OK. Standing at the station, watching the train of life leave. Missed again. Same old story. When people decide to unfollow based on me talking too much or being too loving or whatever the reason and yet telling me I’m wonderful but they can’t follow me anyway, I kind of feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut for no real reason. At least not a reason I can understand. It wasn’t as if there was a close friendship. It was just another internet friend I liked to chat with from time to time, have some fun and some laughs. Share some jokes. And after such a long time when my twitter timeline has looked the same to use an excuse like the one that was served to me just don’t fly. Anyway, I’ve decided to let it be and simply move on.
I’ve got other things bothering me a lot more. I have the dreaded feeling of having set myself up for heartbreak. Again. In fact I think it’s already a fact. I know the exact moment my heart shattered again. It hurt like hell but it wasn’t like a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky.
I have had it coming for a time. It’s been a feeling that has grown on me even though I’ve tried to shake it off and pretend to have been mistaken. Matter of fact is that I am not mistaken about how I choose to feel about the whole thing. It was inevitable I would arrange for myself to end up in this situation. Having to act without any guidance and without any idea of what I’m doing except trying my best to express myself I could only fall on my face.
However, I’m still around and I intend to remain being around. I’m not the type to hide and run. I am known to be reliable and to stand fast even in the face of defeat. Also, I don’t give up on friends very easily. So – I remain the friend I’ve always been and continue being me. Nothing else I can do anyway. Nothing else I want to do.
A nice evening in July it is and I should be so busy outside. However I am not in the mood for garden work. I’m more in the mood for some music and a drink and a little walk down the winding pathways of my memories.
Having a sense of having seen it all before brings some comfort and makes it all easier to handle. At least I gave it all I had. What more can anyone do. Life goes on. It’s not so bad as it was the first time. I know I’ll be ok and I know I am ok. Tonight I will have some fun and it will be fine.
Miss my old friend though. Wish things would be different – or like they used to be when it was good. Now all I have are memories of the good old days.
Oh well – friends come and go. Only a few stay for very long and only one or two remain for life. I had a hope I had such a friend – and for about 10 years I had – but it seems I might have to cultivate another friendship in order to achieve it again. Be that as it may. In my heart my friend will always remain my friend no matter if we ever talk again.
I promised myself I wouldn’t write a bitter or angry post about these matters. I almost published one yesterday that I had written in a kind of rage but I didn’t. Would not have been good. Was good to write it though – and get the feelings out of my system. To publish it would have been childish and gone totally against who I am or who I want to be.
I’m glad I was able to control my feelings enough to leave it unpublished.