I like where I am now

Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.

A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.

I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.

First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.

Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.

Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.

On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.

I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.

So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.

The one or the other

Sometimes, I know I will fall right down the black hole of negative thinking even before anything has given me reason to. At those times it’s not anything or anyone outside of me that is the cause of the negative thinking, only my own habit of being pessimistic about myself  rather than optimistic. Or at lest realistic.

The other day that dark cloud of negative thoughts came sailing towards me again. For no good reason other than my own mind forming it. This time, I didn’t let it rain on me. This time I fought that cloud back and let the sun keep on warming me with positive thoughts.

Any other day, or month or year, I would have been caught in the cold rain of that cloud. Maybe not for long but I would have let it rain. Not this time.

I refused to let myself drag me down in misery. I couldn’t see any reason to let it, no sane reason anyway.

I consider this a small victory. To be able to force myself to stay positive in the face of unmotivated negative thinking has been a losing battle all my life. It has always been so much easier to succumb to negativity with or without any kind of reason. At the same time I’ve always found it easy to remain positive about everyone around me. Always optimistic about other people but not often about myself.

Maybe I’m finally starting to allow myself to be positive more often than not.

During the week I have been reading a book about living with ASD as an adult, and I found it to be very helpful. For decades before being diagnosed, I often thought I was just stupid or lazy for not being able to be like “normal” people, or for not being able to do things the way “normal” people are expected to. Or most of all for not being able to understand others  and communicate like “normal” people.

Now I know I don’t need to use all my energy to try to conform or change. I’m never going to be able to anyway and I’m allowed to be me, just the way I am.

May, I think

Have some thoughts. They’re free of charge. I’m only waiting for the day when thinking will be subject to a fee to be paid to the corporation who owns all brainpower. Use of braincell: $1.00.

Ok, I had thought to bring a positive post on this first day of May when workers around the world celebrate their common interests. This day is a public holiday in Sweden but since this year its a Sunday there will be no extra day off. I’m sure our government likes this. They only keep talking about how everyone needs to work more. Still there are almost 500,000 people unemployed. Nobody talks about it and nothing is done to change it. That’s a fact. Unless you try to do something yourself. Looking to society or government for help is fruitless.

Ok, I’m sorry. I was going to write a positive post. Not so easy it seems.

Sending out warm wishes of great spring days to all my friends around the internet is positive though. I think that will have to be all today. I feel like a depression is starting to invade my body and soul. Haven’t had enough sun today probably. Will change that. Soon.

Too much nostalgia as well. Thinking back on happy times spent during the years. Wondering if there’s going to be any more of them or if this is it.

Wrooom…! What was that? That was your life. That was quick, do I get another? Sorry mate that was all you got. 

Positive…. I’m trying my best.

Not easy at all.

Peace.