I think about it a lot. The fact that my parents being gone, has taken me a step closer to my own end.
In the end, death takes us all. So I spend a lot of time thinking about the life I have lived and the life that remains ahead. I ask myself if I am happy with it, and I find the answer is that I’m not. Not happy at all.
So many years have been wasted in search for things that couldn’t be found in the places where I searched.
Such a fool was I, also, to place the blame for my failures and problems upon people around me, time and time again, when the solution has always most likely been within me.
Now, as I approach 50 years old, I have finally gotten the help I should have asked for 30 years ago or more.
I will have the answer by next summer, if all goes well. Then I will know if I indeed have the disorder I suspect to suffer from. Then, I will have the answer that will explain to me why so much have failed and why I have had such difficulty in some areas throughout my life.
Perhaps, there is a chance to use that answer to work on ways to improve the problematic areas and perhaps even find some kind of happiness.
That’s what I hope for. Before my time is up.