Sometimes I wish I wasn’t afraid of speaking. Afraid of letting myself out of my cage. Afraid of feeling too much and of letting the world know what really goes on in there. Inside my brain and inside my heart.
The surface might appear cool and controlled but underneath is a different story. Wouldn’t be that way if I was not so afraid of letting myself out. Letting go. Not hold back. I do write a lot here about how I feel but some feelings I do keep to myself even if it seems like I don’t hold anything back from my readers. I do hold back on some things. Some feelings for some people, I am very afraid to write about. To let the world know about. They might find it silly. They might not care. They might turn the other way. They might laugh. They might feel uneasy and think of me as some kind of freak. They might take a step back and not know what to think at all. They might worry if I’m insane or something. Those fears go through my mind a lot. Makes me hold back on some feelings I would gladly share but I don’t. I do not dare. I wish I would dare but I’m afraid of getting hurt. See – after a life of hurt and rejection experienced too often – I should have developed a thicker skin but instead I keep being the easy target. So I stop before I risk too much. Probably not always the best strategy but it saves me from getting hurt but also stops me from finding out what would really happen if I did let it all out. Might not be the end of the world might be better than I think or fear. Might be good. However I am too much of a coward to take the risk of finding out. Instead I keep a lid on and get lost in my dreams.
Why did I write this now. I watched a movie – The Wrestler – which I liked even though it was sad and made me think of a lot of things related to my own life. It really made me see some things in a different light and suddenly made me aware of things I had not thought about before. Changed my perspective one could say.
Anyway. This is all for now.