I spent the better part of last week and today revisiting some old demons. Or maybe they revisited me. I’m not sure it really matters who revisited who, I only know that I know these demons very well by now and they know me. Same old ones all the time and they all know how to come back to haunt me.
Insecurity, self-hate and pain. Are just a few of them.
For most of my life they have been around. Sometimes far away in the background and sometimes right in my face. I fight them off, they come back. I surrender to them, they have a party in my lost soul while my mind is blown away or simply asleep.
They bring me nightmares. Make me tired, depressed. Ruin my sleep by waking me up every two hours. Invade my hope and desires, only to laugh at them.
Yet I know they never stay for very long. After a few days or maybe a week they get bored and decide to take a vacation.
So then they stay gone long enough for my tormented soul to recover and almost forget the agony of their last visit. Somehow they sense when this happens and decide to return in force.
Well, sometimes I invite them over and they are always happy to accept. Except ‘happy’ isn’t exactly how I’m feeling when I invite them. Why do I keep on doing it? Good question. Been asking it myself many times over.
Always telling myself this is the last time, never again will I let this happen. Next time they come knocking, the door will stay closed. Not so easy. I can’t help to let them back in. Even though I feel really sad and depressed by their visit, they do keep me company in my misery.
Pathetic, isn’t it?