Thought long and hard about publishing this or not. Finally decided the text is good enough to be read even though it’s raw and unpolished and contains a lot of anger. In the moment of writing it the feeling was real but not since. I usually don’t publish anything written in the heat of anger due to the fact it can be misunderstood very easily. And I might say things I don’t really want to say in a way that might offend those I care about.
The end of an era. The end of ten years of all kinds of experiences and adventures and whatnot. The end of me. The end of MoonieZ, Moonie2U, Moonglow, Moonie, Moon River or whatever nicknames I’ve used. The end of my days of looking for friends in all the wrong places. The end of me trying to be a good person and make a difference. The end of me spending my last dollars to help some friend in some chatroom when a day or night is not off to a good start or just to start a slow thing rolling. Or just to show some love or just to show appreciation or just to show that you matter. Or just to show that you mean something. Or just to show that yes I care. Or just to show that yes I like you. Or just to show the unthinkable the forbidden and unmentionable that yes I really love you enough to spend my last money on you than on food or clothes for myself. The sure way to stand out as pathetic eternal loser in a sea of people out to have a good time and some fun and with money to spare. Where nothing is real and all is illusion and the one trying to always be true and sincere is the sucker waiting to be taken for a ride along the emotional highway and then be left hung out to dry when it’s all said and done at the end of the day. There’s a new fool born every minute. I’ve been a fool all my life so why stop now? Why stop believing in the human race? Why stop believing in the good in all people regardless of where they might be? Why stop believing that you get treated by others the way you treat them yourself? Why stop believing in friendship and love even through the internet? Why stop when it’s been so much fun for so long and when it’s been a really interesting experience?
Well, let me tell you all why. I’m done. I’m fed up. I’ve had it. I hate myself and how I am always a fool who can only do things wrong even when they’re right. Or at least good. What I think is good is not what is good it appears. So I think it’s time I learn the lessons and learn them good.
I’m nothing. I’m a loser and I’m weak. I feel sorry for myself and I hate my life. I want to get out of here and never feel this pain again as long as I live. I’d rather live alone for the rest of my days than go through being the fool who is the last to know and last to see and the only one who has gotten it all wrong from the start cause he dared to dream the impossible dream once again. If you never learn you can’t evolve. I have learned now. It hurts like hell and then some but I’ve learned. Words amount to nothing. Words are meaningless and all that is true. Actions speaks louder. Money talks and bullshit walks and someday I’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny. But now I’m sad and feel like the only fool in the world. I want to hide in a hole in the ground. I am ashamed and embarrassed and I can’t believe I bother to feel this way. After all it is all for fun. Right?
Yeah, I guess this post won’t help me in the eyes of the world but it helps me get my feelings out. The crying I have already done. The heart is broken but it will still be beating. And in it there is still only room for one. And I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about that. Laugh, point your fingers, explain to me again how wrong I am and I will not change anyway. This is the way it is. No matter what.
OK. I’m done. What happens next is out of my hands.