Had some more thoughts. Feel a little less depressed after writing the long post earlier. I am probably just too eager. Sometimes I should sit back, relax and let things be instead of pushing forward. Hard to do but it is probably what I will try to do. I feel very sad for some reason. Or not sad – more like empty and tired. Maybe I am depressed after all. All I really want to do is sleep and not wake up until the world has changed for the better. Good luck. You’ll be sleeping forever before that happens… Maybe not. Maybe there is still some hope left.
All I know is that I never even imagined I could end up where I am at now. Never in my wildest dreams. Or in my worst nightmares. Yet, here I am and all I can do is try to make the best of it. Not sure I always will have the strength to see it that way or do it that way but I have no options left. I’m now outside of everything. Locked away. I wish to find the door leading inside as soon as possible. Yesterday wouldn’t be soon enough.
I am sure I will have some use for the “work” I’ll be doing and I will do my best to make it work for me instead of against me. However – I used to think I was strong but I’m learning I’m not strong at all. I’m weak. I wish I wasn’t.
Life would be so much easier if I could be strong when facing it. Once I was. Perhaps. I seem to recall making my way through some difficult times in the past and manage to survive and even have some good times after getting through. Nothing lasts forever that’s the only hope I have left to hold on to. This may be bad times but they won’t last forever. They can’t last forever. One day they’ll end. One day I’ll be looking at a better tomorrow again.
Damn it. I wish I was better at keeping my friends. I wish I knew how. I thought I knew but I seem to never really learn. Except there are still a few friends around or perhaps people I think of as friends so I guess sometimes I am able to do some things right. At least that is a comforting thought. I am not all bad or all a failure then even if I often think I am in my darkest moments, like this weekend.
So, without pretending to suddenly be OK again I’m looking forward to another week of struggle to reach a better life. All I can do is look forward and take on whatever comes along. At least I’m still alive. Things can only get better, right ?