Sometimes, I know I will fall right down the black hole of negative thinking even before anything has given me reason to. At those times it’s not anything or anyone outside of me that is the cause of the negative thinking, only my own habit of being pessimistic about myself rather than optimistic. Or at lest realistic.
The other day that dark cloud of negative thoughts came sailing towards me again. For no good reason other than my own mind forming it. This time, I didn’t let it rain on me. This time I fought that cloud back and let the sun keep on warming me with positive thoughts.
Any other day, or month or year, I would have been caught in the cold rain of that cloud. Maybe not for long but I would have let it rain. Not this time.
I refused to let myself drag me down in misery. I couldn’t see any reason to let it, no sane reason anyway.
I consider this a small victory. To be able to force myself to stay positive in the face of unmotivated negative thinking has been a losing battle all my life. It has always been so much easier to succumb to negativity with or without any kind of reason. At the same time I’ve always found it easy to remain positive about everyone around me. Always optimistic about other people but not often about myself.
Maybe I’m finally starting to allow myself to be positive more often than not.
During the week I have been reading a book about living with ASD as an adult, and I found it to be very helpful. For decades before being diagnosed, I often thought I was just stupid or lazy for not being able to be like “normal” people, or for not being able to do things the way “normal” people are expected to. Or most of all for not being able to understand others and communicate like “normal” people.
Now I know I don’t need to use all my energy to try to conform or change. I’m never going to be able to anyway and I’m allowed to be me, just the way I am.