Despair

Published 08/01/2012 by MoonieZ

Not that I feel it every day of my life, but too often to be happy about it.

Life is a struggle.

Trying to understand what happens around you is a struggle. Trying not to take anything too personal when it isn’t about you is also  a challenge.

At least for me. I am probably too sensitive and too willing to please. Too eager to take the blame for things that have nothing or at least very little to do with me. Too often I think I’m responsible for things when I in fact have no part in it at all. Just happened to be there and of course I think I have failed or things would be different.

Been the same way for so long I can’t even remember if it ever wasn’t.

I’m soft. I feel like I’m to blame a lot. I always think I’m the problem and/or I did or said something wrong to make something happen whenever it seems to turn out badly.

Then I can’t let it go. Instead I think of nothing else and feel miserable. Useless, is how think of myself.

I know. Same old story. I struggle with it year in and year out. Sometimes I manage to forget for so long I think I’m cured. Then I fall back down again. All it takes is a little push.

This is how I am but I have not accepted it has to be the way I’ll always be.

Yet, I only end up with despair.

Solution is probably to stop bothering so much about everything and everyone and let things be without thinking it all has to do with some wrongdoing of mine in one way or another.

Grow up. Grow a thicker skin. Grow some balls. Grow a beard. Grow taller. Grow. Grow. Grow.

I want to hide, escape, run away, turn back time,put things right, excuse myself. Disappear. Or wait a minute; I have no idea what I want to do. All I know is how I feel  – and it’s not a good feeling I have. I feel like shit.

Despair is pouring through my veins.

One day maybe I’ll look back on this and it will seem funny. Today is not that day though. Today is the first day of August and I feel like all I ever do is wrong. Wrong time, wrong action, wrong word.

I blame myself. I’m useless.

The end.

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