OK. Time to take a deep breath and relax. I’ve been like a wreck for two days now, more or less. What started it I’m not sure of. Some small reminder of low self-esteem or something. The usual suspects. Last week I was feeling so good about life. Actually, I went into the weekend feeling good about most things except some small problems I have yet to solve. Then I don’t know what happened. I let myself run wild with imagination and fear. My old faults came back to haunt me once more. Thinking about it today I see how I have been this way before and how I manage to behave so much like a child. I like to see myself in control of my feelings and my thoughts. Someone who thinks before speaking but these past days I’ve been both silently sad and angry and also speaking my mind without thought. Now I most of all wish I could go back and change everything for the better. I also wish I could learn to not do this again and again. I also wish I could stop taking myself so seriously. I wish I was better at everything to do with other people, but I can’t seem to learn. Somehow I think I’m fine and then I fall down again and have to start over.
Probably I’m in the wrong place looking for the wrong things instead of just enjoying myself. I was reading about it at a forum last evening. Before I thought that idea was wrong but now I’m beginning to see that I’ve been wrong and that idea is the right way to handle it. My approach from the start wasn’t what it might seem like but I allowed it to become what it shouldn’t have and I know that is a part of my problem. However being who I am and feeling the way I do I can’t change just because I can see its wrong in this situation. Too late to rewind the tape and start over. What I can do and must really try to do better is to deal with it in a responsible and sensible manner from now on. No more of this foolishness. I have promised myself this before and I’ve not been able to keep it but I will do my best once more.
What makes me sad is that this probably won’t make any sense to anyone except me but I really don’t know how to describe it in a better way. All I really want is to put my sadness behind me along with my depressive state of mind and return to my normal way of being. I like myself better that way but I know my dark feelings and thoughts are also a part of who I am. Only not the big part and not the part I want others to see. Makes no sense.
How about I stop whining and pity myself and start looking out instead of in? Good idea, I think I will do that. Maybe I’ll be able to smile and be of some good for somebody instead.
Trust. That seems to be hard to learn to do. I have to learn, I thought I had but I prove to myself time and time again that I haven’t.