Wish I knew.
The answer to this question has eluded me my whole life.
At least, it feels like a long time of looking for the answer. A long time to bring about a change. A long time to figure out what this change ought to be.
So much time. Sometimes, I feel that time has only been wasted. Other times, I think maybe it has served some purpose even if I can’t always see it or feel it.
Why I write this now? Because I know I should be writing something else but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have a story to finish. A tale about a topic that is very close to my heart and soul but also a topic which sometimes brings me a lot of pain and heartache to think about and also to write about.
Even so, I have done it in the past. Several times over the seven and soon eight years this blog has been up and running. Yet, the story I have been working on the past weeks is a bit more to the point than my previous efforts. One can say, it’s a more honest story. I feel I have reached an age when I should be able to tell it like it really is even if I come across as a complete fool. Wanting to be honest is a painful undertaking due to all the emotions that are stirred by looking back at old buried memories of times, places and events that hurt then and still hurt now, many years later.
Of course there aren’t only painful memories. There are also happy moments to remember. However, even the memory of happiness can hurt to talk about when you realize those moments will not return. They are forever past history, only to be looked back at.
Then there’s also the dawning of the understanding that this might be all there is: that what I have – here and now – is as good as it will ever be, which feels both good and bad. Makes me feel both happy and sad. Many mixed emotions. A lot of thoughts.
However, the writing will continue and I will finish the story and it will be published. Eventually.