tired of chasing happiness. Tired of believing. Tired of caring. Tired of not caring.  Tired of loving (in vain). Tired of not loving. Tired of having too much time. Tired of wasting time. Tired of wasting money. Tired of (bad) luck. Tired of writing about things I’m tired of. Tired of trying to change and not getting anywhere. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of hoping for a better tomorrow that won’t come. Tired of holding on.Tired of letting go. Tired of giving up. Tired of understanding. Tired of not understanding. Tired of knowing. Tired of not knowing. Tired of me. Tired of You. Tired of them. Tired of everybody. Tired. Dead tired. Tired of finding a way out. Tired of not finding a way out. Tired of even thinking about being tired. Tired of feeling tired. Tired. Just plain tired.

Tired peace.