I’ve been thinking. Thinking. Should I update or not? Should I really put my ass on the line again, just for the satisfaction of reading my words on this blog once more? Sometimes, I can’t decide if it’s worth it or not. Sometimes I think I have nothing more to say about anything to anyone at all.
It was like that the other night. I was in a chat room having a nice chat with my beautiful friend, laughing and having a good time, when suddenly it hit me: I have no idea what more to say, no idea at all. Of course I didn’t stop typing just because I didn’t know what more to say. Instead I kept on typing and somehow words came out that made some kind of sense, had a meaning and kept the convo going. I was happy to have gotten through without falling silent.
The next day I started thinking about writing an update for this blog. I had some ideas, I even had one text all worked out in the back of my head but when I thought about writing it I got second thoughts and cold feet and suddenly didn’t feel like writing it. Or anything else.
The day after was the same. The thought came: it’s time to update and then the next thought was: I don’t want to. Not now, not today. I do have ideas but I don’t feel like sharing them anymore. So I did something else. Looked at Tumblr dashboard, read tweets and listened to music. Also watched some sort of fancy Danish porn movie: All About Anna but without much interest. After some more thinking I decided to go to sleep. Still without updating.
I woke up this morning and knew that today I would have to update this blog – somehow. The show must go on. That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change.
However, I still feel a lot of resistance even as I’m writing this. A voice in my head tells me to not do this. To not finish it. To not publish it. But, I will publish. Have I done this much writing I will not throw it out, I will publish it no matter what I think. So, this is why this update is the way it is. No secrets, no lies. Only words.