Hi, I’m back.
After a long weekend I’m kind of unsure what I really think and feel. Some things have been really great and others not. Most of all I feel disappointed in myself. I know I should not write about it because nobody likes to listen to all my whining but I can’t help it if I want to be honest. So anyway I have to say it straight. I don’t much like to compete, I don’t like taking part of games and raffles because I usually never win or have any kind of luck except bad luck and it gets to me. I know I shouldn’t let it but it does. Other things get to me too that I just shouldn’t bother with. But being the way I am I can’t seem to avoid letting it get to me. I would like to try to react differently. Or even better – learn to not take everything too seriously and just shrug it off and keep on going. I have always wanted to be like that. At some moments I even trick myself into thinking that I am. Then the magic wears off and I am facing the real me again. Still, I know that by being in all these games and raffles I am doing something good for somebody and that means a lot to me. So in a way it doesn’t really matter that I don’t have much luck. But it still bothers me. Because when the prizes are good enough then it sucks to be poor and not having much of a chance. Anyway I’ll get over it like I’ve gotten over every other failure I’ve had. At this moment though, early morning Monday November 1st 2010 I’m not feeling like smiling. I feel like my life is over actually. No , it’s not that bad it just feels like it is. I’ve never wanted to win anything as much as I wished to win this weekend. To have won would have been a great joy because of the nature of some of the prizes involved. It would have been better than winning the lotto even though the lotto would mean winning a lot of money. But the kind of prizes I hoped to win are worth a lot more than any money could buy anyway. At least they would have been worth that much to me. So I have to get over it even if it will take some time.
Then there’s another thing. The ugly truth is that I have fallen back into my old bad habit of being silent when I go to chat with friends. Last few times I have only managed a few words all night. I am very unhappy about that because I don’t want to be silent, not really. However, there are times when I don’t know what to say or talk about and also feel like everything I think of to say is wrong somehow. I know I worry too much and I think too much and that I am not a very confident person. Have made many efforts to change and sometimes actually made some changes but it takes just a little push to make me fall back to my old ways. Or so it seems. Have of course had three weeks with a lot of stress, work, classes, tests and lack of sleep so maybe its only a normal reaction to all of it. Then there were those raffles I didn’t win on top of everything and I guess I’m only human. Don’t like to seem rude or be rude though so I still don’t like to be silent which is why I’ll have to get it out of my system as soon as possible.
The last item on my list. I take everything too seriously. Should stop doing that.
Last but not least. The Halloween party online I visited was wonderful. I only wish I had been in a better mood to be able to contribute to the fun a lot more than I did. I feel I was a spoil sport and it bothers me too. When friends make great efforts to throw a party one should always appreciate and support them by showing up with a smile and a good mood. I failed at both. And that bothers me too.