I am alive. I didn’t post yesterday, due to the previous day of writing the very long ‘Friends’ post. Not so easy to go back in time, some of those memories still hurt. But I guess I also thought after writing yet again about my younger years and all that happened: why not let it go, let it be and move on ?
Well, I have moved on. I do not spend my life in anger looking back at what mean kids did to the boy I was then. I do not let the past affect my present in that way. Even though I admit I let it for too long but there was a point where I let it go and I have let it stay gone since then.
On the other hand, I avoid meeting the people still who hurt me then. If they want to meet and talk about the ‘good old days’ I prefer not to go. Not out of fear and not out of hatred, I simply don’t need them in my life and I don’t need the lies about how great friends everyone were, how good classmates we all were. Because it wasn’t true then and it isn’t now. Not for me, and I will keep my truth as my guide.
That said, to have moved on won’t keep me from writing about the past as much as possible to try to preserve the story about my life and to use it in my creative efforts.
Ok, for those waiting for the conclusion of the story, don’t worry it will come. Not sure when, but it will. I never decide in advance about what to write here. The less I think about writing the better I write, I have learned. So I just start and let the words carry away in any direction they like. Sometimes this brings only chaos but sometimes some real nice stuff is born out of all that chaos also.
Yesterday I got a lot of work done that should have been done weeks ago. But for a long time I haven’t had the energy to do it, or the discipline. Being out of work again knocked me down a lot. So much effort was wasted on that job, I feel. Finding the strength to move on has been a slow and difficult task. At one point I just felt like doing myself in but luckily I am not the type to get into that sort of thinking. I have never considered it a solution, I’d rather go on trying to make the only life I have into something better.
Yesterday wasn’t only work. I managed to have some fun too. Also went out for a walk and some fresh air. Late at night I finished off with some cam-watching. Only downside was I didn’t have time to see my good old friend but there’ll be other times.
Latest new additions to my movie collection: The Aristocrats (a BBC television drama, set in the 18th century Britain), Gorillas in the Mist, Thursday, Happy Texas and Battle in Seattle. There are a few more too, but these are the ones I remember at the moment. I have almost stopped buying new movies so updates to the collection will be less frequent this year.