I am not going to say I’m sorry about yesterday’s post. It is a serious and honest one and it reflects my feelings when I wrote it.
Today I have been feeling mostly the same. Low. Unhappy. Sad. Inferior. Insecure. Not sure why when I really should be ok but there it is. This is how I’m feeling right now.
I also miss my old friend. It’s been almost 6 months without any word and I’m soon climbing the walls or something. Never thought I’d miss a friend this much but I do. I miss the one I could lean on and ask for advice and tell my troubles and always get some honest answers and good help. Not always the answers I wanted but they were really good even if I didn’t always see it at first. She knew me better than anybody. But – I don’t just miss her because I miss her advice or help – I miss her telling me about her problems asking for my advice and help asking me to listen. I did always listen, I offered to listen and I did try my best to be a help and try to give some advice sometimes. Wasn’t good at it but I did try. I guess one doesn’t really miss things before they’re gone or how much they mean. I know now.
All those years. They don’t just disappear but sometimes I’m wondering if I really lived them or if it has all been a dream. Then I stop and tell myself that of course those years happened. Of course those good times and bad times and fun times and sad times and angry times happened – and they were all real. And I’d give a lot to have them go on but it seems that might not happen anymore. Which makes me sad. And a bit scared. I have not got anyone to ask for advice now. When I really need to ask.
Because there is this other friend I have. I have not known her very long, not even a year, but I do really wish to get to know her more and I really like her and I enjoy seeing her whenever I do and I’ve had a lot of fun when I do chat with her but I am always feeling like I’m doing everything wrong and I am totally insecure and always afraid I’m never seeing her again and I would very much like to ask my old friend what I’m doing wrong and what I should do and how I’m going to stop feeling like a loser without a clue but so far I’m on my own and I’m not sure how long I can keep myself from falling apart on my own. Damn, I wish I knew a better way than to always feel this way.
At least writing about it helps. Feels a bit less sad and unhappy now. Maybe I should just relax and sleep more. Not think so much about things I know nothing about. I don’t know. Last days I’ve been swinging from a shiny happy feeling to a very miserable and sad feeling. Lately things seems to turn out bad. I got a parking ticket ,the car needs repairs and I can’t finish my writing project.
I need a vacation.
Peace and thanks for reading. Not much entertainment but a lot of honesty.