There’s a hole in my dreams. There’s an empty space – a void – that can’t be filled. No matter what. Just can’t. There are no wishes enough to be able to change it. This is a fact.
I know I shouldn’t think as much as I do. I know I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t hope for too much or I will only be disappointed in the end or before the end sometimes. I know I shouldn’t dare the leap when I know the faith is not within me. Not as solid as gold. Not as glittering as silver. Not even close to enough. However I chose to forget such matters and dare the jump anyway. While in the air I still see the possibility of success before I land and discover how far away from the mark I’ve landed. Not sure you know what I’m on about? Don’t worry. I’m doing wide circles around the center of this discussion. All for creating a bit of mystery or simply because I am not brave enough to speak up clearly. Could be. Could also be that after all I’m not willing to let the world know exactly every detail. Maybe I want to protect someone from too much embarrassment if I should name them the missing piece, the one who could fill that empty space in my dreams, if only there were such a thing as a perfect world where dreams actually come true and became whole.
That world is not the one I’m living in. Obviously. Or I wouldn’t be writing this. Wouldn’t have to.
Lately I’ve longed for talking to an old friend. For support , for advice. for a chance to make sense of what I’m doing or not doing or what I should be doing or how to overcome that distance that seems to always be a bit too long to be reached. Those moments when things fall into place, where it feels like it only takes a little more and then… before everything shatters and returns to square one. What was thought to be gained, lost. Wasn’t gained in the first place, only looked like it. A mirage.
Sometimes the best of intentions and aspirations can lead you only to the misery of falling short. Sometimes the courage to dream a bold dream is not enough to carry it through to reality. Sometimes this kind of writing should be outlawed because of the deliberate confusion it creates in the reader’s mind. Sometimes this kind of writing is what keeps me from crying my heart out when the feeling of loss is too hard to handle. When the lonely heart wants to break out of my chest and shatter in a million pieces before slowly put itself back together. Sometimes the most beautiful can be the most painful. Sometimes words are not enough.
Sometimes words are all I’ve got. Got to make them count. Sometimes they do. Lot of times they don’t. Only get in the way of the message.
What is the message? Simple answer: there’s a hole in my dreams, a void I can’t fill. No matter what.
Time doesn’t wait. Time is running out. Once I thought time was on my side. Now I know time is not on my side, never was. Time runs faster than I can manage to tag along. Time leaves me at side of the road while it disappears in the distance.
Fear wakes up and takes command. Kicks the dream’s ass. Fear knows no fear when it shatters hopes and dreams. Fear knows no limit when it puts a stop to efforts, make them weak and failing.
Sleep. Is what I ought to do. Maybe get out into the fresh air. Take some time to look around and find my way. Something.
Writing this has helped calm my nerves. Maybe even the turmoil of emotion has settled somewhat. Not that I reached a conclusion. Only managed to confuse myself. Which isn’t hard. I’m often confused even when I seem to be clear and to the point. I feel like I shouldn’t feel like this now. Instead I should feel happy. And I do. Feel happy. Yesterday was a very happy day. Today too was happy. Happy until that moment when there’s an empty space that can’t be filled. As long as it is forgotten all is ok, then it isn’t. So hard to understand how it can be like this. Yet I know the feeling. Have had lots of practice. Sometimes though, I wish there’d be another feeling taking the place. Just so I could know if its real at all. Just once. Once in a lifetime is not too much to ask for, is it ? Sometimes it seems to be too much to even dream of. Sometimes one feels like one shouldn’t dream at all. Just to be safe. Sometimes this happens. Sometimes I dream anyway. Just for the hell of it.
Today I dream.