Cleaning up

Published 09/02/2010 by MoonieZ

Doing some much needed cleaning up of my living room/office.  Have let it become a mess for too long now. Also need to clear my head from some stupid thoughts of inferiority that always take hold of me when I am in a situation where I feel I have to compete even though it is not called for at all.  Yesterday was a day of mixed experiences. First it started off with checking the Twitter for all the tweets I had missed while sleeping. Then I went out to do some housepainting and other work around the house. Then back in when it started to rain. Had some nice vegetable soup for early dinner along with a leftover sausage. Went to the computer to try to finish some important writing but got stuck on reading tweets and watching cams on MFC. At the same time I did have time to read some ads for jobs and decide which ones to apply for. Also checked up on some political news about the upcoming election. Only a few weeks away now. My birthday is even closer but let’s not talk about that yet. I’m not sure I want to add another year to my age because these last four years have been so far away from what I would have wanted them to be. I never ever imagined my life would turn out this way at all. However it is mostly my own fault. I could have handled some things differently, I could have avoided the leg injury nine years ago that started this whole string of problems but I doubt I could have avoided everything no matter what. Still I could have avoided to ruin my economy, avoided to declare myself bankrupt but I think that to really avoid that I would have had to have the help of having a steady job and a decent income and of being healthy these past years.  Of course I could have avoided to be a manic collector of dvd movies but at the same time that interest in movies kept me away from other vices and from going totally crazy from being locked out of society more or less by being forced to stay at home as being ill and later unemployed. Having had much of my social life connected to my workplace I’ve become a very isolated individual since I lost my job even though I’ve tried to fight it as best I’ve been able to. So some days when I wake up after not being able to sleep too  well I start thinking about all the wrongs I have done and all that has happened and then I feel sad but after a while I seem to pick myself up again and start to get things done.  After all I have my very good friend from the online world still around and for that I’m very grateful . Who else can I turn to when I need to whine about my misery ? Don’t think there are too many others who’d bother to listen. So for those who have followed this blog the past five years none of the above is any kind of news but I woke up today feeling sorry for myself so I need to write all of this again. Actually I don’t really  feel sorry for myself because I know I’m the one to blame and I’ve gotten what I deserve,  but I am feeling that sometimes my efforts to change myself and my life are not going fast enough and not giving the results I always hope for. Yes I am too much of a dreamer to fit into this world. I’ve known that a long time. Too much of a gentle soul. Too much of a romantic who is always looking up to the women he admires and is too afraid to approach them as normal human beings at his own level which means most of his (my ) efforts are in vain because they miss the mark more often than not. Well some good kind friends have given me good advice about this and many other things but I keep forgetting to live by them and of course that means I continue to fail. So be it. Failure doesn’t scare me as much as it used to because I’ve got so little left to lose these days . Maybe all I’ve got left is pride and dignity and perhaps self-respect. If I haven’t lost those too by now.  Well that’ll be all the whining for the moment, I need to focus on more important matters. Thanks to any and all readers and may you all have a really wonderful day !

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