Yes. I feel the need to apologize for a lot of my writings the past week. They have not reached their usual standards of quality. Many of my posts are confusing, pointless and unable to make any kind of sense. Just a lot of – often repeated – words about the ongoing chaos of my thoughts and the emotional turmoil I have recently created for myself by reacting in certain ways to things happening around me. As usual I have let myself follow the path of least resistance and let myself give in to the old instinct of running away from anything and everything difficult and/or painful instead of standing my ground and trying to deal with the matters one by one in a calm and sensible way.
Most of the time I am a very calm person. I rarely turn into a bundle of nervous impulses acting on gut reactions. However there are times when I do manage to let go of every rational thought and become the opposite of calm and those times often involve people I care about in some fashion. People I care about are not too many to be perfectly honest. Some of the people I care deeply about don’t even know that I care. Of that I am sure. Of course my close family and relatives know I care about them. My oldest and best friends from the offline and online world certainly know. Some of my new friends who are still getting to know me better might not know that I care and some other people I care about might not even care about me or care that I care about them or are simply not expecting it and therefore not aware of it yet. That’s fine. Now, to make matters very clear, I’d like to stress that I do not blame any of these people in any way for my recent history of over the top reactions, actions and writings. I am the only person responsible for my unfocused and substandard writing and for my nervous reactions. I alone.
Why did it happen then ? Well. I have had almost four weeks of unusual amounts of work and stress after being unemployed for a long time. I’m still unemployed and looking for work regularly. Suddenly, a little over a month ago, many things started happening at once. I was offered by the unemployment office to apply for a training program to learn to work in logistics and learn how to drive forklift trucks. This program would also include a time of practice at a regular workplace. During this rather intense time of learning and practice I was booked for an interview with a retail company I had applied for a position at some weeks before. This added to my stress level but also made me hope for an end to my long my life as an unemployed member of society. My spare time was now more limited and much of it was focused on studying for tests and looking for jobs to apply for. The rest of the time I tried to maintain contact with my friends and have time to rest and relax a bit. Anyway for a while it looked like the hard work and efforts made would pay off and that I would even be able to get a job from that interview. All of these sudden changes made me nervous though and took some time to adapt to. After having been able to mostly set my own schedule for a very long time I now had to adapt to a set schedule, which is fine but still a bit of a challenge before it becomes routine again like it used to be for many years before my job problems started. It made me a bit sad though to have to stop seeing some friends online due to different time zones and limiting the amount of time spent online. That I resisted to these changes to my schedule made me aware just how much my unemployment had affected my life. I would never have believed it could just a few years ago. This made me angry and determined to make the changes no matter what even though I was also sad to not be able to spend the time online I was used to spending, seeing the people I was used to seeing. I started to miss some people. On top of this the participation in the program made me have to spend more money on travel and food which did damage to the budget I had made and also stopped me from doing things I had planned. One of those things being to take a greater part in a raffle online with some very interesting prizes involved. This made me a bit sad but I had no choice. My first priority is to take every chance to get a job and has always been my priority. But after the collapse of my personal financial situation about a year ago my funds are very, very limited. I really have to look at every expense and ask myself do I need this, can I afford this and if I spend on this what else can I not spend on and will I be able to manage without that if I do. So all of these changes and other stressful things added together with lack of sleep and finally I had a sort of meltdown. Last weekend there where some problems with the on the job practice – I didn’t know where it would be yet. I didn’t know if I had gotten the job I was interviewed for or not. I didn’t win any of the raffles (which was expected but nonetheless hard to handle in the moment). I didn’t sleep very well . The only good thing was that I passed the forklift handling tests.
So early Monday morning and a few days after I posted my meltdown writings and felt very small and crushed. Then on Wednesday I got the next blow when I had a phone call informing me that I didn’t get the job. Thursday I was pulling myself back together and also got word of where I am to be on Monday when my on the job practice will start after a week’s delay.
Now I have pulled myself together and I feel calm and manage to think straight again. I have rested and slept better and have let go of my disappointment about things not going the way I wished or hoped or wanted. Now I’m ready to look forward and move on. These past days have been good experience even if they’ve been painful because I’ve learned some things about myself and the situation I’m in that I was not aware of before. Things I thought would not become a problem turned out to be problems that I had to solve. Still I apologize for my writings during these days. They are a product of the chaotic, emotional and depressed state of mind I was in at the time .