I don’t know what to write. Well, I do know I would like to turn back time and do yesterday all over again but better. What I did do wasn’t very good at all. Feel like an idiot today. Felt like a party crasher yesterday. Most of all I felt like I should have slept instead. Ok, I did feel ill. I did have a headache and I was really tired but at other times I’ve still managed to behave in a good way. Now I didn’t. Words weren’t coming out right, too slow or not at all. Didn’t know what to say, what to talk about, when to talk or why I felt like I would rather just go away (which I did eventually when I couldn’t stand myself any longer). Yes, I felt inadequate when I wasn’t able to contribute to a good – even great – cause and just have fun and enjoy myself. Usually I can. Usually I’m a better person than this. But I seem to have lost myself lately. That makes me sad. I feel like I am superfluous and would do better to take a step away and think things over. If I can’t do anything good I don’t want to be around because I don’t want to be a boring mood spoiler.
Anyway today I woke up after about four hours of sleep and felt better in one way – my ill feeling was gone and so was the headache – but I feel ashamed of how I couldn’t be a better friend and about my bad behavior.
Maybe I should take a break from everything for a while and see if I can pull myself back together. I don’t really like the idea of going away but maybe it’s the best thing to do. I’ll have to think it over.
Today I went out and did some yard work to clear my head. I might also do some driving for the same reason.
I know I cling too tight to you but letting go is hard. I don’t know what to do.
Another thing bothering me: I ought to see a dentist but I can’t afford any treatment so I don’t go even though I know I should.
Maybe the real reason for all of this sadness I feel is the fact that I don’t see any future for myself in this world. All I got is poverty and dreams. Not much. I didn’t used to worry about it I just kept going but I’ve run out of steam. All the efforts seem to end up taking me nowhere or perhaps I just can’t see where I’m going. I don’t know what’s worse.
And I am nervous about the text I sent to my teacher. Hope it will be good enough but not sure. Wishing I will pass so that I can get my degree. Stress. Also the days are getting shorter and darkness comes early and it’s cold and I’m cold and life feels less happy only because of the time of the year and waiting for a long Winter.
But there’s also light. Family, relatives and friends. Well most of all one friend and you know who you are. Without you I would see no light at all and yet I fail you over and over. I’m useless.
So I’m going to end this here.