I took some time to read through old archived chat conversations I’ve had with some people during the past years. Don’t ask me why I did it. Perhaps to find out if my memory of things was correct or not. Perhaps just in order to pass the time on an average dull weekend. I found out things I had forgotten and remembered things I thought had been different at the time. In some cases I found the past had been better than the present but in most cases I just found that things always change and people do too. Nothing ever remains in one place. I change too, even though I hardly ever notice or want to admit to it. I get older. Time passes. People who once seemed to be one way turn in other directions as time passes. Somebody seems closer and then suddenly slips away and seems to be distant. Not even sure how it happens but it happens.
As much as it feels good to dwell in the past happy times, it’s dangerous to long for wanting them back or hope for them to repeat. Living in the past is something I’ve done too many times already. Neglecting the present is not often good in the long run. It may be that I miss how things were at some point, it may be that I wish it could be that way again but time always moves forward. There’s no way to turn it back. Better to then to keep moving with time instead of trying to move against it.
However, I miss some moments that went by too quickly. Re-reading them makes me want to change some things I said, add other things and somehow ask better questions or have better – or rather – different answers to some questions. I can see points where certain things slipped through my hands that could have taken other routes if I had acted differently – better. Or then again, they might still have been the same.
Why I started to look back is partly because I’m thinking about where to go in the future. Should I keep spending this much time doing what I’ve done for more than 10 years or should I follow other paths of interest from now on? Decisions, decisions. Not easy to know what to do. I only know that I have a growing feeling of wanting to do other things and find other ways to move on. Looking back I have had a rather large number of people I’ve kept in touch with online. This number is now down to almost zero. Sometimes I think it has to do with me becoming less active, which is true. My lack of money is another reason, not to be ignored. Less time to spend online is a third aspect. How the places I visit have changed is also part of it. Of course many of the people I used to know have gradually left the scene as well over time. 11 years is a long time. The internet has changed a lot. There are more ways to interact and more people have access to the internet. There are a lot more ways to be social online than when I first started using the internet almost 15 years ago. All of this makes me reconsider my own ways of interaction. I haven’t decided which way to go yet or what to do but I think I will most likely choose a different path sometime soon. When I know what that path is, I will let you – my readers – know.