My feelings are making me into a fool. I should rephrase that. My choice to feel the way I do makes me choose to do foolish things. That’s a responsible adult and mature attitude towards the whole problem. Or so I guess. I’ve never really felt mature or like a grown up. Still I always know that I must act my age in a lot of situations. Probably in all situations. Problem is I have some trouble to always remember to act my age. How do I act my age? What age am I ? Middle-aged, slightly over-weight not very muscular and in need of more exercise. Even if I do go for walks fairly regularly. I also do gardening work from time to time. I do maintenance work around the house when needed. I don’t always know how to do everything but I try to learn. I wash my clothes, hang them to dry, I fold them up and store away. I iron them if needed. I can cook food but I prefer to cook in the microwave. Almost everything can be cooked in a microwave and its a great time-saver. However I do like to cook on the stove as well. Been known to make a pretty good lasagna sometimes.
I washed and cleaned the car. Did other maintenance on it when it was called for. I keep my home clean even though my home office looks like a mess most of the time. I sometimes store things away and make the room very clean and tidy only to mess it up again. I always think it reflects that my mind is always at work on something and often switching from one thing to another so fast there’s no time to store away the first before bringing out the second. Result is a chaos. However a genius can handle chaos. Not saying I’m a genius but I do create chaos.
The way I have chosen to feel the last couple of days have made me act in a way I’m not entirely satisfied with. I know I am pretty much always coming on too strong and being too eager whenever there is someone or something I really like. Often this approach is not the best one. I’d say it is mostly or even always wrong and not only in the long run.
I learned this many years ago when I first started to get to know a once close female friend. She listened to my story, my continuous social awkwardness and explained to me what I should do instead to help solve the problems. Thanks to those long discussions, often late in the evening or during the night, I learned to relax then to trust myself and finally to act with moderation even if I had a strong desire to be close to someone. It worked rather well after a while. I made friends and felt that I could behave like a normal human being. I didn’t feel too nervous or shy or anxious. I started to have some confidence and enjoyed myself more by not always worrying, thinking or assuming the worst.
Those were great years. Little did I know then, I would come to forget most of what I had learned and have to start over all by myself without guidance.
Still I think I’ve handled myself pretty ok except for some shorter periods of time when I’ve let myself slip back into the old ways. Most recently the past two or three days. Perhaps longer.
I’ve been almost unable to sleep or eat. Every thought has been focused on one person only. Every word written – almost – has been directed towards that same person.
But at the same time I’ve known that it would be better to stay calm than to get carried away the way I have.
It’s easy to see when looking back but harder to do while in the middle of it all.
I feel happy but I don’t want to be a fool and do a lot of foolish things. So I struggle to change, to restrain myself from certain excesses. To leave well enough alone.
I do not wish to push people away by being too attentive towards them. At the same time I do not wish to seem like I don’t care at all. I’ve never been good at balancing those two aspects. I’m doing my best to learn though.