What is life?
Not about to write a thesis on the subject but sometimes I do ask myself the question: what is life? What’s my life?
Used to be rather good. Growing up, going to school. First. Then things started to happen. I guess in some twisted way what happened to me then and since, was and is all my fault. Or mostly my fault.
The bullying was of course brought on by my inability to conform to the rules, the social codes of behaviour. I wasn’t social enough or in the right way so I could only expect to be punished so that I would conform and adapt. Problem was I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to conform to. I couldn’t figure out the rules. All I wanted was to be allowed to be me. I didn’t want to harm anyone or fight with anyone. I was not a violent kid at all. I only wanted to be accepted as being me. No such luck.
Later, at work, I experienced similar problems. I didn’t fit in. The bullying was more subtle now but nevertheless real. It was a growing feeling of being pushed to the side, of not having the same value, not being listened to. It felt like it was all my fault and I did my best to change, to fit in. Sometimes I thought I did. Then, later on, I learned I didn’t. I never had and most likely never would.
Now, at the office, I don’t really feel it but at the same time I feel myself wanting to pull away. To withdraw into myself. I’m not sure I fit in anywhere. Maybe it’s true that it’s all my fault because I can’t learn to change, can’t learn how to be.
Seems to be the same with any friends. I kill them with my kindness. I go too far to soon. Want so much to be liked that it turns into the opposite because I behave like someone who is offered food after having starved for a long time: I throw myself over the plate and eat as fast and as much as I possibly can.
No, I can’t change. I try.
Can’t fit in. I try, but I try too hard.
Then I turn my back to the world and start all over again.
This was what I thought about while listening to some social media gurus talk about how the social media technology is all about sharing, reaching,communicating and connecting. And how the content of the media is provided by people wanting to communicate and connect. This is of course true but what happens to those who fail to connect and communicate despite their best efforts? Where do they go?
Btw, this week has been ok. I was at a fair for a day or two and learned some things. Helped my mother with preparations for her birthday tomorrow. Helped my aunt. Talked to my brothers and some of my cousins. Watched a lot of movies. Wrote some applications for jobs. Spent some time thinking.
Next week I don’t know.
Edit: The obvious answer: get a life.