Yes, I know. You all thought I had passed on to the great beyond. Not yet, readers, not yet.
But, I sometimes wonder if I’m living or only just alive.
*+So the start of the year hasn’t really been that great. Sure, some good moments, laughs and happy times but also a lot of worry, struggle and depressive feelings of doom and gloom.
I’m currently just spending my days waiting for messages to arrive that will inform me of whats next concerning jobs and other matters. And I’m also totally broke. Hardly got money for food. I did this to myself because I wanted to spend time with someone. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. Now, I wonder how I could go so crazy but on the other hand I regret not the hours of great fun I’ve had. Still have but not in the same way.
Though, I wouldn’t do it again in the same way. Twice is once too many times, and three times would be downright insane. I must be more responsible. So, I have a plan for this year. A simple plan through which I aim to regain control over my life and actions.
It may be disappointing and dull for some but for me its the only option left.
the new year started.
I was going to write about the old year but I don’t really like to look back too much anymore.
However, there are some things about the old year that I should mention.
- My old home, the house that was built by my parents and owned by my mother until her death, was sold by me and my brothers. So, I had to move. First I had to find out where to. After a time I did decide on a small town to the north and in February I moved. It caused a lot of stress. Anxiety. Nightmares. I honestly spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I missed my old home. I missed all that was gone.
- A positive thing about moving to a small town: things aren’t so far away. I can walk to every place I need to go to. Only rarely do I need to take the bus. And also hardly any stress. Quiet and peaceful most of the time. It has really lowered the level of stress in my life.
- There was good hope of a better life during the old year. The local employment agency started me in a program to get into job training. And it all looked good for a long time but in the end nothing became of the nice plans. Starting over with other plans this year.
- I made some foolish things during the old year because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I hoped it would lead to something better for me in the long run. Now I don’t know and I think I should have been a lot more sensible. All I can do is to learn from it to not repeat it again. On the other hand, while it lasted I had fun and escaped some worry, stress and anxiety. And the lonely feeling of being all alone in the world.
- I got to know someone online. Someone I quickly grew to care about a lot more than I first thought. From early September to the end of the year I had such great good feelings and so much fun. And I wasn’t all alone. Still a feeling of doubt was beginning to emerge. Now I’m starting to wonder how I really feel.
- Spent time with my uncle, my father’s only brother and my living link to the past on my father’s side of the family.
- Continued to play a lot of games. Mostly Grand Theft Auto Online on the Xbox.
- Turned 50 years old. Started to feel depressed about how little I’ve done with my life.
- Learned about ways to handle my disorder during some classes I took part in.
- Continue to hope to find someone to love who will love me too.