While I’m on the subject of feelings I might as well go for the biggest of them all. At least to me Love is the biggest feeling, the most grand emotion there is. Love is all around I’ve heard. Can’t say I’ve always felt it but perhaps it has without me being fine tuned enough to notice. I guess it takes being able to love oneself in order to really feel and notice any love at all. Or maybe I’m only being to hard on myself. Whatever.
For many years I didn’t love myself. I didn’t love who I was, who I am. I wanted to be different, being who I am wasn’t good enough to love I thought. Being me is not attractive. Being me is not possible to love. Looking like me is not possible to love. So for many years I didn’t love myself. But I still looked for the love of others to give me the love of myself I was unable to feel for myself. Of course that plan backfired. To rely on the love of others to make up for the lack of self-love is not possible in the long run. How will I ever believe somebody really loves me for the one I am if I unable to do so myself ?
So how did I start to love myself for being me ? I don’t know. I think it was when I met somebody who seemed to accept me the way I am and who didn’t agree when I repeatedly put myself down and expressed my self-hate openly. I gradually started to shift. Maybe I should love myself or at least like myself even though not perfect or always confident and outspoken. Maybe I had enough of good sides to be worthy of loving myself. Just maybe. Then finally I decided I really could love myself despite my shortcomings. That did turn my thinking around a lot.
If I am able to love myself I can also believe I am worth to be loved by others. And I might finally be able to accept and trust that others do like, and love, me for being me and not think that they just pretend to like me or are trying to make a fool of me. Finding that love for myself was a happy moment. Trying to hold on to it has been a struggle but I am still doing it. Even if doubt can sometimes be strong I don’t give up on my love for myself. I know I deserve it and I know I deserve to be loved by others. I am that good.
To feel love for others have been tricky too. I don’t love that many people. But the ones I do love, I love unconditionally until death. Also, it doesn’t happen too often I find somebody to love. Not counting the love of my family and close relatives and a friend or two, I’ve not loved many people in any way at all. Liked, yes, but loved – no. Love is too precious to be thrown around carelessly. At least I think so. Probably because I’ve had to struggle to even be able to love myself. I’ve not uttered the words I love you too many times. Only a few. I don’t use the word unless I really mean it. Sometimes I think it is used too often when I look around but I guess my standard is not for everyone and that’s fine. I’m picky. That’s how it is.