I had promised to come up with an update that was going to be good. This is isn’t it. But, I’m tired today. Tired and feeling kind of silly. No special reason. Just a general feeling of what the fuck am I doing and why and how come I feel the way I feel when there’s no good reason. Maybe it’s just another Monday. Maybe it’s just a general lack of energy or motivation or some belated winter depression. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow I will probably feel some other way. I hope it’ll be a better way.
Saw some ducks in a pond today while out walking with some co-workers from the office. Took some pictures. Was a nice walk around the ponds and the spring weather was great. As great as can be expected on a Monday.
My writing project is not getting done. I struggle and struggle to get some words written but I can’t focus enough to get it done. It keeps eluding me. It’s like I don’t really want to finish it. Maybe I am just afraid of failure. My confidence is not that good at times. I often doubt myself too much. Not a new story but I still mention it because this is how I feel today. Wouldn’t be much use trying to hide that fact. Writing about it sometimes helps. What I am really wishing for and lacking is change. There is a hope for change still and I know I have a way to make some changes happen if I just manage to go the distance. Lately I’ve grown impatient and started to doubt that anything will ever change for the better but I guess it’s natural to feel this way. After all I have now spent almost three years without regular employment and I almost don’t remember what that working life I had was like. I know what I miss the most though. Not the money but the freedom. The freedom to do what I wanted when work was done for the day or the week. To be able to have plans for summer vacations and whatever else I was going to do in my spare time. Now I have no freedom and no vacations. Haven’t had a vacation since the summer of 2006. That’s a long time living without any way of getting away from the daily grind. It has started to really wear me out, the lack of freedom. However, being at the office has cut me a little slack for a while. Just enough to make me have some hopes and dreams again. My only wish is to make some of those dreams real so that I might someday escape this prison-like life I’m now living.
Ok, it wasn’t my intention to rant about how low I’m feeling today but at least now it’s done. Now I’ll return to doing something else. Not sure what though.