…there’s that hollow feeling of having lost something good that can’t be replaced or re-lived even though the memory of it will always remain. Playing back the highlights over and over in your thoughts helps to lift some of the pain of knowing they are gone forever and that they should be let go of. If only for some peace of mind. Today I try to understand why certain moments have such power of impact upon me. Why I allow them to reach my heart and soul and cut straight through. This is not a new question. I have asked myself this many times over in the past and in many of my blog posts. Not sure I have ever reached an answer. Perhaps the answer is to simple for me to see and accept. Perhaps there is no real answer. Maybe I would be better off not asking. Be that as it may.
Last night I had trouble sleeping due to thoughts and feelings storming around in my being, creating chaos and opening old wounds I hoped had healed. All due to a loss but not to a loss of a good time, just an old loss in a game of chance. The memory of that loss has an ability to return whenever something reminds me of it, and with it comes a surge of the strong emotional pain felt at the time. When a prize is of high value to ones soul the painful feeling of not being lucky enough to win it even though the chances were slim is very strong. Having hoped to have put the whole thing behind me, I once again discovered I hadn’t. I guess it is a very basic human weakness.
I have made a promise for this year to stop looking back and to not let the past problems, setbacks and losses return to create more misery and pain. Also I promised myself I would not sink back into negative thinking as soon as any new setbacks occur. I will face life and any problems and obstacles with a positive attitude. See the solutions and the ways around anything blocking my path instead of stopping or turning back. The place I have been in for too long I have no wish to return to. No more of that darkness and sorrow is allowed to poison my way of being.
During the past year I have lived through a lot of setbacks and mostly had a very dark outlook upon life. The few positive things that happened had such importance for me that I held on to them too tightly trying to make the most of each. Wanted them to lift me up from the darkness I was in, release me from my misery, self-pity and self-hate. My wish was simply that those moments would somehow transform my life, make me happy without any effort on my part and then let me remain happy forever. Now, I know that true happiness can’t come from the outside only. Nobody and nothing else are responsible for my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings or my own happiness. If I desire happiness I must decide to feel happy, do things to feel happy and to create happiness within me. Allow myself to feel happy, allow myself to see the light instead of the darkness around it. Start to give myself value. I am worthy of feeling good and of being happy. Even when I might not find any reason to be happy.
Continue to do positive things, be a positive influence upon the people around me is what I will do.