The time has come, and gone, but now I’m back to the empty page to try to fill it out with some words that may or may not make sense to anyone, including me.
Yes, this past month and a half I slipped back into a mode I thought I had put behind me for good. Not so.
I guess temptation got the better of me. Again. Doing something over and over and expecting it to turn out differently is not very clever. Doing it again while knowing it won’t, is probably even worse. Stupid.
Anyway, I guess I had to do it since I went along and did it. No way to undo it, just one thing to do and that is to stop doing it anymore. I clearly can’t handle it very well so best not to do it at all.
Might take some time for it to sink in that stopping is the only way forward and I will surely miss doing it but I have to be more sensible at this point. The chance I have now to do something that will benefit me in the long run will never return, so I can’t let it slip away by making foolish choices. Already done enough damage to myself and I’m the one who suffers from it.
Still, it didn’t hurt while it happened. Only now, when I see the damage I’ve done.
On the other hand, I had fun. I guess I must find other ways to amuse myself. I thought I had not too long ago but then things happened that made me fall back into the old ways again. The destructive ways.